Chasing After The Wind [P.JM]

XVII

KIM YUN-SEO'S POV

오후 7시 51 분

Jimin and I sat down on a bench on an overpass. He bought us iced coffee from the vending machine before sitting next to me. It was neither too quiet or too noisy. The vague sound of the cars passing under were just enough to take away any awkwardness, if there was. I leaned back and turned to him, "how was your day?"

"You came just to ask me that?" Jimin turned to me, and seeing me simply nod, he continued to speak. "Hmm. It's alright, nothing new." It was a good thing that he didn't ask about mine, because I had no plans of telling him just to know he probably doesn't care.

"Mhm.." I nod once again, trying to bring up a topic, anything but myself. Finding nothing else to talk about, I thought about her, "S-Saerin.. Did you send her off yet?" His head was down but he instantly got enlightened by her name, or so I thought.

Jimin shook his head and said, "I'm not doing that. I shouldn't be." I hummed in understanding and although I wasn't too curious, I asked anyway. "Do you mind telling me what happened between you two?"

He looked at me with an indifferent stare, "you really wanna know?" His statement was so intimidating that I panicked while picking my choice of words. "I mean, it's okay if you don't want to! I'm too nosy, aren't I—"

"Saerin. I met her one summer, in Daegu. I've never liked someone so much, to the point that my mind was closed from other people who seemed to like me. We didn't meet often since I was from Busan, while she was in Daegu. She moved overseas to study medicine, and maybe a year or less ago, she came back."

"She lived in my apartment since then, almost only a wall in between us yet I was actually so far. Her eyes, they were fixated on someone else. She came back for someone. And in simple words, I could never win against someone she actually loved so much. Even if that someone lost his memories. Taehyung-ssi, he had amnesia, but you know what they say; the heart remembers. They were just... meant for each other. I didn't want to get in their way, so I set her free. I think it was enough that I was there for her during the days she cried herself to sleep because of him."

I was listening carefully, but realized that he was done telling his story. "Were you so sure that she'd choose you? Just because you were there for her when she grieved doesn't mean she'll choose you. You were the one creating your own heartbreak. By expecting." Being the straightforward person I was, only what I truly thought of came out of my lips.

He looked at me with a cold gaze, Jimin seemed moved by my words - I wasn't sure if it was in a good way though. "You were never in my place, Yunseo. I let you hear what you wanted to hear but I never asked for your opinion. Stop telling me those things because I don't think you know me at all. And you will never know me, because you only listen to yourself and to what you want to hear."

His words sounded so firm that it was enough to make my heart sink, it felt so unreal to hear him like that. I really might've gone too far with this, and he was right. I didn't deserve to say anything about it. I was not in his place. I did not know him. I felt so mortified at that moment, that all I could mutter was, "I'm sorry."

"I... I should go now. It's getting late. I'm sorry, Jimin, I'm really sorry." With my entire soul being taken over by shame, I could not even look at him in the eyes. Walking away, I clutched my chest that was throbbing in pain. I had never wanted to cry this much. It felt like I was letting everyone down. Today was so withdrawing — it's like all of me had been washed out and that I could not even speak the right words anymore.

My parents seemed to hate me. And now someone else too. There was a huge void in me, and I did not know how to fill it up anymore. A part of me was locked in darkness. It felt as if I was so unloved by the people around me. As if I was so unlovable. And I knew very well why. It was because I was myself. I was Yunseo, too frank, too smart, too expectant, too bad. I was too me.

I walked endlessly and even though my feet were hurting, it couldn't compare to the numbing pain in my chest. It was also endless. It was dawn when I found myself sitting alone in an alley, restless and unable to fall asleep. And when I finally felt like nobody was watching me, I cried.

I cried so hard that night.

i wish you
understood
me when
i couldn't
understand
myself.