Ashes of a Madman

Chapter 12 - A Friend and a Faux Pas

Bruises pocked my brother's body. His feet, his joints, everything was black and blue. Dressed as a harbinger of my brother's death, I sat at his bedside. He laid in silence most of the day. No one knew quite what to say in the face of this double blow.

"Oh dear God," Philip groaned upon my return to their London home.

"What is it?" I came to his side.

"You! You are all in black. What has happened?" His thin face and bulging eyes nearly frightened me.

"Geoff did not return from Africa alive." His head fell back onto his pillow.

"Bad luck. If a man of his strength dies, what of me?" Philip, too conscious of his own soul leaving its mortal coil, offered neither solace nor censure, which usually accompanied any discussion involving Geoff.

The only remedy I could offer was a good book and sunlit reminisces. So I opened to his favorite myth of Diana and Endymion, which he never tired of hearing. I believed he had every version of the story or the poem in every language in which it had been translated. I wondered if those words were all he understood of some languages. He even allowed me to regale him with the story told in the Bantu tongue and then in the Efe Pygmy tongue. Speaking those languages here where I was safe made me feel stronger. And once I finished the story, I continued speaking in Bantu, telling his unknowing ears about Karago and Kimguva, about Kondabate and Yetu and what I had learned of sisterhood. If he guessed that I talked about my pain the only way I could, he did not push me for answers. He did not know what I said, but it seemed an antidote for his pain and a sedative that eased him to sleep. I think it had done the same the same for me.

"At this stage I have little I can give him," Dr. Glentyre confided. Moira had been asking for more pills, different pills, perhaps a new diet.

"Can you tell how long he has left?" I hated that question.

"Now that you are returned from Warwickshire, it could be any day. I was a little surprised that he was able to hold out this long. And you? How are you doing? I have watched you grow up, Rebecca. I see that you have lost your two great strongholds in so little time. What can I do for you?"

"Wake me from this black dream." I exhaled and felt that I had not had the ability to control anything in so long. "I don't know. Let it be over quickly."

"Lady Ramsay, Mr. Ingram is here to see you." Moira made the introduction. I glanced at Dr. Glentyre who smiled in return.

"Sh-show him in." I shrugged. I was so unsure of how I should treat Philip's wife. She still behaved as a servant girl.

"He wishes to see you privately," Moira continued.

"If you will excuse me," I stood.

"I really must be going anyway. If you require anything, please call for me." He took my hands in his. Slightly wrinkled, strong, paternal hands. I felt like hugging him at that moment. If Moira was not a reminder of inappropriate behavior, I may have done. Charles and Dr. Glentyre exchanged handshakes and brief information on Philip's condition and passed each other by. Charles closed the door behind him. I commanded my hands and feet not to fidget. His confession of love made me profoundly anxious of being alone with him.

He took several long, quick strides across the room and held me close as he pressed his mouth against mine. I did not fight him. I dared not increase the melodrama that seemed to attract him. Perhaps a small part of me desired an act of tenderness in my sunburned world. But it would be wrong to take advantage of his affection, or passion as the case may be. When he released me I began to ponder the consequences of my next words. If I rejected him, I would lose my only male ally. And in my circumstances, I desperately needed one. I needed him to find this Robert Duchatel. I needed him to connect me with the life I once knew. I needed his friendship, not his love. If I gave him a set down now, I would crush his spirits and I would lose everything I sought in him. Yet I could not lead him on. How do you strike the balance? How do you choose the words?