What Belongs to Me [COMPLETE]

Chapter 12 "He Cares"

Lengthening shadows over the gabled red roof of the bungalow house besides our building as I leaned on the railing of our terrace on the rooftop while the sun worked its way westward. It was my favorite part of the day, just watching the sunset gives me hope to keep myself on track and continue on being optimistic. The colorful orchids aligned on our terrace that our landlady took such pride in it, with its fragrance enough to override the unwanted odor of rusty metals of the railings all over the rooftop. The air was rustling over the orchids causing them to release their strong fragrance that has been suppressed the entire time. Suddenly the peacefulness I was feeling a moment earlier turned to a clamorous sight when I saw the busy street in front of me with the non-stop moving of cars and people and the deafening sounds of planes passing by just the space above me.

Anxiety lingered through the whole of me when I was reminded of our merciless midterm exams that took off last week. I wondered if I did a great job at it. Multiple minor subjects were not an issue on my grades; in fact I was a straight A student, dean’s list during my freshmen and sophomore years. But it was all ruined when my major major subjects came in consecutively, there’s just no guarantee in it; major instructors were all just objective in checking plates. When we do a plate, its either you get a perfect score or a zero, returned bloody plates on your hands. That’s how interior design works, you have to study the personal taste of your instructors to please them on your plates, what you thinks doesn’t matter sometimes, you have to play safe if you want to survived. Ma’am Miles told us one time “sometimes you have to sacrifice something, to gain the more important thing”, what she meant is that; we should abandon our minor subjects to focus on our majors for us to remain on the game”, the “survival of the fittest game” it’s funny because we’re all so far from being physically fit already, we’re rather mentally drained. Damned her, being a big fan of “Hunger Games”?

I realized I’ve been sitting for hours in the rooftop already and noticed that I’d been clenching my hands because of the getting colder breeze of wind for some time now, hairs on my arms and legs were getting worked up. But I liked it, the little torture I’m getting, this is better than being preoccupied by the thought of the exams. Again! The thought came back rushing to my mind; can my life get any worse? Why am I being pessimistic these days? Am I depressed? No! I know I’m not and I don’t have time to be depressed. I know very well about depression, I’ve read so much about it on papers and novels that I had read all this time, I had watched about it on films so I’m certain that I’m not.

I was deep in my thoughts when my phone started to ring, vibrating inside my pocket, electrifying my legs sending shiver in all of me. I squeezed my eyes shut, inhaling heavily while gritting my teeth and lifting my chin lightly; I slipped my fingers to my shorts’ pocket to get my phone, and found my frowning eyes staring at the name of the caller, it’s Papa. It took me ten seconds before I answered his call, thinking of a reason why is he calling me.
Papa was not the type to call just to ask if I was okay or to ask how’s life and all, there’s definitely a serious reason why he’s calling me. Ever since Mama went abroad to work when I was still in fifth grade and my bro in sixth, I began to develop my independent trait already. I and my bro didn’t study in the same high school, until we were sent to college, again! We settled in different university even our apartment. So basically; Papa’s home, Mama’s abroad, I and my bro in the city not being together.
I answered his call,
“Op Papa? What is it?” I said with my voice trailing.
“Hmmm, your grades just came home in a mail, and guess what?” I can imagine his mouth opened in anticipation to my response. There! real quick, my grades already reach my father much earlier than I, damn! Why didn’t I check the portal? I have been thinking about it for so long, and now I don’t even know what must I say to not make a mistake.
“All of your grades dropped by one or two percent! What’s going on? Even your minors, your english, your algebra?” I could feel the tension in his breathing. I rolled my eyes thinking why did he even mentioned algebra; he knows I sucked in math. Now at least he gave me the idea that my grades dropped by two points for me to process an acceptable reason.
“Yeah Papa, I know, I know, but you don’t have to worry, midterms was just so shocking and not only I was doomed, all of us in the class were affected.” I said confidently lying.
“Why should you go down with them?” my Papa just have a very high standards and expectation from me, and now, I’m guilty and feeling an extreme pressure.
“Don’t worry Papa; I will definitely rock the finals.” He loves it when I say such things, it fills his pride.
“Ok, don’t let your guard down, I’m counting on you, you already lose your name on the dean’s list, remember?” now he’s reminding me again with my failure.
“Right Papa, I have to go now, take care of yourself bye.”
“Don’t mind me, you take care of your health too and your studies!, bye.” He just couldn’t forget emphasizing on the word “studies”.

