Gone With The Wind ✔️

beginning

"21 days, Eli. You only have 21 days left."

I wore a black sleeves shirt and tucked it inside in my maong flare pants. I paired it with a white converse shoes and a black leather belt with a letter E buckle. I just let my long black wavy hair hang loosely even though I already dried it with my blower so it'll be ready to tie.

I am not a fan of heavy make up. Tint and powder are already enough for me. Besides, I won't be attending in any big occasions or clubs, gagala lang naman ako sa Pilipinas.

After fixing myself in front of my oblong standing mirror in this mini room of mine, I already turned my back and got my mini sling bag. I checked if my phone, wallet, journal and pen, and of course, my medicines are already there. They will be my companions throughout the 21 days that's left for me.

Yup, 21 days. I only have 21 days left to live. That's what my doctor said. Well mainly because I'm already at my almost last stage of my illness which is Non Hodgkin Lymphoma cancer. Yup, you read it right.

'Cancer'. I'm on my almost last stage of my hell cancer.

Honestly, when Dr. Frida announced it to me yesterday that I only have 21 days left to live in this crapped world of ours, I didn't shed any single tear. I just didn't. I felt a pang on my chest, I was dazed for some minute, but I didn't cried. After some hours of her revelation of the truth, naging normal na ang pakiramdam ko. I wasn't fretted at all. I wasn't worried that I'm already dying. Dahil doon naman tayo papunta lahat. And besides, wala naman akong maiiwan.

I'm alone in my life. I don't have a family because they dumped me and threw me away like a spoiled food, just because of a false accusation. When it comes to friends? Well, I have some. My workmates. But they're really not the ready-to-go friends that a normal people have. Hindi ko din naman sila kailangan.

It's actually fine. It won't be hard to step in the afterlife's door.

Being a ill working student is arduous. But I somehow feel good of being alone. There's no other person holding me back from everything that I'd like to do.

I already resigned in my work, dropped in my school. I still have some savings in my bank too and the amount isn't a worrisome since again, I just have 21 days left.

After securing everything, I already locked the apartment and left. I just walked across the street since the crossing where I am going to wait for a bus isn't that far from where I am living.

After I arrived, the waiting shed was almost full so I just stood up beside the tall post surrounded with such flowers in colors red and yellow. They looked cute so I took a picture of them with my phone. Good, may ipapaprint na'rin ako para sa first day.

While standing up, I can't help but to think of my to-do list in my journal. I have so much things listed in there and even if there's a huge possibility I won't be able to fulfill all of them, but I'll try.

Naniniwala kasi ako sa kasabihang, 'Habang may buhay may pag-asa.' Though my life is a bit fucked-up and I'm getting hopeless, it's not a hindrance to stop me from reaching my goals.

Nakarinig ako ng busina kaya agad nasundan ng tingin ko kung saan nanggagaling iyon. An air-conditioned bus stop right in front of the waiting shed. The entrance already opened so I marched and made my way inside.

My skin then felt the coldness of the inside. The bus is almost full and now I am roaming my eyes around to see if there's still a vacant seat for me. Napanguso ako habang lumilinga at nagsimulang magmartsa papunta sa likod. Nagbabakasakali.

My hands held the edges of the chairs to support my weight since the bus is already moving. I might lose my balance and be in a predicament. Ayoko namang may ganong alaala sa mga natitirang oras na meron na lang ako.

After seconds of searching, I saw one vacant seat and beside it is already occupied with a man. Even if I'd like to sit at the window part, but I can't since he's already sitting on that part. I immediately walked towards the seat but in a sudden, I became hesitant.

A man with a faded ripped jeans, paired with a black t-shirt with a 'live' word printed on its chest part, and a white Nike shoes, even if he's facing outside, tilting his head, I am certain it's a tear that escaped from his eyes.

I just took back my gaze and sat beside him. Maybe there's no one sitting beside him because they want to give him some space or privacy. If you'll look closely, you'll really see he's crying. Gusto ko din naman sana siyang bigyan ng space but what can I do? I don't want to stand for hours.

I moved a little closer, giving us space in between. I placed my bag above my legs. As much as I want to sit comfortably, I can't help but to be bothered with the person beside me.

I pursed my lips when I heard a little sound of sob beside me. Pansin ko rin ang paglingon ng iba sa gawi na'min kaya hindi ko mapigilang mapayuko at mapapikit ng mariin.

Jesus, I just hope they won't think I did something wrong with this person beside me.

After some minutes that passed, I glanced at the man and he's still crying. I can't help but to feel obliged and it made me pursed my lips again. But despite of the feeling, nakaramdam din ako ng awa at mangha sa katabi ko.

Pity, because I think he's having a hard time because of something I don't know, and amusement because of his bravery.

Yes, bravery. Because if I were him, I will never cry in any public places. No matter how heavy my heart is, I will never dare to cry at any public places. But him, he did. He's so brave for crying despite there's a lot of people around him.

People, you can't cry in somewhere public if you're not brave.

My phone vibrated that's why my attention was taken aback. I opened my bag and searched for my phone inside. After I finally got it, I viewed the unread messages from my doctor.

It was just some pieces of advices and mementos. The DOs and DONTs of her. She reminded me with my meds too that I shouldn't forget about it. To be honest, I think my medicines are futile now and useless, since I'm about to die anyway.

I didn't knew I fell asleep. I slowly opened my eyes and covered my mouth when I yawned. I peeked in front to see if I'm already close to my destination, and I think I'm already here.

Biglang bumalik sa alaala ko ang katabi ko kaya agad akong napalingon doon. He's still here beside me. Resting his head on the window, still silently crying.

Ilang oras na ba siyang ganiyan?

The bus already stopped and I heard its entrance open. Hudyat na kailangan nang bumaba ang kailangang bumaba.

I fixed myself, hanged the chain strap of my sling bag and stood up. I usually doesn't care about strangers since I got trauma from the past, but this man is making me feel uncanny and apologetic. Maybe because I didn't comforted him as a stranger? I don't have the courage either.

But, I don't want to add some load in my heart today and I don't want to feel guilty. So before leaving, I sighed and searched for my hanky inside my bag.

I cleared my throat before speaking.

"Please be alright." I didn't waited for his reply instead I placed my hanky beside him, turned my back and left.