Promiscuous (Who's the slut?)

Chapter Twenty Three

I slept soundly last night. Somebody had phoned Rave afterward it was like he was building a wall between us. I'd no idea what I'd done to make him colder than he ever was with me. Was it because of Tracy?

I was miserable the whole day. He was out running an errand. What is he keeping from me? I was mad at myself the whole time by being affected. I cleaned the house to exhaustion. Dusted this and that.

It was well over midnight but he wasn't home yet. I was like a fishwife waiting for her errant husband. Damn. I bit my lower lip. What if he was with that flirt?

I was rolling and kicking myself on the bed. I couldn't quite sleep. I got out of the terrace staring at the sky. There were no stars.

I put out a piece of paper and pen. I drew the choker my mother had given me just as I'd heard the creaking of the door. My drawing was still half done.

I pretended sleep.

He was in the shower room. Goodness, I could hear the sound of the water. I tried to close my eyes tightly. I would have screamed at him and asked him where he'd been.

Minutes later I felt the side of the bed moved. He hugged me tight from behind in a spoon fashion.

"Why are you waiting for me?" He whispered in my neck.

I clamped my mouth shut and tried to emit a soft snore. I felt him caress my arms. I almost groaned. He was making my senses wild and suffocated. I stiffened. Why is he seducing me?

"Maire..." He smelled my hair and kissed the side of my exposed shoulders.

"I just wish... this isn't real. You aren't true. Why can't I avoid you?" He whispered in anguish. My heart was pounding in my chest. My eyes suddenly opened in the dark. He ceased caressing my arms. He let go of me and kept a distance. I suddenly felt... empty.

Rave is different. He is magic.

I turned around to face him. He was staring at the ceiling. I watched this expressionless man with so much... so much.. I'm having a helluva time sorting out the turmoil of emotions I'd been feeling since meeting him.

"You may not believe this Rave..." I mumbled under my breath. "But I hadn't felt this way with anyone." He took my hand silently and put it in his heart. He was tensed. His heart was pulsing under my hand.

"I'm afraid." He turned his head to me. His breath was fanning warmth on my face.

"Liar." I giggled. I'm more frightened of not controlling myself when I'm with you.

"You're scaring me..." Our eyes met. I was mesmerized at the movement of his lips. He came nearer. He cupped my head to bring me closer... closer...

It was like I was drowning when I met his lips. We were like two hungry bees sipping for a flower's nectar. I hadn't imagined I would be this wanton.

I was tagged as promiscuous that I thought I had known all types of flirtations, the supposed sensations. But I was terribly wrong. I was never alive and tingly than this... him holding me, like he couldn't get enough of me.

This was the first time, I felt. Really felt womanly. I'd never been held like this, never been kissed like this. This was carnal with a capital C. Well, a year ago? That was very much different. How would I know if I became as wild as I am right now if I had no clue as to what really happened?

I'd no idea how I got on top, but I did. I hesitated at first but all sense of reason had been thrown carelessly to the wind. There were drizzles of raindrops sputtering on the window panes of the room.

I felt him stiffened at the last button of my blouse. I looked at him, he was... frowning.

"Rave..." I whispered.

"I... this is wrong..." He was uncertain now. I felt a blow in my heart. That was it?

I quickly stood up. "Wrong?" I blinked my eyes miserably. My mind couldn't take what was happening. It was all hot then... I was so vulnerable. I wrapped the sheet around my body. I wasn't totally naked. But it was like I was trying to keep up with my pride. I rebuttoned it one by one.

He sat up. He was massaging the bridge of his nose.

"Because I can't Maire... I can't." The frown never left his face. It was now fierce. I'd like to shout at him. To ask him why. It wasn't just about screwing. It was something more... maybe I had been wrong. He's right, everything's a mistake.

But my foolish heart wouldn't take no for an answer. So what was really the question?

I was getting confused. He slid down the bed while his hand was massaging his head, no, he was covering it with both hands. He was groaning. What's happening? I panicked that instant. Something wasn't quite right here.

He was now making guttural sounds that ripped my heart out. He was in a fetal position.

"Rave... talk to me, what is it? You're scaring me..." I hesitantly touched the side of his shoulder but he was pummeling his head now. "Aaaaaaahhh.." He tried to get up on his own. I helped him but he shoved me away. He roughly pulled out the drawer and threw things out. He took the bottle of pills out.

I was frozen in place.

He was trembling. He was hurting... his head, it was paining him greatly. I could see that. The pills spilled out of his hand onto the floor. I took one and helped him drink it. He pushed me again.

"Get out."

"Rave, what's happening? Just tell me." I was miserable watching him like that. Why do men have this HUGE ego? They don't want to be seen weak by women.

"I said... GET OUT." He was panting. His breath was hitched. He was sweating profusely while pounding his head on the bed.

"No, I won't. I'll take you to the hospital!" I screamed in frustration. I was afraid for him.

"Go away! Get the.... hell out!" He managed to yell his head off that the whole building must have heard it. I scampered on my feet and raced out of there. Why is he acting like a jerk? He's hurting me... didn't that insensitive man know that? well, yeah.. he is insensitive.

The rain was my friend while I was silently weeping. The raindrops were mixing with my tears. It was like telling me to pour out all my laments to the world. I was wet, cold and hungry. There was despair. Then numbness.

Why does love suck?

I stopped dead on my track. Love? That foul word had been erased in my vocabulary long before I'd known him. I thought I was strong enough to fight it. Thought I was smart enough to venture into a reckless passion.

I thought I would survive this game unscathed. Kaya pala sabi nila pwedeng mamatay sa maling akala... because I felt like dying...

Tears fell down my cheeks. Couldn't help it. I closed my eyes tightly. Maybe when I woke up, I'm already dead of hypothermia. Who cares? At least I won't be able to experience the torture of mercy killing. I would have saved time and effort for that spineless attacker of mine. Couldn't even face me.

Maybe I'm really dead. I couldn't sense anything at all. I was like floating in the air. I opened one good eye.

"Are you an angel?" I opted to smile.

He was mumbling something but my vision was blurred I couldn't quite make out his face. Perhaps God pitied me. I'm going to heaven finally.