Lost and Found

29 | blake

"You've been avoiding me."

I bristle at the sound of someone speaking, startled to the point of flinching. I take my time as I turn around, knowing that the person I'm about to face is exactly the person I'd been hoping to avoid.

"What are you talking about?" I ask nonchalantly as I turn to Jess, who sits perched on the edge of her bed, glancing at me with knowing eyes.

I study her for a moment, noticing subtle changes in her appearance. Her dark roots are starting to grow back in. Her dark eyes watch, cold and calculated, as if she knows what I'm thinking without me having to voice my thoughts.

The truth is that I have been avoiding Jess. Part of me is still upset that she went behind my back with Noah, though I've more or less moved on from that. Lately, I've been avoiding her because of some things I said to her the last time we were together. I'm ashamed of myself.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You haven't stayed in our dorm for over a week now. You ignore my calls and texts. You've been keeping to yourself at your parents house."

I find it hard to avoid confrontation with the truth out in the open. I stand idly by the door in silence, unsure of what to say to help the situation I've gotten myself into.

"Please tell me what it is I did to make you this mad, Blake. You can't really still be upset over me and—"

"I'm not!" I snap, startling both myself and Jess. A surge of anger courses through my veins, a storm of unsettled emotions washing over my mind. "I don't care that you've been hanging out with Noah. If that's what you want to do, it's fine with me. It's none of my business."

A shadow crosses over Jess's features, a dark gleam shining in her eyes. Throwing her hands up in exasperation, Jess cries, "You're lying!"

"No, I'm not!" I counter, voice rising.

Jess tilts her head to the side, glaring at me through hooded eyes. "Then why have you been staying at your parents? Why do you only come to the dorm when you know I won't be here? Why have you been sending my calls to voicemail and leaving my texts on read? Why did you storm out of the place when I told you I'd been spending time with Noah? Sounds to me like you have a problem with it!"

The anger coursing through my veins only rises as Jess continues. I've never felt such strong frustration before, and I can feel my emotions consuming me.

"Damn right I have a problem with it!" I argue, getting all up in Jess's face. "You know what he did to me! You know how hurt I was when he left! Yet you're ready to forgive him and act like nothing happened after one run-in? Do you know how that makes me feel?"

Jess's eyes get wide as I yell at her, clearly taken aback. Yet I don't stop, because I've been bottling up my emotions for too long now. Sooner or later, I was bound to explode.

"Just like my family!" I drone on, voice continuing to rise. "Everyone accepted Noah like he'd never hurt me at all! You know what they did when Dylan came over? Every single one of them treated him coldly. He's hardly even talked to me since that night! You wanna know what made them want to scare him off? Because he's not Noah." Resisting the urge to break something, I cry, "I'm so fucking sick of Noah Reed!"

My eyes widen once I'm down with my outburst, embarrassed and ashamed with how I've acted. I raise a finger to my lips in astonishment, unable to believe the words that just left my mouth. I catch a small glimpse of my reflection in the mirror across the room, and the girl I'm left looking at is completely unrecognizable to me. I can't remember the last time I truly felt like myself.

"Is that how you really feel?" Jess asks bluntly after a moment of drawn out silence, raising an eyebrow as she awaits my answer.

I shake my head in shame as I mutter, "No."

Wordlessly, Jess crosses over to where I now sit on my bed, lowering herself next to me. Her presence is comforting, and I can feel myself calming down slowly.

"I don't want to fight with you," Jess says softly. "I love you, B. I'm always on your side, and I'd never willingly go against you or voluntarily do something to hurt you. I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life, so don't take this as me trying to do that. But . . . I think that maybe you should take some time for yourself. Lately, you've just been . . . off. I don't mean that in a bad way, but it's easy for me to see that you're confused with yourself and with what you want and where you're heading in life. And there is nothing wrong with that. I just think maybe you should take some time to . . . figure things out."

I nod, taking Jess's words to heart. After all, she's right. I know that I haven't been myself lately. And taking some time to figure out who I am and want to be sounds exactly like what I need.

"Okay," I murmur faintly. "You're right. I just need to . . . figure things out."

Jess offers me a small smile of understanding, taking my hand in hers and squeezing reassuringly. Releasing my hand, Jess wraps her arms around me and pulls me in close, bridging the invisible barrier that has been between us with a single gesture. I don't hesitate to hug her back, burying my face in her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Blake," she mumbles softly as we embrace. "Can we please stop fighting now?"

A laugh escapes me as I pull out of her grasp. "I'd like that. And I'm sorry, too."

Expression hopeful, Jess asks, "Does that mean you'll finally move back into our dorm?"

"I was hoping you'd as that," I tease. "I missed you."

With a sly grin, Jess says, "I was hoping you'd say that."

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a/n: i am SO sorry for the slow/nonexistent updates lately. my life has been a complete mess and finding the time to update when i have to use my girlfriend's laptop that she has to take with her to work and use at home for school (ew lol) is very hard. probably why i'm literally updating at two in the morning. but i have missed writing and seeing all of your sweet and funny comments. thank you to my readers that have stuck with me even tho i'm being a lousy updater rn. i am so grateful for you all.