Pandemonium

Chapter 10

I blinked my eyes a few times, getting used to the brightly lit room. I was thankful for the dreamless slumber. No dreams meant a peaceful sleep and that's what I needed now. Not wanting to face the reality just yet, I watched the dust particles dancing on an unknown melody in the sunlight streaming through the window. Carefree and unbothered, they moved to their own rhythm.

Never thought I would be jealous of tiny dust particles, but here I was looking at them with envy; longing to be like them. Annoyed, I moved my hand through them, disturbing their motion. Chaotic, that's how they looked now. But in that chaos too, they appeared to be dancing to a new song.

"I used to do that when I was a kid." It was Susan, as her nametag read; leaning on the doorframe, arms crossed behind her back. "Disturb their movement and watch them calm down again. They remained unbothered, no matter how many times I disturbed their motion." She walked across the room and sat on the chair beside my bed, legs crossed and hands neatly folded in her lap.

I stared at her, not saying a word. I wasn't supposed to know this woman. "I learned to be uncaring from them. No matter the situation, being unbothered by any action." She said, folding her arms across her chest.

I couldn't help but raise my eyebrows and look away. "What?" she questioned. "You think I'm wrong?" She asked with narrowed eyes.

Looking her in the eye, I replied, "Yeah. I think you are confused between being carefree and uncaring."

She leaned forward in her seat, "Enlighten me then," she asked with her head slightly tilted.

I glanced at the dust particles and then back at her. "Carefree is having no worries and uncaring is having no concern for others. There's a huge difference," I replied. She shrugged and said, "I don't see much of a difference."

I looked away. Why was I trying to explain anything to this woman after what she did to me? Not wanting to drag the conversation anymore, I went straight to the point, "Why are you here?"

Leaning back she said, "I'm Nussa, your doctor. I'm here to see how you're doing." She dragged her thumb across her nametag, purposely drawing my attention to it.

Internally rolling my eyes, I frowned at her and asked what she wanted me to ask, "Then why does your nametag say Susan?"

"It doesn't say Susan. It actually says Nussa. It's your brain that perceives the anagram- Susan." She said the same recited line again with worry on her face.

God! This woman was good! She deserved an award for her impeccable acting skills. If it weren't for Raina I would've believed Susan. I didn't want to make her suspicious so playing along with her lie, I said, "That's not possible!" I managed to sound genuinely worried and it seemed like she bought it.

Same as Raina told me, she called her brother in the room and asked him to read out her nametag aloud. I played along again, faking distress and asking them to leave me alone.

When they left, I covered my mouth with my hand, suppressing the laughter that escaped my lips. Even I deserved an award for my acting skills. I had fooled both of them into thinking that I had lost my memories. My laughter subsided as I realized it was true. I had actually lost my memories and the ones I was relying on, were Raina's.

A small amount of doubt seeped inside my mind. Was it possible that Raina wasn't telling the entire truth? Speak of the devil- the door opened and Raina walked in.

Instead of sitting on the chair as I expected, she sat on the edge of my bed. "Are you feeling okay?" she asked.

I could've said I was fine, but the helplessness of my situation made me burst out, "No, No I'm not okay. I lost my goddamn memories for the third time. How do you think I feel huh? Okay? You expect me to feel okay?! For God's sake, you could lie right to my face and I wouldn't even know!!!"

She stood up, walked closer to me, and put her hand on my shoulder. "I am not lying to you. Everything I told you was the truth." Her voice sounded so sincere.

I didn't want to believe her, "You could be lying." I whispered back.

She opened her mouth but closed it again when she realized something. Silently, she looked at me with sympathy and said, "You know I'm telling the truth, but you don't want to believe it. Because believing me would mean believing that Sierra's dead."

The truth in her words made me look away. I refused to believe that my sister was dead. Sierra was the only person I remembered and I didn't know what I would do if she didn't exist anymore. I gulped and blinked back the tears in my eyes. She wasn't dead, she couldn't be.

"Take me to her grave." I murmured at Raina.

"Tonight" she squeezed my hand and sat in silence.

Tonight I would go and see the grave. It wouldn't have Sierra's name. She can't be dead, she's not dead. I refuse to believe it.