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Chapter 26 The Beatles

Lennon's pov

Shit.

I push Andy away from me and look away.

"I shouldn't have let you do that," I say.

"It's my fault, I'm sorry Lenny," he says quickly.

"You know how I feel and I keep leading you on. I'm acting like a bitch I'm so sorry," I bury my face in my hands.

"Lenny, the thing is, I honestly don't know how you feel," he says cautiously. "Like I know you don't want to be in a relationship with me but I don't know why and when you kissed me at rehearsal it felt the same as always and I really don't understand why you have all these issues with being with me. What's wrong with me Lenny?"

He sounds like he's crying and I honestly can't deal with that.

"I just-" why the hell am I crying? "I just can't okay? I was so happy with you but you weren't really with me you know? Like, you were still with Juliet so obviously something about her was making you happy and now it's just me and I don't think I'm enough to make you happy."

"Lenny-"

"You were this almost god-like being for so long that when you first messaged me it was like getting a text from Jesus and then you were at my house and we were drunk and naked and who in their right mind wouldn't fuck Andy Biersack you know? And I thought I could live in this happy little bubble with you and nothing would happen but Juliet showed up and my bubble popped and I realized that I am this awful monster of a person who stole her boyfriend and was going to take him from her because I'm selfish and then she was so sad and angry that she tried to kill herself. And it was all my fault!" I'm sobbing and clutching a pillow to my chest like its my life preserver in this ocean of really awful thoughts and feelings. Andy tentatively puts his hand on my back and just the feeling of some type of human connection sets me off and I'm hyperventilating and crying and I sound like someone popped one of my lungs and it's awful and I've ruined the pillow because my makeup is all over it and Andy's pulled me into his lap and is just rubbing big circles into my back.

I must fall asleep because I wake up in Andy's bed, next to Andy. The pillow is crushed between us and my hands are knotted in his shirt. My legs are wrapped around his waist so one is completely asleep underneath him. My head is against his chest and he's fast asleep, his chin resting on my head. Why the hell do we have to fit together like a pair of perfect puzzle pieces? I think about moving, then think better of it. He'll wake up and he's so peaceful looking when he sleeps. I've always thought people look more themselves in a way when they sleep. He's smiling. He hasn't done that as much lately.

I don't know if I'm in love with him but lying here feels right somehow. I guess it could be love but so could what I have with Aaron. I've known Aaron forever and could definitely see myself growing old with him. Aaron's been my constant for so long and we've never really gotten into big fights before. Maybe he's who I'm supposed to be with.

Andy groans in his sleep and pulls me closer to him. He's been getting skinnier every day and I'm worried about him. His collarbones stick out very far and his cheekbones become more visible every day. I untangle my fingers from his shirt, reach up and run my fingers along his jawline. He's absolutely gorgeous. It's hard not to be in love with a face as beautiful as his.

"Lenny," he mumbles.

"What?" I look up at him. His eyes are closed. He's still asleep.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, pulling me closer to him. "I'm sorry for kissing you and making you cry. I'm sorry."

Why is he so god damn lovable?

I fall back to sleep after a while. I dream of Andy, which is completely normal. He's singing which is normal as well but he's not singing one of his songs. He's singing a song I wrote about him when I first left home. It's a good song if I do say so myself. He's singing it, but he's not singing it to me. He's singing it to Harmony, the girl from my audition that acts like a bitch. He's singing her my song and she's slowly undressing for him. I want to rip her eyes out and tear her ears off. I hate her. Shes walking towards him and he's still singing and then she's kissing him and he's kissing her back and she's pulling off his jeans and-