Breathing Blues

Things Move

41 -

As I waited on the railway station for Darshan my mind somehow drifted back to Dhriti. No matter what I say or do, doesn't changes that I wronged her and it sucks even more so because this goes against womanhood.

I mean, I was jealous of her sure but because I somewhat admired her and for a spilt second maybe I wanted to be like her although she was super privileged she did something good out of it.

But, reading Darshan is quite easy if you know him except exceptional times of course like she's been with him since years so how come she never figured out.

"Hi", he patted my shoulder from behind and I turned around as he took my luggage.

"Hi, you're late", I threw my bag on him.

"Ouch!", he exclaimed. "They say good things take time", he winked and I just looked at him for a while. "Okay, let's go", we started walking out of the railway station. "By the way, couldn't you have taken a flight? I know my way better on airports rather than railway stations", he said.

"Airports are irreplaceable. There's something weirdly twisted about them, I agree but", I paused. "How long haven't you been on a train?", I asked.

"It's been years honestly", Darshan replied.

"I agree, that airports are: hellos and goodbyes, thriving feelings when you're on the road to them, departures and arrivals, stories, good stories, tears, laughter, starting from one city or country and ending into another in a few hours", I said as he loaded my luggage in his car.

"Now, that you put it that way it sounds so good. Same feelings, ditto", Darshan said, as we both sat in the car.

"But trains are: conversations, wide smiles, annoying TCs, bonding, some feelings close to family, the constant Chai Walas when you're on a station, observing, adjusting, fighting over the charging point, bookstalls. Trains are about love and longness", I said. "You need to take a train ride", I added.

"If we decide to go on a trekking trip like YJHD, I'm in", Darshan joked.

"Yeah, whatever", I rolled my eyes. "How have you been?", I asked him.

"Tired", he replied.

Whenever you ask Darshan, hey how are you? The reply is always 'tired'.

"Aren't you tired of being tired don’t you just wanna be not tired?", I asked.

"Yeah, life happens. Your parents die, you need to pay taxes and buy mediclaim policies. Tired", he said.

"Weird realization: We all become orphans, eventually, or are buried by a parent", I said.

"Now, I know you're back in town", he mocked and I chuckled.

"Can I ask you something and you promise to reply honestly?", I asked him and he looked at me for a moment before nodding faintly. "What exactly happened with Dhriti?", I questioned.

"Okay, well, I knew you were going to ask this sometime but not this soon but anyways", he took a sharp right turn and I felt chills because the AC was at highest. "So, um, we were on a break right? And it was really necessary. I met with Dhriti while you were in Delhi like she was here for a conference and we had coffee. I told her everything and I knew and know that I was wrong with her at the end of our relationship. It was a long time of investment really but oddly she wasn't mad at all like obviously she was angry but it didn't lasted. So that was yeah pretty much it", he told me.

How can I do good things for myself without feeling guilty? I feel like I don't deserve happiness, even more so now.

"Yeah okay, it's all very complicated", I pressed my lips.