What Belongs to Me [COMPLETE]

Chapter 17 "Double Kill"

Everything was now set! Just a little finalization and correction of minor errors was just needed in order for me to be rocking the thesis defense in the big day. I and my classmates had spent the past few days without any sleep and proper hygiene to be honest while working. The circle notices that something had change in me, that I was more focused, driven and very serious to finish all of the requirements, and that finally it was all over already.

It was CJ’s birthday and she invited the circle together with our other classmates who wants to join her celebration. She set a party on a private swimming pool of this one hotel in the city border. The party went well, we were all so happy because finally! We had reached the finals. Hot and sexy bodies was all over the pool, girls in bikini and guys on trunks were all partying lively, others doing karaoke and others stationed on the foods- managing the barbecues. I was seating on the poolside, legs soaked on the chlorine water, when I saw again my other one staring back at me on the gleaming film of the water, this time it was not saying anything, it was displaying a sad expression. I wanted to ask my other one a question but suddenly, the pool-water was covered with sprinkling popping droplets of water, it was raining again. The party goes on like there was no more tomorrow but I remained at the bubble chair alone contemplating while bodies are busy floating in the pool enjoying the rain.

The next three days was constantly raining, I convinced myself that nothing was wrong, that all is well. That it was just normal to rain because it is the Ber’s season meaning rainy season in the Philippines. Cizar’s incident never bothered me at all, I sometimes encounter him on the alleyway but we never talk to each other, sometimes he was with his friends and sometimes with a girl that I have never seen before. We were back to being strangers and we did as he said, we disregarded each other, discarded each other. The care-taker of our apartment seemed to notice that Cizar and I are not being together for the past days but never dared to ask me about it. I concentrated my free hours on reviewing for the finals and riveted myself tightly on my thesis.

During the past couple of months, I started developing an escape whenever I felt empty. I was visiting various art galleries around the city, and will choose one piece in the whole exhibit and try to go deeper and deeper into the masterpiece, giving my own meaning and explanation to the artwork. A week before the final defense, I went to this art gallery at SM, the theme of the exhibition was “pain and sufferings”, I was so immersed on this one abstract painting, it was a boy on the painting looking deeply on the horizons. As I was staring at it intently, I felt trapped, I couldn’t move and different things are swirling inside my head, my memories of Cizar are what I’m seeing in front of me. I was puzzled, confused and wanted to get out from the trap but I couldn’t until I realized that someone was talking to me, I heard a voice coming from a guy,
“Are you ok?” it took me seconds to process my response and then I said,
“O—of course, ahh I’m fine.”
“I just saw that you looked so absorbed by the painting, by the way, I’m the one who made this painting.” I nodded.
“Congrats for the great show, the painting is great.”
“Thank you, do you want to know what is it about? By the way, I’m Mark” withdrawing his right hand to me. I didn’t want to hear his explanation of the painting because I don’t want it to ruin my own understanding. I was hesitant to shake hands with him so I just nodded, smiling lightly.
“That’s fine Mark…..” I was saying when he started talking,
“The boy on my painting chose his career over his long time relationship, he became successful at the end but he felt empty inside. As simple as that…..” he said forcing himself to smile at the painting. I didn’t say a word anymore and I just smiled at him and then shifted my attention to the painting next to it. Mark might not know it, but I was struck by his simple remark, something hit me hard and I went home burdened instead of being relieved. The pain and suffering invaded my soul yet again without my permission. Just when I thought it was all over, it came back rushing to me. I had brought back the suffering upon myself.

It was five a.m. and it was a Monday and there was a rain shower. I was cold, shivering while I sat at the terrace, smoking the cigar that I found on my side table- the one that Cizar place there for him to smoke when he felt like it, I was looking at the street, at the people in long pants and jacket under their umbrella trudging up the street. I was checking my phone from time to time to check if there was a new notification from our thesis group chat. The industrial designed penthouse in front of our apartment is starting to deflect their illuminating lights and the glass windows of the modern glass house beside it is starting to glint in the sun.

I was still seating on my blue wing high chair, still smoking when I raised my head to relax, in my surprised, Cizar was also leaning forward, elbow on the railing, holding a white mug of coffee on his right hand and looking seriously at me, maybe judging me because he knows that I don’t smoke, but I don’t care! Fuck him. I acted like I didn’t care and continued smoking while eyes on the wet street.

I fixed myself and my things, didn’t shower anymore because I took a bath before I slept the last night, I’d just washed my face and brushed my teeth in a rush. Put on my ironed school uniform and went to the school. It’s past nine a.m. already and we were still on our chairs waiting for Miles until she gave an update on our group chat that she will be meeting us after lunch. We were sure that she was on a private client meeting taking advantage of our class schedule as she sometime does.

