Coffee

Part Ninety: Fight or Flight

Getting inside my house after helping Max carry the stroller up the steps, I do my normal routine of taking my shoes off, putting my purse on the hallway table, placing my jacket on the rack, and letting the dogs outside-then finally filling their dishes with food and water for the night.

All this time, Max has quietly stood on the edge of the living room carpet after laying Luna in the spare bedroom as usual. After letting the dogs in, I turn and look at Max. He still has the concerned look on his face and his eyes are dull and grey.

"Alright. You wanted to talk- talk." I quietly and calmly say- my arms starting to cross- until I remember what Iggy said. He's really been in my head with that whole body language thing. He takes a step closer and I put my hand up to stop him. "There's good enough."

He swallows and looks down sorrowfully. Whatever's on his mind is going to be poetic no doubt and he's going to use his charisma to persuade me into feeling different for him.

"Tonight...huh..." He shakes his head- planning his monologue carefully no doubt. "You were right when you said I only wanted to get better for Georgia."

"Well...there we have it. The truth finally." I say and I go to walk away and he keeps talking as I grab a bottle of wine from my fridge and then a glass from the cupboard.

"I've never lied to you Helen."

"Really? Because I think saying 'I love you'- is the biggest lie you've thoroughly repeated. Did you know  besides one other person- I've never used those words? They're sacred to me. They aren't to be thrown around because you want something or you're bored." I snap as I pour the wine into my glass. "When I said those words to you- I meant them whole heartedly. I wanted to tell you, because you meant that much to me."

"Helen, I do love you."

"Stop. Just stop, Max. Whatever lines you thought up- whatever overly charming and sweet words you've concocted to win my heart back- are never gonna be enough to make me believe a single thing you say." I put the bottle back in the fridge and sip the wine. His eyes watch me and he seems stuck. "I'm so pissed off at myself for being so stupid in..."

"Stop!" He yells slightly and then covers his mouth. It startled me and the dogs get up and come over towards me and lay on my feet. I stare at him and for a while he says nothing. He just breathes heavily. "Stop calling yourself stupid and dumb and naive- all of it. Just stop."

My lips part. So that's why he was telling me to stop in my office. Not to shut me up- but to stop the demeaning words used against myself.

"Helen, you're not any of those things. You are smart and beautiful and amazing and so much more. Those  words are not your own. They're not. It makes me sick hearing you use them in that manner. Tonight....tonight I saw all of them- dog piling you and suffocating you. Then in the basement- that...that challenging plea for Jackie to do you in..."

He stops, shakes his head and tries to calm his squeaking voice of despair and concern. His eyes welling with tears-near to breaking.

"I'm sick..." He barely gets out and can't look at me as he tries to stop himself from breaking down. After composing himself- just slightly- his voice deepens back to normal, but cracks a bit here and there. "I'm sick with the fear that you meant that. That you would rather be...be de...de..."

He can't bring himself to say it. His tears getting bigger and trying to roll down his cheeks, but he doesn't blink. Doesn't allow them to leave his eyes.

"That you would rather not be here instead of being around me... you would rather...d...die...." When he says it, he breaks. Tears stream down his face, he chokes on tears and gasps for air to stop them. I've seen him break down before- but this is like no other. "Pl...please...please tell me...you didn't mean it. Please...tell me you don't want to..."