Coffee

Part Ninety-Three: Some Truth

Silence fills the room and both men stare at me.

"Why? Why do you run, Helen?" Max asks again, only this time he isn't yelling. He's somber and concerned. "Last night was the first in a long time that I've felt close to you. Like we were in the beginning. It sucked that it had to be forced- but if that's what it takes to love you- then I'll force it."

"Helen...." Iggy begins. "Having listened to everything- from your side of it- I have a few questions I would like answers too. Okay? Can you do that for me?"

I stare between them and I feel trapped. Scoffing I stand up and go to leave the room, but Max gets to the door before me and holds the handle tight.

"This is what I'm talking about! You're running away, again. You ran away last night when I asked if you found a reason to stay. I don't understand."

"BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO UNDERSTAND, MAX!" I yell and try to move passed him and he refuses to budge.

"Helen, from what I know about you, your past relationships were all abusive and demeaning. This one with Max, thinking about all ups and downs of it- you seem to be the one to pull away first. I'm not placing blame- I'm simply stating that you pushed him to Lauren. You willingly kept the fact you two were dating from your childhood friend so something could possibly happen. You have kept him at arms length only to pull him back in and then shove him away again. It's very bothersome Helen."

"You're absolutely right Iggy. It's all my fault. I cast the blame on Max, but it's me. It's always been me and it will always be me. Now move." I go to budge him out of the way and he wraps his arms around me tightly. "Let go of me! Get off! I don't want you, Max! Just go away!"

He doesn't let go and I become more frustrated.

"Helen- I think you're projecting the feelings of someone who hurt you a very long time ago- onto Max. So who was it? Was it Mo?"

"I'm not projecting! I just want him to let me go so I can go home!"

"Normally I would agree with you, but you need to stay Helen. So who hurt you? Who's in your head? Right now. Because it isn't you. It hasn't been you for a very long time." I'm so angry right now. So frustrated. I'm so...so hurt.

"Let go...please. Just let me go." I ask politely and feel my face getting hot and my eyes welling up.

"Let her go...." Iggy says and Max let's go of me and instead of going to the door, I go back to the couch. They watch me and I curl up on the couch- knees to my chest, arms around my knees. "Helen?"

"I was just a kid. Teenager....14 maybe." They listen and Max slowly softens. "I was a student at St. Augustine's Catholic Church when it happened."

"When what happened?" Ig asks and I sniff back tears.

"It was an all girl's school and I was the only black girl in it. I stuck out like a sore thumb. His name was Alexander Samson, but everyone called him Father Xander. He wasn't much older than us.  About...23-24 maybe. He was cool. He let us chew gum in class- he brought in soda and let us listen to our music in class as we worked. I saw him outside of school once and he seemed normal and fine and polite. He walked me home because at the time all those bombings were happening in the UK. It was harmless....until it wasn't. He had friends in Uni that were Punkers and smoked weed and drank. Instead of walking me home one day, he told me he wanted to take the long way home because he wanted to talk to me a bit more. So he showed me to his friends. The first time I met them, I didn't do anything. I didn't drink or smoke- it wasn't until we started hanging out with them regularly that I started acting out and such. Xander would join in- he wasn't exactly a priest yet- he never took his vows because he was still in Uni. So this one night when he was walking me home, his friend Rachel was way too drunk to even walk straight and we'd all been drinking- but I drank less than the others. So I volunteered to do it. I drove her home in Xander's car- no problems- got the others home and Xander said he'd drive me home. So we switched and he started towards my house, but took this one side road that lead to this valley just outside the city. He told me he had feelings for me and I was so excited because he chose me out of all the other girls- this handsome, cool, sweet guy who liked me."