Coffee

Part 108: Scared

I sit with my head down as I wait for Max to return.

My body shakes, I feel sick, and I just want to give him back all I stole.

I wish he never met me- so he'd never end up hurt.

I wish he hated me enough to find a reason to move on and be happy.

I wish he would yell and scream in my face- hit me, shove me: something to relieve himself of the pain he feels.

After a few moments, he reappears and comes back to the table. He pours himself some espresso and glances down at Ben.

Does he know Ben isn't mine?

There'd be no way of him being Max's. Then again- timelines don't add up anyway for Ben to biologically be mine.

I place both set of plates in between us and he just looks at it.

"You can have first pick..." I weakly say- the hope of sounding a bit cheery is absent from my vocal range.

"I'm not hungry..." Nodding my head, my lips twitch between a smile and a frown- trying to accept his response.

"No, matter...you can take both home with you for when you are." My eyes water and my voice breaks.

"Seriously, I don't want any." Breathing heavily through my nose, I try to encourage my tears to dry in my eyes instead of fall, but with every moment shared with him- my tears grow bigger and blue my vision. They leave me no choice but to blink them away. Streaming down my face, they drop to my leopard skirt and all I hear is.

I don't want you.

My words heavy in my own ears. My stomach twists and I'm going to be sick. Wiping my eyes, I stand up, pull pounds from my small wristlet and pay way more than was needed. I unlock the stroller and I leave the cafe- leaving Max behind with it. I get half way down the street and stop at a bench.

I'm running away again.

Damn it!

I can't stop hurting him.

Dropping to the bench- I sob quietly into my cupped hand and hold myself across my torso with the other. Leaning forward and rocking, I try so hard to stop crying, but I can't. I've ruined the only man who's ever truly loved me. I've hurt him beyond repair and have taken away any trust that was between us. After a few seconds of sobbing, I hear shuffling feet and plastic on the pavement coming towards me. When I open my eyes, black sneakers are in my view and following them up, I find Max looking down at me, wagon handle in one hand and to go boxes in another. Setting the boxes on the bench of the stroller, he sits beside me and says nothing. He doesn't look at me and I don't look at him. After a few seconds though, his right arm comes around my shoulder and he pulls me into his side. Tears pull harder from my eyes and a big gasping sob comes out of my mouth as I push my face into the crook of his neck. I hear people passing and know they are respectfully looking away from the situation.

After about ten or fifteen minutes of this embarrassment, Max leaves go of me and stands up. Leaving me on the bench alone. He starts down the walk away from me- no words. No touches. No sounds- he just walks away. He gets about ten yards from me, when he turns and looks at me still crying on the bench. He turns away and I go back to balling my eyes out. Hunkered over myself, I try to quiet my tears. I feel like dying- if it didn't mean abandoning Ben and Sophie. After a few moments, a hand comes down and grabs mine. I jolt up to look at the stranger holding my hand- only to find Max sadly looking at me- mouth closed and sad eyes. He nods to come on and I slowly stand up. He let's go and nods to the stroller.

Taking it, I follow him. Every so often, he looks back to see if I'm following him. Silence is still thick between us and nothing takes that sick feeling from my stomach, but he continues to look back and I continue to follow. We stop in front of a semidetached white brick, three story home and he unlocks the door. Holding it open, I go inside and he comes in with Luna, parks the wagon, closes the door and points forward to the door at the end of the hall and to the left. I go down and he hands me the key to open the door. When I do, I step inside to a small sad flat that has a bedroom and a bathroom and a small living area and kitchen with appliances. It's not a bad space; definitely better than his first apartment I was at, where he had one chair and a bed on the floor. I hand him his keys and he sets them on the counter. Scooping up Luna, he carries her into the small bedroom and lays her on the full size bed. Coming back, he unclips Ben's harness and carefully does the same, only putting him on the wall side and constructing a small fort of blankets and pillows so neither child falls off.