Coffee

Part Forty-Three: Not Simple

I stare at Iggy and feel my world as I knew it to be shrunk down and placed in a singular box.

Here, I've always just believed to be complex and sure of my actions as what they were.

But.

Now I realize that every choice I've ever made since freshman year at Cambridge has been because I simply am a weak easily target person and because of that weakness, I run to avoid all social/intimate situations.

"Helen? Are you alright?" I feel like an idiot. Hearing this Iggy- a professional psychologist call me out on all my shit in the matter of a hour is more than embarrassing. "Helen..."

"There you have it, Ig. Pathetic, weak, stupid me and how I hide behind the face of a strong fierce wannabe loser- who has no business in being here."

"Helen, I don't see that at all. You're not weak or pathetic or stupid. You're definitely not a loser. Considering all you've over come- you are honestly by far the strongest, fiercest, bravest woman I know." Rolling my eyes I recross my legs and look at my wall of accomplishments and pictures with famous people. "Do you realize you roll your eyes when someone compliments you and/or talks about you in anyway?"

"I do not."

"You also roll them when you feel threatened." I go to roll them again and stop myself. "See, just there. You were going to do it again. Did you know, that eye rolling is a passive aggressive way to respond to an undesired situation or person. It's also a way to dismiss a targeted person without physically touching them. You do it a lot. Which tends to lead me to believe that the topic of yourself-to you- is undesirable. And you roll your eyes to more or less confirm to the other person that you wish they'd drop the conversation."

"Maybe I'm just rude like that and it's a way to show disrespect." I counter and he shakes his head.

"No, because you have never been one to be rude. Although, lately with Akash Panthaki, you have been very blunt and outwardly attacking in many instances. Hostility and irritability is another common sign of PTSD." I look down and bite my inner cheek. He's just batting 100 today.

"He had been flirting with me even after I told him I was dating Max. He originally blackmailed me for a spot in his trial for Max- if I didn't agree to a date- he wouldn't accept him. I simply told him off and said it was unprofessional."

"Yes, and that makes sense to me. But Max overheard you the other day in the hall. Akash has noticed you were stressed and offered to listen to your problems while walking around the Dam- knowing full well that if you went outside it and Max found out there'd be a possibility of jealousy. Instead of nicely disengaging- you bit his head off and insulted him- while also physically pushing him away- not hard, but just enough to show you weren't messing around."

"So?"

"You also more or less accosted the building manager that Mr. Davys lived in. Shoving him several times into the rig and putting your finger in between his eyes and pressing there while you threatened him." Fuck. What else will he bring up? "You say you don't put your hands on people because violence is unnecessary, but right there are examples of violence you have portrayed in public spaces."

Tears start walking up and I'm frustrated and upset because I don't know how to defend my actions. I don't know how to change Iggy's thoughts about me.

"Why are you upset?" I shake my head and look away as my tears drip down my cheeks.

"Because I'm not in control...of any of it...because for so long...for so long I've always felt I've had to be tough and strong so maybe people wouldn't..." I can't finish my sentence.