What Belongs to Me [COMPLETE]

Chapter 15 "Am i a failure?"

One more week to go and November will now be over which simply means that our thesis final defense was just along the corner. I and LJ entered Jas and Gayle’s apartment seeing a very familiar scene for us Interior Design students. Jumar and Sam was sleeping on the two wooden benches-their bags as their pillows, Nikka and CJ was curled on the floor using illustration board as their mat- also dozing offwhile Jas, Vans and Crista was kneeling in front of their portable drafting tables painting perspectives in a praying position which I find it really weird and Gayle looked very wasted sleeping while seated on the wood dining chair her head on the wooden table and left hand as her pillow. As we forced ourselves to enter the place, we looked each other in the eyes with the same reaction; lips pressed together, cheek raised and nodding to each other.

Laptops, books, paper works, bags, shoes(smelly socks),  portable drafting boards, few electric fans blowing papers everywhere, foods and coffee (mugs scattered), various drafting materials and paint brushes are scattered all around them. Leaving us nothing to position ourselves, so we went upstairs to make ourselves comfortable only to find out some of our other classmates already squatting like beggars around the floor and others sleeping on the bed, tangled to one another like we were watching a film about exorcism. We’re not really shocked about the situation because it was the way we does things, we stays together in one place to help each other, unluckily for Jas and Gayle because their place was chosen as the venue of the messy party-like for now and will have no choice but to do the general cleaning after.

We eventually found a spot for us to start working, and when the zombies were all awaken, the apartment became a market place, music here-music there, talking here-shouting there and a non-stop food trips. Because we learned that for some people; eating while working or studying is quite helpful to process information except to the extent of doing a stress eating. From time to time, others are making a power nap claiming to wake up in five minutes until it became thirty minutes to one hour to three hours until not realizing they had had slept the entire time already and when they wake up, they would be very pissed because no one even bothered to wake them up- truth is that others tried several times but they just kept on postponing waking up. A very common thing I must say.

So much horrible things happened to us to be still standing on the line, I mean for some of us in here who are still belong on the run in passing our thesis. Because Gayle and Christa together with our other classmates were already out since our midterms ended because they didn’t met ma’am Miles qualifications and wasn’t given the opportunity for a second chance. But the saddest thing for me was that LJ, she was also eliminated, her good relationship with Miles was turned into a messy misunderstanding causing her to hold her pride and give up her slot. And that the three of them were just with us to help finalizing our presentations for the big day.

I wanted to give my full effort because in just a couple of week, everything shall be put to an end. All the crazy efforts I made and risked for my thesis will be rewarded. Looking back at the beginning of the semester, even before the semester started; I and Christa, together with our nurse classmate’ Maine went to different towns using Maine’s car- a midnight blue Mitsubishi Montero sport to find a proposed project with complex design for our thesis project. We found more than ten but it was only one that was approved by Miles and it was belonged to Maine. So I decided to look at other cities alone to find more, I didn’t find one to the first city I went into but luckily I found one at the next city which was then approved by Miles at the last minute. I found a complex five-story atrium hotel with three swimming pools on its epicenter. Others found hospitals, airports, five-star restaurants and more hotels and resorts on different places along the beaches. The torment didn’t stopped there, we spent weeks on proposing for our thesis titles because Miles was just a frustrated perfectionist and after our prelims- more than ten of us was already eliminated from the class and when midterms came- there was a week when we didn’t got any sleep at all revising our five perspectives every day on that week to be passed every first hour in the morning, we became physically, mentally and even spiritually drained during that time, causing more of our classmates to voluntarily  give up and others to be forcefully eliminated from the class. So much torture happened to us that I couldn’t even remember it by now but the pain and sufferings was still inside during that time.

LJ focused on helping me that time, though more of her help came from her little way of her definition of helping- through giving me foods and moral support. We rushed everything on that night because the next morning would be a great battle for all of us. We also struggled on keeping on with other major subjects and the rest of the minor because literally, thesis took all of our precious times. Everything was just a conflict on all angles and that I already came so far and I must see it to the end. I promised to treat myself to a very nice fine dining and do shopping after all of it is done.

We didn’t notice the warmness of the night transformed to a chilled air the next morning. We didn’t have any sleep except for the others who came to help us. We force ourselves to take a shower and then we headed straightaway to the school in order for us to not get ourselves in trouble when we ended up being late. While passing by the parking lot, we saw that Miles Toyota FJ Cruiser was already parked stunningly along with the other cars. With our things on both arms, we rushed to our classroom, breathing heavily while ascending the four story staircase. We entered the room quietly not making any unnecessary sounds; only few of our classmates are seated politely on their metal high stools’, Miles yellow coffee mug was seated on top of her glass table but she was nowhere to be seen because she was inside the faculty room just adjacent to our classroom. When the clock hits seven thirty; the faculty room flushed door with a vertical view glass swung open, Miles came out wearing a white long sleeve and a plain black trouser on her two inches black wedge sandal, she sat on her brown mono block chair with backrest and then she put on her black rimmed eye glasses looking at us one by one maybe checking if everyone was already inside.

