I looked out of my window as bright sunshine shone through it making me wince, I looked down at the angry red scars from last night and was disgusted with myself for doing it to myself yet again. I was so strong and certain I wouldnt do it again but here they are, I kicked a few empty bottles across my room before having a shower and finding clothes. I settled for my striped long sleeve top and black jeans, urgh I felt so shit right now .
I swallowed 2 asprin and drunk some water as everyone slowly woke up, "wow nice to see you up early" monte said. "Yeah well we have a concert to do!" I said faking a smile, "yep have you had breakfast?" she asked. "Erm yeah" I answered, "ok then thats good hows your head" she said leaning on the counter next to me while adam and monte chatted. "Banging but its cool I took some asprin" I replied, "have you and adam sorted your shit out yet?" she questioned boiling the kettle.
"Nope he only wants sauli now im just an inconvenience to him, kind of sucks but there you go" I said sadly. "Yeah right I know he sill cares about you sauli is a prize dickhead he'll see that sooner or later and then he will need you" she said nudging me. "Yeah well I might not be here when he decides" I answered, "why you arent leaving are you?" she said almost spilling the water.
"Im undecided about that ashley maybe it will be for the best all I seem to do is keep messing up" I told her. "Everyone makes mistakes you know" she answered, "yeah well like I said in undecided please dont tell him ok" I said. "Promise" she told me, "cool" I replied sipping my water.
Later that afternoon..
The atmosphere here was so thick you could cut it with a knife, we were all sitting round the table eating lunch and noone was speaking. I pushed my chair away fromt he table as they all stared at me, "im going for some air its so awkward in here" I said strolling away. I left the concert hall and walked into the street, I leant against the wall as everyone passed by. Maybe I really should leave like I said to ashley, maybe I can at least get my head straight.
I watched as a blonde figure with steely grey eyes approached the hall, "ratliff" he said as I gritted my teeth. "Sauli how nice to see you adams inside if you want him" I said politely as he smirked. "Asshole" I muttered under my breath once he was gone, I pulled a small metal canister from my pocket and took a sip. I pulled a face as I swallowed the liquid that was burning my throat as I tipped it away, thats actually nasty.
I pulled my phone from my pocket and unlocked it, it was literally held together by sellotape wow I really broke that. Scrolling through my twitter feed there were loads of picture of me and adam, it was labelled adommy I mean what the heck? It was kind of cute dont get me wrong but seeing me and adam together that way was like being punched repeatedly in the stomach.
I shoved it back in my pocket and headed inside, adam and sauli were making out with each other. Ew thats so gross, I rolled my eyes and walked away as tears threatened. Why can he be happy but I cant, thats it ive made up my mind after tonights show im leaving. I dont know where to go but im so out of here, theres only 2 more shows left on the tour anyway after tonight then we are taking a break and retouring finland and stuff.
As the afternoon became night we were all getting ready for the concert, adam was doing his eyeliner occasionally meeting my gaze. I looked away and concentrated on trying to not show what a mess I had become, makeup has its perks. I pulled my sleeves down more and straightened my tie, once everyone was done we all headed to the stage.
It seemed to drag on and on as I played my guitar whole thinking of places I could go, soon the interval came and everyone went to change their outfits. I walked into the dressing room and saw adam sorting his hair as the door shut, I tried to open it but something stopped it opening. "Are you serious let me out!" I shouted, "nope you two need to talk" ashley yelled back.
"Ashley in not kidding let us out!" adam shouted, "fuck this" I muttered moving away from the door and sitting on the chair. "Well this is awkward" adam said sitting on the floor by the dressing table, "youre telling me I am so over everything" I commented. "Tommy look this fighting is getting out of hand, we are meant to be friends what the fuck happened" adam said looking at me. "I messed up again I guess, like I always do" I sighed.
"No tommy we both did" he told me, "maybe but its ok you wont need to worry about me anymore soon" I said pulling at the door where ashley and monte had gone and werent holding the handle anymore. "Wait why would you say that tommy" he said grabbing my wrist as I winced and tried to pull away, "adam let go please youre hurting" I begged tears springing to my eyes.
"What have you done tommy joe ratliff" he said loosening his grip a little but not letting go, "nothing" I said biting my lip. He reached for my sleeve, "no adam dont" I whispered. He pulled my sleeve up and dropped my hand in shock,"tommy what did you do?!" he hissed. "Fell" I answered holding it to my body, "yeah right I know thats bullshit! You did it didnt you tell me tommy" he said as ashley called us back on stage.
I turned away from him and followed ashley tugging my sleeves back down, adam kept shooting me looks as I kept my eyes pinned to the floor until the concert came to an end. I placed my guitar in the bag andheaded offstage, "tommy wait im not done with you!" adam said following me up the corridor. "Leave me alone adam" I said walking up the street, "no tommy dont you dare walk away from me" he said.
"Tough cause thats exactly what im doing go back to sauli ok he needs you" I said entering the van and packing my stuff. I hid them under my bed and set my alarm before falling asleep.
