Poems: Just A Piece Of My Heart

36. Different

There is a house built out of snow,
Water flows by the window sills,
Tables and chairs by all of the dust,
This is a place where I don't feel lost
- Cinematic Orchestra

I'm not a troubled soul,
I know I'm not,
I don't have nightmares every night,
I'm normal

But yet I'm not.
I'm not like everybody else,
They all seem to want to know me.
But I don't want it.

Random guys who mean absolutely nothing to me
Ask for things I can't give,
Thinking I'm just like everyone else,
But I'm not.

There is so much to me that I never want people to find out,
A part of me that I want to keep hidden,
And if its a crime for not wanting you
Then I'd happily go to jail,

My life isn't a messy rollercoaster,
Life hasn't dealt me a shitty hand,
But sometimes I wish it did,
And sometimes I don't,

I just have thoughts in my head that shouldn't be there,
But sometimes I want to know what it'd feel like to know pain,
What it's like to feel like you're suffocating,

We can all say we know that feeling
But in truth we don't,
We just have an idea.

If I told you,
You, a normal person
The thoughts that go on in my head
Me, a weird person
You'd think I was crazy

But
Imagine if someone who was at the end of the line,
Who has nothing to live for,
Who prays and wishes for that one thing you have and you probably could care less about,

If they told you their thoughts,
You'd probably say both of us should be locked up in a psychiatric ward,

You'd probably wouldn't want to be 3 feet near us,
You'd see us as crazy,
When in fact we're just different.

I know I'm lucky,
But please don't tell me what I want to hear,
Please don't ask for something I can't give.

Some people I knew read just a fraction of the thoughts that you all see in this book

And they thought I wanted to leave this world

When in reality I just needed an escape,

I wanted to stop feeling these rush of deadly emotions that I knew would lead me to do something I didn't want to.

They thought something was wrong with me,

No.

I'm just different from you,

And some of the things you hold as a prize I really don't give a shit about.

But I'm sorry,
Forgive my foul language,
But its the truth.

Don't tell me what will work for me just because it works for you,
Don't tell me what I want to hear,
Don't ask me for something I can't give,

Don't ask me to give you the world when I don't even know what the world is,

But this is just an abridged 500 word-ish version of the thoughts in my head.

Don't tell me things I don't want to hear,
And don't tell me things I want to hear,
You're probably confused.

It is what it is,
But maybe sometimes it isn't.

Have you ever felt like you're floating outside your body
And you're looking down at your body and you don't like what you see?

Have you?

I haven't cause those words aren't mine,
I heard someone say them,

But I've felt something similar,

I've felt like my life is a play,
And someone else is playing me,
And I don't like what I'm seeing.

I don't want you to see me,
The real me,

And that's a part I don't want any of you to see.
And hopefully you won't.

Sigh.

I just need a clean slate.

And hopefully,
Soon,
I'll get it