тнє вσσк σƒ яαη∂σм ѕ*** [long break]

Situational Humor

Summary: Jokes on
situations. Nothing else.
Some of these jokes aren't
mine.

•=o=O=o=•

   A knight and a golfer were at a golf course. The former was looking around for potential danger, while the latter was busy reading the wind.

   "Why did you hire me, anyway?" The knight asked, "It seems there's not much to protect you from." The golfer sighed.

   "There was a rumor that this course is near a cemetery and a wolf den. I'm not going to play by myself," he answered. The knight rolled his eyes and continued standing on guard.

   The golfer swung. The ball flew, but missed short of target.

   "F***! I missed–" The golfer swore. The knight, exasperated, covered the golfer's mouth.

   "What are you doing?" The knight scolded, "Don't you know that swearing is illegal in this country? The king's informants are out at this time, and they'll report you after the third offense!" He huffed. "Be careful next time!"

   "Fine," the golfer said. They went to the next hole and started again. Unfortunately for the golfer, his luck wasn't so good, and he missed. Again.

   "S***! I missed–" He was cut off by the knight's hand. The knight was angry.

   "Stop swearing! Didn't you know that the king is a really good archer? He'll take you down in one shot if you're not aware! And all he needs to know is your location alone!" The knight chastised.

   "Fine." The golfer and the knight finished the hole and moved on to the next one. And then...

   "F***! I f***ing missed!" The golfer was furious. The knight silenced him with a shush.

   "Oh, no. You're dead." The knight heard rustling in the bushes nearby. "You've done it! The informants are on their way to the castle now! See what happens!"

   A few seconds passed, with the golfer and the knight arguing. An arrow is now on it's way to them, and the knight (not the golfer) is shot dead.

   The golfer was surprised.

   Meanwhile, the king saw that he killed his trusty knight. As a result, he said, "F***, I missed."

•=o=O=o=•

   A taxi driver was waiting inside a cab, looking for any passengers willing to give his services to. Suddenly, a woman entered his taxi, literally naked.

   The woman had nothing on, and didn't carry anything with her to cover her nudity.

   The taxi driver stared at her through the back-view mirror in confusion. This was the first time that he ever saw his passengers without anything to cover themselves with, so he didn't know what to do in that situation.

   The woman sighed. "So, aren't you gonna take me somewhere?" It snapped the taxi driver out of his gaze, and he nodded.

   "Oh, yes. Where to?" he asked. The woman smiled.

   "To the subway, please." He nodded, confused. The woman saw his face and rolled her eyes.

   "What? You've never seen a woman naked in public before?" she asked judgementally.

   "No, it's not that," the driver answered, turning right in an intersection. "I was just wondering where you put your money, since you have nothing on you."

•=o=O=o=•

   A little girl came home from school, contemplating on what she learned. She went to her mother, who was busy washing the dishes.

   "Mommy, I have a question!" The girl beamed. The mother stopped for a while and turned to her little angel.

   The mother smiled. "What is it?" she asked. The little girl laughed.

   "How did humanity start?" the girl asked. The mother was a little taken aback, but immediately gained back her composure.

   "Well," she started, "God, a very powerful Being, created the earth. Then, He created a man named Adam, and a woman named Eve, and from there, humanity started."

   The little girl, although not understanding everything, got the gist of it. She contemplated on her mother's answer, and decided to ask her father the same question.

   "Well, according to Charles Darwin," he started, "there were apes that evolved for millions of years, and and they turned to humans after that."

   The little girl was confused. Unsatisfied with the mixed answer, she goes to her mother, saying, "Mommy? I'm confused."

   The mother turned to her. "Why is that?"

   "You said that humans were created by God, but Daddy said that we evolved from monkeys," the girl answered. The mother smiled and answered.

   "That's because I told you about my side of the story, and your father told you his."

•=o=O=o=•

   "We saw, we conquered, we came."

   —MrButterFingerz