After our conversation, I immediately clicked google icon then typed www.usa.studentportal.com, clicked sign in then opened grades and there! Amazingly aligned vertically, 94,90,91,93,93,92,91 and at the bottom is 86 for my physical education subject, I just hate the sports they’re asking us to play, table tennis, arnis and damn basketball this midterms. Everything just doesn’t want to go my way and I hated it. I raised my head to find the evening star; planet Venus on the sky but I couldn’t find it on her spot, even the moon is nowhere to be seen, I couldn’t find a scape, I’m hurting. Just the heavy movements of clouds turning dark gray is hanging on the sky, which means that it will drop at any moment very very soon. And I wanted it, I wanted the heavens to cry for me, I wanted to be drawn on it, I wanted to feel its big tear drop touch my head, my skin like fingers tapping me, pointing me to remind me the reasons I’m here. I wanted it to wet my face so that I could cry without being noticed, so that my tears will mix with the rain water and fall off to the ground washing away my worries, my short comings.

I kept thinking of other things to divert my anger, to blame my failure to anyone, I was sitting on the terra-cotta flooring, my head on my knees, eyes closed tightly, grinding teeth, lips pressed firmly together, hands clasped on my head, fingers tangled on my hair. I want to blame someone and not myself but every thoughts are leading back to me. I wanted to blame someone but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t, how can I? I want to curse the reason I am in my position right now, but I couldn’t, how could I do that to the person who gave me the reason to be happy, how could I blame him, how could I resent Cizar?
Exhausted by the heavy thoughts spiraling inside me, I lost my energy; my head is hurting about to burst, catching my breath. Still curled on the corner but I could hear the tiny drops of rain on the plants around me, its gentle taps on my hair, my clothes. Yes I’m ready for it, to receive the big raindrops all over me when I felt a soft thing on my head, did the rain stopped? Why can’t I feel it? The tapping on my neck, where is it? I raised my head slowly, ready to yell at the sky when I saw a familiar pair of white nike air max shoes in front of me, I took off the cap on my head to see clearly and continued to raised my head and there, I saw the owner of the shoes, Cizar was standing in front of me holding his black umbrella on his left hand. His beautiful ash gray eyes were staring at me sternly, now moistened, under his knitted brows, telling me something, something comforting. His right hand withdraws downward to me, to pull me up.

In front of me, looking me in the eyes was that person, the person who’s putting me into this torture. How could I hate this guy who looked like an angel? Ready to brush away my tears, my sufferings. I grabbed his hand and when I was already on my toes, he began talking,
“Are you alriii….?” But before he finished his question, I hooked him and hugged him; our body pressed together, my hand curled on his back grabbing his shirt squeezing his skin harshly, my head buried on his shoulder to his neck feeling the warm tears roll down my face, he flinched a little careful enough not to disturb me when he felt the warm liquid touch his skin, my tears. Then he rested his hands on my back almost letting go of the umbrella, rubbing his palm to my back, tapping it gently then palming my hair smoothly, unsure how to comfort me. We stayed like that for maybe five minutes, not saying any single word while the rain is pouring and our shoulders were now soaked.

I untangled my body from him, unsure what to say,
“I’m sorry…..” my voice was kind a shaking.
“It’s alright, what’s the matter…..?” he asked also trembling.
“It’s nothing! Thank you for being here.” I said.
“What are you saying it’s nothing? You’re about to drench yourself in the rain if I hadn’t come here to find you!” he was furious, so determined to get an answer.
“It’s really nothing, Cizar, please!” I beg, my eyes began to moist again.
“No! Tell me the reason, you even wet my shirt with your streaming tears earlier and now you say it’s nothing?" He was already angry.
“Ok fine, I’ll tell you later, let’s go get change first.” Only then he calmed down and then climb down the staircase together.

“Sooo… what’s bothering you? What’s the matter?” he asked. How could I tell him that he is part of my problem! 'Your sole existence is bothering me! You’re causing me pain' how could I tell him those horrible words. So instead, I told him,
“It’s about school! The loads are so frustrating!” I told him half meant.
“Is that it? I can’t believe you sob because of school issues.” He was right; it was pathetic to sob because of dropping grades.
“It’s not that simple Cizar!” my grades are failing! Shattered! And my Papa knows about it, he’s pressuring me so much to do better, to give my best.” I explained it to him to convince him better.
“Aww, sorry to hear that.” Now I’m sorry for seeing his worried face.
“Anyways, thank you for that, on the rooftop.” I finally said.
“It’s ok! Anytime you need a shoulder to cry on.” Grinning sheepishly, raising his arm like superman showing his muscle feeling proud of himself.
“Sure, thanks again.” Then I smiled at him gratefully.

That was the first time Cizar’s body and my body was one for the longest time, and we were both aware that it happened unlike in the past. I felt his chest pounding in a beautiful rhythm as mine, his soft hands caressing my back gently while I’m rubbing his shirt and skin roughly. The sweetest scent from his neck is even sweeter than the fragrance of the orchids around us. I felt so secured in Cizar’s confidence that moment, but I’m not sure how he felt about it. That night Cizar slept on my room while I’m doing my plates for my thesis pre-defense until my body surrendered.