Chasing After The Wind [P.JM]

pain isn't so painful after all

"Hoseok oppa, I'm here." Yunseo spoke through the phone, looking around, looking for Hoseok though he was nowhere to be found. What her eyes saw though, were the same eyes that used to look at her with love. There he was, also with his phone pressed against his ear. And when she thought every bit of feeling was gone, it all came back when his eyes met hers.

"Oh. Hey." She mumbled, voice barely heard. "Hey.." Jimin smiled, anyone could see well that it was not a genuine one. He began with a shaky voice, "How have you been?"

"I'm.. doing well.." Forcing a smile, Yunseo looked anywhere but his eyes. "I see.." he muttered, "I'll go now, I'm on my way to a client. S-See you around." After hearing his words, she bowed slightly and turned around, dragging her feet away from there. "Wait." Jimin muttered, making Yunseo stop her pace. "Can we talk?"

The sky was bright but it was gloomy. City noises were heard but it was silent. They were quiet but their heart screamed loud. They were seated on a long bench, both of them sitting on opposite ends. The distance between them was incomparable to how similar their feelings were, so close yet so far. So good yet to painful. Maybe it was so pleasing to see each other, but when they are forced to start up a conversation, they were so hesitant and even sitting there far from each other was already painful. He wished that he could hold her hand, while she badly wanted to rest her head on his shoulder. They both sought for comfort, particularly from each other, but none of them were strong enough to do so.

"Can you... listen to me? Just this time. I won't take too long." Jimin pleaded, glancing at her yet never looking directly. It crossed her mind how Hoseok had pointed out that she never gave him a chance to explain. Listening now will probably straighten things out and maybe... it might be easier to move on. "Sure. I'm listening."

"All my life, I had lived living for others, living because I want to please others, take care of them. Living to please the people I love, even if I don't get the same love in return. It's been hard on me and most of my life, I just went on and continued to live like that. All my life, I had never experienced someone making such an effort for me - to make me smile genuinely, until I met you."

"You know, I really seemed to be annoyed at first but it grew on me after a while. It felt incomplete without your annoyance. Even if I hate to admit it, I would look for you even during the days you dragged me into trouble. Because of you, I experienced life in the way the happy people do. I experienced love without feeling like I had to beg for it. You gave me happiness, even if I pushed you away a lot of times. You were always there, to tell me that there was more to this heartbreak. There was more to just Saerin. And since then, my world revolved around me, myself."

"It felt really good knowing that I was getting the love that I longed for, without getting hurt. But I never really knew you were getting hurt instead. I'm so... sorry for that." His voice softened, "If I could turn back time, I would have never got on that bus. If only I knew I would only hurt you, I would have never tried to fix myself with you by my side."

Yunseo badly wanted to reply, but it seemed that he wasn't done talking, so she remained silent for longer. Jimin continued to utter, "That day, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry you took that on your special day. I was telling Saerin about how wonderful you were, and how life had become so much better having you by my side. I no longer had to long for anything, because having you kept me content."

"Y-You.. what.." Yunseo mumbled, causing him to look at her. Hearing everything, she hated how everything had turned out like this just because she never listened to him that night. It was too frustrating for her after her parents had once again, despised her for failing some of their expectations. It was on her special day too. And seeing him with Saerin, it was too much to take. Maybe it was part of the entire thing, as cruel as fate, it turned out that way. A miserable farewell was destiny's way to end them. And maybe, it succeeded.

"I..." She covered her mouth, sobbing as tears strolled down her cheek without ceasing. "I'm sorry, Jimin. I'm so... sorry." Yunseo cried, all tied into frustration, guilt, and remorse. A million what-if's circled inside her head, all pointing out to her mistake of not listening to him. She asked why it had to be on that day, when everything was too heavy on her chest.

"W-Why are you.. sorry?" Jimin hesitated to move closer, and seeing her cry made it even worse for him. He wanted to hold her, sing her to sleep just like the old times. It was worse than a rainy day. Seeing her cry made him feel so awfully down.

"I'm sorry..." Yunseo cried out, face buried in her palms as her emotions ate her up. It was all too sudden, all too dreadful. Jimin, no longer able to resist, scooted closer to her, pulling her close to him. Yunseo only felt even worse, she did him so wrong yet here he was, simply holding her though it calmed her so much. It was the same feeling, it felt safe in his arms, and Jimin too. Holding her made him feel secure, it was like holding his happiness, that it no longer had to go. But things can never be too easy. Life can never be too nice. And fate — is cruel as always.

Soon, she had ran out of tears but her heart still wailed inside. Yunseo kept thinking that if only she hadn't ruined everything, it wouldn't be as awful as now. Jimin pulled away, an awkward smile on his face, "Sorry, I got carried away. You were crying a lot."

"It's fine. Sorry I had to look like this in front of you," Yunseo forced a chuckle, though it still felt unreal and hellishly painful. "So.. when are you leaving?"

"In two days. A bit busy back in Canada," he explained, keeping a fake smile to keep the tension off. Yunseo nodded in understanding, replying, "Mhm, I see."

"I guess it's goodbye, then?" The smile she wore was the hardest to put on, all her life she had never struggled putting on a fake smile in front of people. That time, it was just too hurtful, it was as if her heart was being crushed while she spoke. She badly wished that Jimin would say something, something like the words she wanted to hear. "See you." Jimin forced a smile, waving as Yunseo was about to walk away.

I can't do this anymore. "Kim Yunseo!" Jimin called. Yunseo stopped in place, yet to turn around.

"If twice isn't too much, do you want to... try again?"