Coffee

Part Thirteen: Bad Hand Dealt

Pulling on the short white hospital gown, I tie it in the back and hop up on the exam table.

Today's the day.

How many eggs do I have since my last cycle. Last cycle I had 10- I'm hoping this time, I have more. I need more viable eggs if I'm going to have a baby. We started a month ago with IVF and last month they said I should wait another cycle in hopes of bringing up my egg count. Laying back onto the table, I stare at the ceiling and feel my insides quiver with nerves. Last night with Max was anything but romantic. My jealous side got the best of me and I hate that about myself. I shouldn't have thought of him the way I had- that he was just using me as a pawn in a sick and twisted game to be alright with his divorce. I should have known that sweet boy Max actually cared about me. I mean, he says it quite often in little ways. So why would last night have been any different?

"Helen! It's that time again. How are we feeling today?" Cheryl asks as she comes in the room.

"Great! Excited!" I say and she looks at me suspiciously.

"Alright- I'm gonna ask- what or who's gotten into you?" She raises her eyebrow and I laugh slightly.

"Nothing...I'm just feeling confident."

"So no one?"

"Well...there is someone." I say and now both her eyebrows are raised.

"Really? And have you two...done the old two step?"

"Once."

"And was there any contraceptive involved?"

"I mean...there was, but...but it broke so..."

"Helen, I'm glad that you're feeling good today and I'm glad you have someone again who's bringing this about. But you still need to be careful and..." she goes to scold me and I roll my eyes.

"I know. I know. It's not like we planned on the condom breaking- it just sort of happened. Besides, isn't the point of all this to get me pregnant?" Shaking her head, she sets up her internal transducer- applying lube and getting the monitor adjusted.

"It is- but I still have to be involved. It's not going to go smooth as silk without a little help. Now, knees up." She says and I raise my knees on the table and she inserts the phallus shaped transducer into my sex and we look at the screen. On the off chance there is a baby, I'm ready and prepared to tell Max- even though, he's already having a baby with Georgia and therefore would probably not really be looking forward to a second one. But there's still hope. "Alright...let me see here."

She hmms and ahhhs as she slightly twists the transducer and remarks the screen. It pinched slightly and is rather awkward: even from a doctor's point of view.

She slowly pulls out the transducer and starts wiping it down.

"Hmm, not good. Five eggs, maybe six in play this cycle. Ten is considered normal." She says and I slowly sit up.

"They'll catch up. There's still a few weeks left in my cycle."

"In theory yes, but..."

"I've always been a late bloomer. School, my chest- men...." That's right. Keep it positive. We're doing this. "These eggs will come around."

She looks at me and doesn't seem hopeful.

"Helen, you said you wanted to see where your fertility was and...well here it is your FHS is high..." The tears start preparing to drop. "Your AMH is low because your ovaries are aging at a rapid rate.

The dam breaks. I can't do this.

"You have diminished ovarian reserves, which..."
The tears come down fast and I can barely stand myself right now. Moving quickly, she grabs me a tissue and hands it to me. I slowly get off the table to hens into the bathroom to hide. "Hey, it was just the genes you were dealt."