Lost and Found

24 | blake

Since Dylan and I have been going out for almost two months now, I finally decide that I want him to meet my family.

I have to admit that I make the decision spontaneously. Since my past relationships fell through, it's been tough for me to allow the men I have in my life to enter my family's as well. Not only am I afraid of getting attached to people out of fear that they will leave me, I also don't want my family to have to go through again what they did when Noah left.

Noah had been very close with my family. My siblings treated him like their own, my mother made special dinners when he came over, and even my dad liked him enough to call him "son". It had been perfect, the ideal boyfriend situation.

Until it wasn't.

I can't put into words how painful it had been for the twins to ask me when Noah was going to come visit them again once Noah left. It had been ever harder to put up with Jackie wondering when her "cutie patootie" was going to come back. What hurt most of all was having Mom try to console me by saying repeatedly, "You never know, honey. This might not be the end for you two. Just give it some time."

Eventually, enough time passed to where even my family seemed to understand that Noah wasn't coming back. At least, not in the sense we all wanted him to. Noah and I were over, and I had lost him. But I wasn't the only one who had lost him, and I think his absence affected my family almost as much as it did me.

It's for that reason I haven't allowed any of the boys I've dated since to get close to my family, for fear that they would have to go through that all over again—not like I've been on that many dates since, that is.

I'm still not sure what exactly made me want to invite Dylan over to meet my family. Maybe because he has stuck around longer than I thought we would, and I genuinely enjoy being with him. He's sweet, kind, and attractive—not to mention smart and driven. He treats me better than I could expect anyone else to, and I can envision a future with him in it. With Dylan, I feel safe. Comfortable.

But deep down, I know the ease I feel in my relationship with Dylan isn't the main reason behind me wanting to bring him home. Moments before I'd asked him to meet my family, I'd been sitting in the courtyard with him, unable to stop replaying a conversation I'd previously had with Jess in my mind.

Jess had entered our dorm room with a half-empty iced coffee in hand, signifying that she'd gone to town on her day off from class. This wasn't unusual, so I hadn't thought much of it. Yet, somehow, I could tell that something was off with her. She wore a cagey expression, refusing to glance at me, even when I directly spoke to her.

Fed up with her secretiveness, I'd asked her what was wrong. At first, Jess had denied that anything was going on, quickly trying to change the subject. However, knowing her as long as I have means I'm easily to able to tell when she's lying.

Before long, Jess finally admitted why she was acting so strange. Needless to say, I'd been shocked to find out that she'd run into Noah. When I'd heard that Jess had screamed at him and slapped him, I'd been unsure of how to feel. But as the story progressed and Jess told me that she had forgiven Noah and they'd spent the better half of the day together, my mood had instantly darkened.

Part of me had felt betrayed by my friend, though I'm not exactly sure why. It's not fair of me to feel that way toward Jess, considering she had been friends with Noah before he left. She has every right to forgive Noah and move on from the past, yet part of me doesn't seem to want to accept this fact. In the moment, I couldn't stop myself from wondering if Jess had forgotten the hell Noah had put me through, how broken I'd been when he left. For her to just ignore all of that and hang our with him like nothing had ever happened . . . well, it just didn't sit well with me.

However, the other part of me had been jealous. Part of me still is jealous when I think about how easy it'd been for Jess and Noah to forget the past and to create new memories together, despite everything. And without me.

Jess and I never fight. Considering how different our personalities are, you'd think we'd rival like fire and ice, yet something about the two of us has always seemed to click, forming a bond that has never quite been tested before.

Until Jess told me about Noah.

It wasn't fair of me, I know, but after hearing Jess's story, I just . . . lost it. One thing led to another, and I ended up saying some things I shouldn't have. I then stormed out of our dorm and called Dylan to meet up with him, thinking to myself that Jess can have Noah if she wants him. At least I have Dylan.

Running off of my anger and adrenaline, I'd invited Dylan to come over tonight and meet my parents. He'd seemed shocked when I'd asked him, though pleasantly so. He'd agreed and assured me that he'd love to meet my family if I was ready for him to. I'd faked a smile and told him that I wanted nothing more, and now here I am.

As the memory runs through my head, I find it hard to stay in the present with Dylan. Once I start thinking about Jess and Noah, I can't seem to stop. My thoughts jump from one to another, completely out of my control.

I'm soon lost in my head, oblivious to the world around me. My thoughts of Noah take me back to the night I'd spent at Mia and Thorne's where I'd run into him. Instead of focusing on the time we'd spent as a group, I find that my thoughts want to focus on the few moments I'd spent outside in the parking lot alone with Noah.

I hadn't wanted to be alone with him. I'd wanted to get the hell out of there before things could get too awkward. But one thing led to another, and then Noah was apologizing to me, and suddenly leaving hadn't seemed so important anymore.

When Noah had reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear for me, I'd suddenly wanted the moment we were sharing to last forever. Just one touch from him and Noah Reed had ignited a flame within me that hasn't been lit in a long time. Beneath the heat of his gaze and the feel of his skin on mine, memories I hadn't thought of in forever suddenly resurfaced. Along with the memories came old feelings, and it'd felt like I'd gone back in time.

I don't know what had come over me. For the entirety of the time Noah had had his hand on my cheek, I'd prayed that he wouldn't let go. When my eyes met his, I never wanted to look away. I'd wanted to stay in that moment for eternity, simply so I could stay in Noah's presence. In that minute, everything had felt . . . perfect.

Up until then, I'd forgotten what it felt like to feel truly beautiful in someone else's eyes. I'd forgotten how reckless Noah Reed used to make me feel, as if I were on top of the world. All it took was his hands and eyes on me once again to unleash those old feelings, and I couldn't stop myself from reveling in them.

Thinking back on that moment, I realize how utterly stupid I'd been. Who was I kidding, pretending I didn't remember the past three years I'd lived without Noah? I don't need a boy to make me feel the way I had in that moment. With or without Noah Reed, I am beautiful and I am worthy.

Staring off into the distance before me, focused on nothing but my thoughts, I think to myself: So why is it that you only feel that way around Noah?

____

a/n: y'all ever be feeling okay and then get sad out of nowhere and then feel stuck in that sadness? bc same.