She took our class card inside her leather laptop bag and she pulled one saying,
“Miss Villanueva, lead the prayer.” We all stood up then Gabbi started praying in a personal prayer, because Miles hated it when we pray in plain “our father” after she prayed, we all said,
“Saint Anthony, pray for us.” And then we sat down, eyes glued on our tables to avoid eye contact with Miles. She started calling out our names on the class card one by one and when she was done checking, some of our late classmates just arrived. They stood nervously stiffed on the door waiting for the verdict of Miles on them, with her sharp eyes shifted to them, traveled one by one she said,
“All of you who are late, carry your tables and assemble yourselves outside!” whenever Miles say such comment, everyone just never dared to even mutter and mumble something even to themselves or make any facial expression. When the late comers was already seated on their seats at the hallway, Miles began talking business,
“Good morning guys, why do you all look so haggard?” trying hard to make everyone at ease even though she already knew that everyone was definitely shaking on their knees with toes numbed. When no one was answering her, one of her favorite student responded to her question,
“We haven’t had any sleep yet ma’am.” The other one said kiddingly.
“You know guys, you shouldn’t exhaust yourself too much” she said but we all knew and she also knew that she didn’t really meant it. “If you can’t handle the pressure anymore, you might want to rethink things and quit now.” she said nicely while smiling sarcastically. A real matherfucking bitch, I thought.

Very early but there was a rain shower, every time the weather was gloomy, I know that something is wrong, I can feel it, something really bad is going to happen and the rain is coming down to comfort me. Miles then continued talking,
“Guys listen, I made my decision.” What the hell is she saying? I anxiously thought.
“It’s hard for me to make this decision, but I have decided to let go some of you, some who didn’t met the expectation and criteria.” “What???” I muttered to myself, everyone was now frowning in disbelief. What is she saying? The final defense is now already scheduled next next week.
“I’m giving the final chance to those whom I think wasn’t yet ready.” She began dividing the class into two groups; the one whom she thinks are the best and the ones who are just trash in her eyes. Only one/fourth of the class did she gave the assurance of doing the final defense and the rest of us is 50/50.” She said. That’s it! She was just so fucking unreasonable, just because they were late she kept them hanging not considering their performance.
“To all 50/50, you have to finish everything until next week, only then I will decide if you can go through.” And then she stood from her desk going back inside the office saying,
“Proceed now! Pack your things and go home to work on it, or if you wanted to stay here then feel free.”
When we all heard the office door slammed, everyone started talking, cursing, other fixing their things including I and the ones who got the upper hand stayed in the classroom confidently. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me, after all I’ve done! It turned out that it is still wasn’t enough? I’m still wasn’t enough, I definitely knew to myself that I like what I’m doing! I loved what I was doing but why?

I could still remember when I was in my freshman year, I was really driven by my passion, every praises I had kept me going, I believed I really belonged. “But now, I was beginning to doubt my ability, my talent, myself! This couldn’t be blamed to anybody but me only. I don’t want to blame it on this one thing that came into my life, this thing that until now, I couldn’t believe it has the power to change everything, it can’t be! This thing called love. I’d rather blame it on my short comings as a student than to divert it on this thing. I really needed to come back to my senses right now!” I thought. There are still reasons for me to keep pursuing this, my family’s trust in me, their strong faith in me that I can be successful one day, the people around me and I don’t want to disappoint them.

After what happened, I didn’t go home immediately, the circle asked me if where am I headed but I didn’t tell them. They invited me to go and make ourselves wasted, to curse the world, to shout our madness on the KTV, get drunk and forget everything for one night. The thought of forgetting everything for a moment almost convinced me but I tried to fight the urge, I told them that I really have important matter to do. As I approached the place, the chilling vibe of the place crept through the inner me, I saw someone dressed in a white long gown staring at my direction. It was Father Matthias a tall and handsome Brazilian missionary/priest from Rio de Janiero, he is our school Vice President. He smiled at me and I bowed my head to receive his blessing. I sat on a pew on the far end of our school chapel and observed my surrounding for a second. I saw some student from different departments scattered on the pews and to my surprised I saw one of my classmate on the other side of the chapel who also, like me didn’t make it to the cut off. She was weeping, agonizing about what happened to her and I could really relate to her suffering. I wanted to approach her, but why should I? do I have the right and qualification? No! I was also a failure I said to myself. So instead, I raised my head slowly looking at the white patternless ceiling, internalized everything- about my situation, I was also in anguished and also tormented! With the heavy feeling on my heart at the moment, by the open chapel of our university- I knelt down and wept. Asking God if why is this happening to me? What did I do so wrong to deserved this? Are my efforts not enough? Only then I realized that, that moment I came to the chapel was only one of the few chances I came inside it with a burdened heart. I realized that I didn’t deserve the grace of God and I should be ashamed. So I left the chapel felling embarrassed about myself in front of God. I totally forgot God when I was suffering; I turned my back at him because of my busyness on my thesis. I lost my time for him because I was so absorbed on my studies.
When I left the chapel, I was looking around at the old buildings of our school, it seems that they are telling me stories, they are comforting me, the hall of fame for the hundreds topnotchers’ of our institution is telling me something. That I was put into this elite school, because I was destined to face great challenges and that I can manage myself. Meanwhile, when I was passing along the statue of the saints and the virgin, they are also displaying their compassion for me; it seems that tears are streaming and flowing from their stone eyes. After contemplating, I shifted my eyes to the horizon looking for a sign of hope.