The things I'd like to say

Fear

I wake up with fear in my bed thanking me for the night it had by just feeding off my doubts and darkness.

I disgrace myself for letting it in.
I shame myself for not being strong to keep it out.
I like that it's always there like a loyal friend I never had,
Then I berate myself for liking that.
I wish that death would be option,
but then I'd just be another of the many who say names and words don't hurt,
when they cut into me deeper than the cut on my arm.

I wonder when it would get tired of me and move on,
but then I'd lose another friend and I'd be alone with the depression and doubt.
I wonder if I am the only one growing up with this,
If someone else shares the same friends as me.
I'd comfort them but leave myself last like always,
I never cared about myself anyways.

When people started to say I was cute but my stone cold expression and dead eyes ruined it,
I'd say 'thank you' give myself cuts.
I am a cutter but not a physical cutter,
just emotional and mental cuts so no one sees the pain I endure.
And when I open up to someone they pity me but don't do anything.
Adults think I am just like the others in my age group,
So I let them believe that while I push myself forward with no intention to live,
Why live a happy life when they'll just stomp on it and laugh about it later?

Fear is tricking me to let rage take the wheel and sometimes it seduces me and ties me to a chair that isn't the driver's seat and let's rage take it.
I break out of the bonds before rage does anything like a massacre,
Either with juggling with people's emotions or words making them feel as rotten as me,
they both are starting to become a good tag team.
I doubt I'll have the strength to overcome them when they both do.

I am just biding my time but I was doing it so many times that I forgot why I was doing that in the first place,
was I biding my time for the moment to prove them all wrong?
Or was it that I was biding my time to let rage take it when it was right?
I have no idea,
at first it was to regain patience,
then to find someone to love and remind myself that I'd do it for them,
Only to get played with and move on and realize I am just a tool to make some other guy jealous,
after that it was to heal,
but they rubbed it in my face and gave me more reasons to build walls and be bitter,
then you came the joy I had but fear whispering in my ear telling me the things I already knew,
I ignored it and kept going on with the game, only to find out you used me to find who you really were.

I never recovered and built taller walls with seven times the thickness,
Fear, rage, depression all comforted me I thanked them for that,
even though they bring me down they don't want the fun to end,
and to be honest?
I want to see what else they can do besides bring me down,
they brought me up that was the biggest surprise.
They opened my eyes up and I saw things I never thought would bring me joy.
I started to wander around in the maze of memories and laughed at my childish mistakes,
even though I was only eleven at the time,
I was already a man.