Gone With The Wind ✔️

fifteen

Elizabeth

Halos hindi ako makagalaw sa kinauupuan ko dahil sa sinabi niya. My whole body is in the state of surprised. Trying to process the whole thing. His words saying he likes me...too.

"21 days, Eli. You only have 21 days left."

My doctor's voice suddenly echoed in my head, contrasting the happiness that wants to outburst. I want to be happy, I want to shout because of joy, but the reminiscent of my damned reality, how can I be?

I want to hug him, and confess the same but I-i can't. I can't say it. I want to rejoice, celebrate because he gave back the same affection. But I can't do it.

Bakit sa panahon na gusto ko maging masaya, kinokontra kaagad ako ng tadhana? Am I bad? Am I that bad?

I saw how he pursed his lips and avoided his eyes on me. Probably guilty of what he said. But for, there's nothing to be guilty with. It's somehow alright, rejoicing --- that's if I am not dying. But I am, so it's somehow cruel for me to hear it. Because I know I won't be able to taste his affection for me any longer. Because my body, my body is already giving up.

"It's fine i-if you don't you know...feel the same. I understand, Eli. Besides, it's just been a week and a day since we got along. But yeah, konting panahon pa lang simula noong magkakilala tayo pero bakit may nararamdaman na'ko sayo?" He chuckled and looked at me. He then ruffled my hair with his palm, and a memory with him from our first day flashed in my head because of that.

Now, my tears starts streaming down on my cheeks as my heart continues to tighten.

Ako din, Wallace. Naitanong ko na'din sa sarili ko yan...

"W-wallace I do---AAAAAAAHHHHH!" I screamed when I suddenly felt some extreme pain all over my bones. It's a pain that I cannot understand, a type of pain that no one will ever wish to feel. Ang sakit.

Wallace's eyes widened upon seeing me like this, he was panicking, distinctly confused and worried what is happening to me. Halatang hindi niya alam ang gagawin niya sa'kin. 

I no longer can't stop myself from crying, and it runs down together with my sweat. I felt Wallace's shaking hand on both of my shoulders.

"Eli, anong nangyayari sayo?!" His voice was so fretted. 

But I can't speak. I barely can't speak because of the pain. Naka-awang lang ang labi ko habang umiiyak. Pinipilit tiisin ang nararamdaman. I want my pain killers but my body is shaking that much that reaching for my bag is already hard for me. 

"Eli, pakiusap sabihin mo sa'kin kung anong nangyayari! Anong masakit sayo?! Damn, I am worrying!" 

Hindi ko na maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. Sakit lang ang nararamdaman ko, simula paa hanggang ulo. I feel like I am drowning, I am starting to have a difficulty with breathing. Mas lalong sumikip ang damdamin ko.

Ngayon na ba ang huli?

I cried more with the thought. Is it already my time? In any seconds now, will my heart beat stop? Am I leaving him alone now?

Pero ayaw ko pa...

Funny how I thought it'll be easy for me to step in the afterlife's door because I don't have anyone to lose. I am alone in life, all I have is myself.

Akala ko noon wala na akong dapat ipag-abala. Kahit man hanggang ngayon ay mahal ko pa'rin ang pamilya ko pero alam kong hindi na nila ako kailan man gugustuhing maging parte nila.

I got used at being alone. I got used at life's betrayal. Even if I often question myself if I really don't deserve happiness.

I became confident about not worrying about my death. In fact there's a side of me rejoicing beacause honestly, I am tired with my battle.