Moonstruck (𝚂𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚘𝚗 𝙾𝚗𝚎)

PTSD 02

𝓙𝓪𝔂𝓼𝓱𝓲𝓮 𝓩𝓲𝓷 𝓥𝓮𝓵𝓪𝓼𝓺𝓾𝓮𝔃

I'm aware that I have post-traumatic stress syndrome. Nakalimutan ko ang lahat ng nangyari noon sa amin ni Hace. Kung paano kami kinidnap at kung paano ako nakaligtas. Basta ang alam ko lang ay ako ang pinagbintangang pumatay kay Hace. Hindi ko na-defend ang sarili ko noon dahil bukod sa bata pa ako noon ay wala talaga akong maalala. I don't have any evidence, and I'm not allowed to be a witness because of my condition.

Sometimes, I questioned myself about whether I really did such a thing and just forgot about it. Nagdududa ako sa sarili ko. I trust myself, but sometimes I doubt it. I don't know. It's hella confusing. Kaya ba nila ako pinagbibintangang serial killer? It's a common logic for us na kapag galing ka sa mental asylum ay capable kang kumitil ng buhay ng mga pathetic unknown species.

Why do unknown species have to be that stupid and pathetic? They are being insensitive and close-minded. Hindi naman namin ginusto 'to. We, PTSD, EID, BPD, HPD, sociopaths, etcetera, were made. We are made by those pathetic species who manipulate our situation and weaknesses. They caused us great damage by inflicting and playing with our emotions. I was wrongfully diagnosed as a sociopath before. I displayed all of the symptoms of a sociopath, but experts later argued and confirmed that I was not one.

I feel emotions. I can feel empathy and remorse not only when I perform wrong deeds. I can put my shoe on others. Kumbaga ay mababaw ang emosyon ko so I tend to pretend that I don't care at all, so pathetic species won't take advantage of my weaknesses.

Ayokong nasasamantala ako so I chose to be alone and not so friendly. I can live without them, friends. I'm independent on my own. Having pathetic friends makes me weak and dependent. They affect my emotions a lot. Hindi ko kayang kontrolin ang emotions ko. Mas malakas siya sa akin. Kahit sabihin kong wala akong pake, my emotions are battling with me.

"Jayshie, I'm talking to you. You're spacing out. May problema ba? Care to tell?" Doc Bethel inquired, as if he's worried. He's a psychiatrist, and of course, he's good and an expert at handling emotions and behaviours. That's his job, though. Now, I'm asking myself if he's really worried and if he meant it. I hate pretenders a lot. However, I can feel the sincerity in his voice as his eyes glisten oddly; it seems like he cares about my being.

"Jayshie, walang mangyayari kung hindi mo sasabihin. He's here to help you. Para naman sa ikabubuti mo 'to. Cooperate, please," pagsusumamo ni Deputy Hanzo. Bigla tuloy akong nainis sa kaniya. Dapat si Mama ang nandito at hindi siya.

I heaved a sigh and played with my fingers, pretending that I didn't hear anything. Wala rin naman akong masasabi dahil wala nga akong maalala. Bakit ba hindi sila makaintindi? Sarap nilang sasakin ng pencil sa lungs.

"Bruh, wala nga akong maalala diba? Anong sasabihin ko?" I queried, trying to be patient.

"How about school? Magkwento ka tungkol sa mga kaibigan mo," he spoke. I know he's trying his best to communicate with me, but I don't feel like talking to them. Mas gusto ko pang mapanis ang laway ko kaysa kausapin ko sila.

Our attention is diverted to the door when it makes a thud. Mabilis na nag-slide ang pinto pakanan at tumambad ang mga lalaking naka-uniform ng police. Anong ginagawa nila dito? Kukunin ba nila ako? Fudge! Napatayo ako at umatras. Mahigpit akong humawak sa rod ng hospital bed.

They formed a circle; there are about four cops, as if I'm going to run. Seriously? They are freaking stupid! Like, hello? Nakaposas kaya ako.

Natatakot akong nagtago sa likod ni Doc Bethel at Deputy Hanzo. Ayokong makulong. Nanginginig ang buong kalamnan ko, kinakabahan sa susunod na mangyayari. My legs were trembling kaya kumapit ako sa lab coat ni Doc Bethel. Namamawis ang kamay kong nanginginig na rin.