CRITIQUE 2020 [TEMPORARILY CLOSE]

𝙸𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚕𝚕 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚢 by Bjishi

𝗧𝗜𝗧𝗟𝗘:

Okay so after reading the title, on my opinion, there are only two obvious options: The guy will either stay or leave and to be honest, readers will instantly formulate the most common cliche story plots pero, the title is still interesting kasi talagang mahahati yung opinion mo base palang sa title.

𝗕𝗢𝗢𝗞 𝗖𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥:

To be honest, I create my own covers and base on my experience, i actually liked the cover. The color combination is cute since it was mustard yellow, gray and black. Malamig siyang tignan actually, parang umuulan din yung vibe niya which is why i honestly find it cute although, may concern lang po ako sa chosen title font. Don't hate me po on this one kasi it is our freedom to choose kung ano ang gusto nating ilagay sa covers natin pero sa malayuan kasi like pag sa wattpad library mo tititigan yung bc mo, parang "IF YOU'LL SPY" or "IF YOU'LL SKY" po yung title. Maybe try to find a different font for the word "STAY"? But still, we will respect po if you will change it or not kasi syempe, base on our opinions lang naman po ito.

𝗗𝗘𝗦𝗖𝗥𝗜𝗣𝗧𝗜𝗢𝗡:

Sakto na po yung story description. Intersting na din kasi the lesser detail, the better para ma-catch mo yung attention ng readers mo lalo na't you've mentioned there na pareho silang parang takot na ngang sumugal kasi di nag work ang previous relationships nila pero like i said, there are only two obvious options and it would be good if you can pull off one surprisingly plot twist to exceed your reader's predictions.

𝗢𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗟𝗟:

▪︎ First, yung grammatical errors like

~"same ang kaso pero sa magkaibang tao...."

~"I wanna yell at her, telling her that i shouldnt be the who's in there...."

~Did I cried again?~ should be DID I CRY AGAIN?

~Several time...~ should be SEVERAL TIMES

~kanya~ should be KANIYA

~Papabayaan~ should be PABABAYAAN

~her eyes was still sleepy~ can be she's still sleepy

~Iniaabot niya sa akin ang kaninang hawak niya na dalawang malalaking paperbag~ can be INIABOT NIYA SAAKIN ANG HAWAK NIYANG MALALAKING PAPERBAG. DALAWA ITO ACTUALLY.

although I know naman po na this is the most common mistake of us writers, that is why we have the "EDIT BUTTON".

▪︎ Second, I would like to point out about doon sa nangyari sa chapter 1 doon sa sinumbatan niya yung counselor? Maybe its cliché to other stories dahil sa punong-puno na sila pero maybe try to lessen the cussing words like the school is at fault but tbh, the employees and the students are really at fault sa ganoing situation. And also as a counselor din kasi, the counselor is doing her job although, i understand naman yung sitwasyon ni Luna doon pero she crossed the line. And also, the teachers or employees should hear from both sides equally kasi naiipit din si maam guidance counselor sa situation. I would also like to highlight the first chapter kasi the author was able to show what really is happening in schools in terms na may awayan between parties. Good din sa part na alam niyang at fault siya pero di lang kasi siya pinapakinggan. They use her actions against sa will niya to be heard.

▪︎ Third, the usage of comma and period. Medyo may mga instances kasi dear author na nalalagyan mo ng comma and period in the wrong place but syempre, I understand kasi ganyan din ako noon😅

▪︎Fourth, gusto ko lang I point out na maganda ang flow ng story mo but, it is getting longer than I expected. Not that I'm judging your choice kung ilang chapters pero, as a reader kasi, baka medyo I-iskip ko yung story mo at hahanapin na yung part na kung saan malalaman na talaga kung sino ba yung boy na parang ka-meant to be niya, kung si Skylar ba talaga or may sudden twists pa siya. But, as a critique reader, gusto ko yung naeexplain lahat, walang butas, pero like i said, it is taking me a bit longer. I would also like to mention yung about how you properly describe an introvert student. I personally am an introvert as well at ramdam ko si Luna. And I am happy with the change of heart niya and that leads her to gaining friends.

Doon sa part na sinabi kong your story is getting longer than I expected, alam ko naman pong na-plot niyo na po yung storyline. Althought not all novels end up in a ten-chapter story, I think that you can pull it off by inserting a more intense scenes in your chapters para maiwasan mo po yung i-skip ng reader yung story mo. Base on my learnings during our journalism days, napag-aralan po namin na kailangang tanggalin na yung unecessary/less important details na hindi na kailangang ilagay sa article. Alam ko pong magkaiba ang pagsusulat sa articles in journalism sa pagsusulat ng novels but same parin po yung aim ng writers doon- is to not only express but to also impress.

Yes, I am fully aware of the quote "write to express, not to impress" pero hindi na kasi natin naiiwasang i-meet ang standard ng readers since almost everyone are fond of reading popular stories na nakaaabot ng millions. And base po sa journalism days ko po, we write to impress the readers para maenganyo silang tapusin ang article na ginawa ng writers. But I'm not saying po na hindi maganda ang story ninyo, please don't get me wrong. My intention is pure and that is to say my opinion base on what i see and what I've read. If you feel any negativity, please feel free to message us and let us fix the matters at hand.

▪︎fifth, yung flow talaga ng story is maayos, may scenes na relatable sa mga readers bilang isang student, friend, etc. It kinda shows life lessons pero siyempre, may mga scenes talaga na mapapaisip ka na, "posible ba talaga ang ganitong pangyayari?"

Despite the typos, the grammatical errors and stuff, congrats po sa iyo dear author dahil maganda naman po ang srory niyo.

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PS: If you feel kinda offended or yung comments po namin sa book niyo ay somewhat hindi acceptable on your own opinion, please don't hesitate to message us privately para po maiexplain din po namin ang side namin.

PPS: Bjishi thank you for trusting our shop!😊and if you're friends are also interested, you can invite them for batch two🥰