Coffee

Part 111: Starting Over

"Dada!"

....

"Dada!!!"

....

Getting up, I move off of Max and go to the bedroom, where Luna is crying. My whole body hurts horribly from last night.

I asked for it though.

Didn't I?

I pushed Max to give me what I demanded and he begrudgingly did so.

"Good morning, my Munchkin." I quietly say as I scoop Luna up out of the crib. "Do you need a new nappie?"

She tiredly clings to me and I take her to Max's bed- where I set her down and then grab a diaper and wipes. Removing her jammies, I remove her used diaper, clean her up and then put a new one on.

"What should we wear today?" I ask and Luna rolls over and starts crawling to the other side of the bed near the drawers and points at them. Opening up the top drawer, there is a green t-shirt with Tinkerbell on it. "You want this one?"

"Yeah!" I grab it and then open the next drawer to find bottoms. After digging for a few seconds, I find a green tutu attached to yellow leggings.

"Alright- baby girl. Let's get you dressed." I get the shirt on her no problem. It's the pants that she kicks and tries to crawl away with as I have them half on her body. "Oh you little stinker...come here."

"She hates pants." Max says as he watches me finally get my hands on the little girl and finish getting the pants up.

"Why?"

"Beats me. It's a fight everyday." He comes in and kisses Luna in her forehead before pulling me close and kissing me. "Hospital just called."

"What?! What did they say?! Is Ben..."

"He's perfectly fine. Slept through the whole night and is up eating some banana pear baby food and drinking apple juice." Sighing heavily, I close my eyes and thank God he's okay.

"Thank God." I say and hobble to his closet to find something reasonable I can wear. As I skim his closet, I catch his morose face watching me. I pull out his Motörhead t-shirt and a pair of his white basketball shorts. Turning around to laugh at my choice, he's slumped on the bed agonizingly scolding himself quietly. I go to him, and lean into his front. "Max, stop. I'm fine."

"You're not fine! Helen. None of this is fine!" He blows up and Luna crawls under the blankets. He's angry. His medicine has that side effect, along with irritability, mood changes, and psychological changes. "I shouldn't have done that last night! I shouldn't have allowed you to make me so angry! I should have had better control. I'm just like every other boyfriend you've had. I hurt you! I hurt you terribly and for what?! Now you can barely walk or sit! You can't go out like that! People will know someone hurt you! Christ! The neighbors probably heard you last night! They know! It's only a matter of time until to cops come to check on everything! Nothing is fine!"

He yells and panics and all I can do is stand here and wait patiently for him to calm down.

"You done?" I ask and he heaves heavy breaths. When he doesn't answer, I grab him by his chin and make him look at me. "As far as anyone is concerned- what we do behind closed doors is none of their business. I consented and asked for everything you did last night and I accept it now. As I see it Max: you have two options. Suck it up, swallow your pride, and accept that it made you feel better and move on. Or be forced to do it again and again until your guilt fades away- because I asked for it."

He looks between my eyes and his are glassy as they were last night.

"I...I didn't want to...hur...hurt you..." He cries and I pull him into my chest.