We came back after lunch; water dripping from our umbrellas, Mels was already seated on her chair scrolling something on her MacBook pretending that she didn’t notice us entering. And when the clock hits one-thirty p.m.,
“Is everybody in?” everyone looked on their side and we all said,
“Yes ma’am.”
“Okay! How are you doing? What’s the status of your thesis?” no one’s talking…
“It seems that, you’re not done yet! So does that mean that no one is ready for the defense?”
“Ma’am we are already finished with it, just need some finalization.” Someone said from the group.
“Good! How about the others?” we were just nodding at her unsure what to say, always intimidated.
“Anyway, I have the final decision already.” Again? Like what the fuck….. I felt like crying.
“The Dean already gave me the blessing to remove some of you. I’m sure you know why, Right? We all are aware of the very low passing percentage of or latest board exam.” We were all displaying “fuck you bitch” expression on our faces. She continued talking,
“The nine defenders that I chose last time will remain on their spot, and…..” were now all nervously waiting for what she’s going to say, and she began picking others who will join the defenders, and I was not among them.

Four of us were not chosen over nineteen students, but before becoming nineteen, we were all thirty-four in the class. But that doesn’t change the fact that more than half of us were cut from the group and it’s clearly unacceptable. Some of the defenders that were concerned for us fought for us, telling Miles that we also deserved to do the final defense, stating valid reasons, but Mels had already made up her crazy mind and it will be very hard to change her decision now. Miles continued saying,
“You know guys, you are not yet ready, and you need more practice.” I was looking at her with flat facial reaction, chin up. I was shouting on my mind, “Fuck you! Fuck you! How could you do this to us?” our classmates are now pitying us, some are now about to cry, but I didn’t. I know to myself that I worked hard for it and that I’m deserving. Miles wad still talking,
“This is for your own good guys, when you come back next year, you’ll see, you will become better and you will thank me soon.” My jaw is now clenching, gritting my teeth, swallowing nothing, but I suppressed my anger, I contained myself from bursting.

When the class was already over, everyone was so quiet, packing their things and leaving their chair awkwardly. Some of my classmates and friends came to me to comfort me but I told them I was fine and that it was just okay. Maine as the oldest among the class was also close to me and she advised me to go to Miles and beg her for a chance and I just nodded at her.

I and the other three came to Mels and talked to her but she didn’t gave us a chance, we told her to finish everything in one night but she didn’t listen to us, instead, she told us to thank her for what she has done. I left her office with my pride intact because I believed that I shouldn’t be begging her because she doesn’t deserve it.

I went to my apartment after what happened, every inch of my body was soaked from the rain and the last thing I remember was that I sat on the living room exhausted. And when I woke up, my head was stingingly hurting and my body was aching all over. I was conscious but I couldn’t remember how I ended up on my bed. I was even more awaken when I remembered what happened during my thesis class. I went to my drafting table and began scribbling and sketching my frustrations on Miles on my personal notebook and then I also wrote a secret letter directed to Miles:

“Once upon a time, there was a crazy bipolar witch!” oh no! I thought then erased what I wrote, I started again, “Once upon a time, she was the person we uses to look up too, she was an inspiration and an idol to all of us, was a mother and a friend to our young and needy little souls. Here comes the time ticking that caused us to wake up one day, we were on the height of madness, because the fantasy of Ethiopia has now ended. We were like slapped on our squared face about the reality, that everything was twisted, fake and a lie. I agree….. that she has done us much good, but we also given her more; full-time efforts, sweat, health and pride- the last of which is the first gift of a student life. Isn’t it so cruel and inhumane, yes inhumane of her to ask us to thank her after what she has done to the last five months of our lives? But then again, she was holding our lifeline. Tell me! What does that make her? A hypocrite shallow- two face bitch. Tell me! Where does my absurdity coming from? Don’t I have the right to get angry and go ballistic?”

We did try to talk to Mels about it again so that others won’t say we didn’t try our best but we only gain nothing but insult. I didn’t know why did she do it to me, unless if she was still offended during the few times that I debated her ideas and her comments on my works. There were times when I was insistent on my ideas and tried to defend them on her face in front of everyone. So I guessed that is one of the reason and second thing was that, LJ is my best friend. They had a deep misunderstanding to the point that, they stopped being friends and Miles even removed her on the class. Maybe because she can’t stand seeing us happy together, that’s why she took it personally and went through such length and that was the only possible reason I could think of. Because it can’t be that I am that lacking in every aspect for her to get rid of me just the week before the final defense that I had been preparing and fighting for, in every single second of five months. My drafting skill might not be so good but I know and she knows that I am better than some of the others which she allowed to take the final defense.

After finally deciding to stop myself from reaching out to Mels, I sent her a chat message:
“Hi ma’am, I want you to know that I’m accepting your decision, I also want to thank you for allowing me to fight with the rest of the defenders until the end, until the last week of the finals! (I emphasized) so that I could enhance my skills more. I really learned a lot from it! A lot! It really hurts but I’m hoping that it will heal soon, thanks again Mels.” – I was writing the message with so much enthusiasm in my sarcasm. And then she replied.
“You will be fine and you will become better, believe me! We’ll make that happen!” I wanted to curse her, besiege her and crucify her that moment but I didn’t.

My friends were asking me if, how am I managing it? I told them that, “what I have learned all throughout my years studying in this institution and in this organization is to suffer in silence.” Everyone thought that I was so strong but they were mistaken, they didn’t know that I’m tortured, tormented and suffering inside an abyss.

I have nothing now! Which simply means; that I have nothing to lose now. I was already in agony because of Cizar and now I am being distressed because of losing my thesis.