Lost and Found

18 | blake

"Noah showed up at my house on Sunday."

I don't know why I bother to bring the subject up. Maybe because I can't stop thinking about last Sunday, and my thoughts have finally gotten the best of me. Or maybe there comes a time when everyone just needs someone to listen, and who is there better to listen to me than my best friend?

Jess turns to face me, spinning around in the desk chair. It's hard to wrap my head around how different her appearance is now since she dyed her hair blond. She also opted for a haircut, her now honey-colored waves reaching just past her shoulders, the look adding an air of maturity to her.

"Really?" Jess questions. She looks shocked by my former statement for only a moment, taking the news in stride. "Wow. I didn't think he would. How are you holding up?"

"It was harder than I thought it would be," I admit. I've been trying so hard to pretend that I don't care about Noah returning to town, yet something about having him in my home last Sunday was almost too much to bear. His presence brought along waves of nostalgia that I feel as if I've begun to drown in.

"He talked to my mom, which was weird. He went inside with Brooke for a little while. He played soccer with the twins. Even Jackie remembers him. It was like no time passed at all, Jess. Like he'd never left." My voice cracks on the last sentence, giving away the raw emotion I feel within. I'm not sure what about having Noah back is getting to me, but I can't deny the truth any longer. Having him around is getting to me. A lot.

Jess studies me for a moment, pursing her lips as she crosses her legs. Her dark eyes cloud as her expression turns thoughtful. When she opens her mouth to speak, I know it's my turn to listen.

"Please don't take this the wrong way, B," she starts in a soft tone, "but I hope you know that it's okay to hurt. It's okay to not want to see Noah. It's okay to feel weird about all of this. Simply put, it's okay for you to not be okay."

I take a seat on the corner of my bed, frowning as I take in Jess's words.

"Noah hurt you, so it's only natural for you to be pained by his presence," Jess continues. "You should know that it's okay to move on. I know you've said that you have and that the past is in the past, but I also know you. You've never been good at letting things go. You overthink, and you're harder on yourself than you should be. Which is why I think you're scared to move on, because you think moving on means letting go. And as much as you say you want to, I know part of you isn't quite ready to let go of him, Blake."

I'm half shocked by Jess's words whilst half understanding of them. It will never stop scaring me how well my best friend has come to know me, and it will never stop being reassuring when she says exactly what I need to hear.

"You're allowed to love Noah and still move past him, Blake," she adds gently, gaze full of understanding. "No one expects you to be the same girl you were when he left. No one expects you to hold onto the past. You have so much going for you now, Blake. Don't hold yourself back because of what you had in the past. Stop hurting yourself over things that are over now, B. Allow yourself to live in the moment. Let yourself be happy. And if you don't think you can do that for yourself, then do it for me."

As hard as it is to hear the truth, I know that Jess is right. After all this time, I need to stop torturing myself. I need to stop thinking about what I once had with Noah and comparing it to what we have now. I need to stop opening old wounds just to think back on "better" times. If I want to be happy, I need to focus on the present. I need to allow my wounds to close and heal. I need to let myself live out my future instead of wallow in the past.

I need to let go.

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a/n: someone come get me i'm listening to high school musical