Coffee

Part Forty-Four: Hard Road Ahead

After we spent our quiet time in the cafeteria, Iggy walked me home. The cold November air filled with snowflakes and a cold breeze. He didn't say anything to me after I told him I could live without Max.

A lie I will need to continue to drive into my brain as long as I live.

He will be better without me.

I will only ever hurt him.

I don't want too.

But that's how it goes.

As the whirling wind whips around us, I walk at a slow uneven pace as Iggy meanders beside me- watching the traffic of the mid afternoon rush pass. His hair is fraying significantly and his beard thicker than before. Around his eyes, crows feet from years of stress have formed. Iggy feels for everyone. He stresses for everyone. He does all he can to mend broken hearts and fix shattered souls.

But he can't fix me.

I've been broken for too many years. There's no changing me now and he sadly knows that. Sure, he can guide me. Inform me of certain things I should be aware of, but he can't fix me.

Walking up my steps, I take out my keys and linger for a few moments. Contemplating if I should invite Iggy inside my home. Very few people have ever been inside my personal space. Only Lauren and Max has graced its presence several times.

"Do you want to come in? You can tell me how my throw pillow choices are impacted by my inability to open up to people." I joke, but he doesn't laugh.

"Helen, you joke about these things and lie about your true feelings to cover up the fact that you want help. And even though you have asked for it- and I am more than happily to help- you have to actually want help and right now...I don't think you do."  Looking at him, he's upset because he knows he's right. My eyes shift downward and my heart slows down. "It's gonna be a long hard road for you. I want nothing more than to support you and help you through it- but at the same time, I honestly don't know if it'll do any good. Take a few days off- away from the Dam- think about what you truly want and if it isn't help to get better- then I'm sorry I can't help you."

He walks back off towards the Dam and my heart just sinks. Unlocking my door, I enter and find the silence of it all overwhelming. It seems dull and bleak. Going into the kitchen, I set my stuff down and look out my back door. Snow has started to cover my grab and bushes and birds sit at my bird feeder and bird bath- happily chirping and fluttering along. A cardinal sits on my picnic table and looks at me.

"What do you want, Mo? Laughing at how miserable I've become?" The bird tilts its head to the side and hops closer to the door. "You could've broke the cycle you know? You were so close to perfect. Why'd you have to go a ruin it?"

The cardinal hops a bit closer and I shake my head.

"I loved you. I stayed with you and prayed for you to just come to light and realize you were in control of yourself. You were so good at your job. You were so loving and charismatic and I loved you....why did you have to drink? Why did you have to hurt me? You said you loved me and then you went and destroyed everything in me. Any hope and love and strength I had- you murdered when you eat me and choked me and raped me and yelled. You left me with nothing but anguish and self loathing. You left me to believe that I am nothing to everyone and that it's only a matter of time before I lose it all. How could you?" The bird looks at me a bit more and then flies into my back door- hitting it hard before fluttering off. Shaking my head, I turn and go to head to my den, but instead, I open the basement door. The darkness and cool air escapes up into the house and I flick on the light. The downstairs lights up and I take a deep breath before heading down the steps lowly. With each step a familiar creak speaks to me. The carpeted steps cushion my bare toes as I turn down the last three and feast my gaze upon Mohammads untouched domain.