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Lisa closed her eyes and braced herself as she lifted the bottle to her lips, the burning sensation making her cough and splutter as the rest of the alcohol in the bottle disappeared down her throat. She was absolutely hammered, numb from all feeling.
But that's how she wanted to be. She was a coward. Unable to handle the pain, so she drank it all away.
Missing her mouth a little at the end, the alcohol trickled down her naked body and onto the bedsheets below her. The dancer threw the bottle over her shoulder where it joined multiple others already on her bedroom floor, and turned her attention to the girl with her ass in the air, waiting for Lisa to touch her. With not a single straight thought in her head, nor any pain, Lisa flipped the girl over and started grinding herself rough, mercilessly, and violently against her.
This had become a routine. Getting absolutely hammered, to the point where she could no longer feel the hurt. Calling up some desperate slut so she could let out all her anger. Feel good while fucking her for about 20 minutes, and then spending the rest of the night crying into her pillow once the guilt and loneliness set in.
Almost every single night since it had happened.
"Fuck Lisa! Faster!"
Wanting to desperately feel good for even a second, Lisa quickened her pace, rocking their bodies so hard that the bed was ready to break at any moment.
She could feel the pleasure building in her lower belly, a feeling that used to bring love and tenderness right after she released. But now, the pleasure lasted for less than a minute, and only brought shame and guilt afterwards.
All of the alcohol, all of the nights being drunk out of her mind, all of the time she wasted fucking useless women to try and make herself feel good. It was slowly killing her. But she didn't care. There was nothing left for her anymore.
Lisa released with a strangled moan, stumbling over herself in her drunk state. The girl under her panting and whimpering after the high she experienced.
Not even able to lift herself up, Lisa slumped backwards onto the bed, dislodging herself from the dark haired girl underneath her, who stood up and threw her clothes on.
"Call me again when you want a fuck babe".
Yeah that probably wasn't going to happen, Lisa had formed a reputation of sleeping with a different girl every night. Everyone felt sorry for her, but no one really cared about what she was going through. They just called her a slut. But she couldn't care less.
As soon as the door shut, Lisa was the only presence in her house. No one else here. She was alone. She fucking hated being alone.
Even in her drunken state, her body was aching. The guilt and pain hit her like a truck, wave after wave of loneliness washed over her skinny, naked, fragile body. She looked like a fucking mess. Her bones were showing, she wasn't looking after herself. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten something that was healthy. She just had no motivation for anything. The only time she left the house was to buy alcohol.
Lisa rolled herself over in bed, clutching onto the nearest pillow and bursting into tears. Hysterical screams and sobs erupting through her chest. She had been feeling it worse tonight. Some nights she cried less than others, but they all hurt just the same. Nothing made her want to smile, nothing made her want to laugh genuinely. She was just existing. Her pillow was soaked with her tears, while her body was sticky with alcohol spillage.
This is how it always ended. Lisa, naked, alone, drunk, and crying her little broken heart out.
Missing what she used to have.
-///-
"Lisa! Are you home?"
The pounding got louder the longer Lisa chose to ignore it. She knew exactly who it was, she just wasn't in the mood for a chat.
"Lisa I know you've read my text, answer the door!"
With her head still spinning from the effects of the alcohol the night before, Lisa pushes herself up out of bed, stumbling over herself trying to navigate her way out of her messy bedroom, countless pairs of underwear and liquor bottles littering the floor. Throwing on a T-shirt and a pair of panties to shield her naked body, Lisa pulls open the door and cringes, recoiling away from how bright the daylight is.
Jisoo's eyes widened at the state her best friend was in. Very obviously hung over, reeking of alcohol, messy hair, and thin pale limbs.
The younger girl could only look at the ground. She didn't care what everyone thought of her right now. But Jisoo? She couldn't deal with Jisoo being disappointed in what she'd become.
"Lisa..."
Her bottom lip trembled. She hadn't gone a day without crying, she was sick of it. But, that didn't stop the tears slowly rolling down her cheeks when Jisoo pulled her in for a hug. She knew she was a disappointment right now, she knew that everyone around her wanted nothing to do with her while she was in her current state.
The tears burst forth like a dam. Lisa sobbed into her best friends chest, hands clutching at her clothing. Jisoo held the younger girl, her heart silently breaking as she listened to Lisa's sobs. Jisoo's arms felt like the safest place she could be right now. The older girl rocked Lisa, not minding in the slightest that tears were soaking her shirt through.
When the tears and howls of misery subsided, Jisoo released her grip slightly.
"What are you doing, Lis?"
Lisa couldn't respond. All she could do was shake her head as the tears fought to break free once more.
"She wouldn't want this."
Her already broken heart shattered even further. Jisoo was right. But Lisa was in too much pain to pick herself up after how far she had fallen down. She just wanted the pain to end.
"I miss her." Lisa's voice was soft. Broken. So much pain, but not a single ounce of happiness to be expressed. She wanted to see her again. She wanted to kiss her again. She wanted to hold her again. She wanted to join her.
"I know you do baby... but this isn't going to bring her back." Jisoos deep brown orbs were piercing Lisa's. Desperation, heartbreak, and sympathy swirling around in the chocolate.
Lisa's head dropped further, a newer feeling setting in. One she hadn't felt yet, her mind hadn't been clear enough. Regret.
"She'd be disgusted in me... being like this. She wouldn't love me like this." Her voice finally cracked, breaking the barrier holding back a new wave of tears. They rolled down her cheeks only slowly, every single drop containing more pain than Lisa had ever felt before she lost her.
"Lisa..." Jisoo pushed her back by the shoulders, forcing her to look her in the eyes. "There is absolutely nothing you can do, ever, to stop her from loving you. You're hurting, she would understand that. That girl loved you so much. The amount of love that you two had for each other is probably the most pure, and amazing thing that I have ever witnessed. You were her world. She's not going to stop loving you, Lis."
Lisa inhaled a shaky breath, doing her absolute best to keep her tears locked away. "I just- I don't know what to do."
"I can't tell you how to grieve. But, sleeping with random girls and drinking the pain away every night isn't healthy for you. Do what you know would make her happy".
