"How many times do I need to tell you I cant answer my phone all the damn time! Im busy and from what I hear your busy aswell with emanuel" I yelled. "Emanuel is my antenatal exercisse instructor what the hell is your hangup on him?" ellie yelled back. "My hangup excuse me, lunch dates and films ive seen it on you damn facebook!" I said. "Oh get over yourself tommy, I barely hear from you anymore we are having a baby together and besides you seem to be getting pretty damn cosy with adam im so done with your insecurites tommy!" she shouted.
"My insecurities?! Ive seen the proof!" I told her, "whatever you need to sort out whats going on in your head or I dont see much point in continuing this relationship" she shouted putting the phone down on me. "Fuck this shit!" I said throwing my phone across the room as I heard it crack, brilliant another thing ive fucked up. I reached for the vodka bottle next to me and took a swig of it, I need to get out of here like now.
I picked up my leather jacket and stormed through the front room to the door, "where are you going?" ashley asked. "Out" I replied slamming the door behind me, I walked into the cold night and through the park. Me insecure no shes the one sleeping about this is bullshit, Im so angry right now I want to smash something anything in my reach. The closest thing was a brick wall as I reached out and punched it repeatedly, blood trickled from my knuckles as I slid to the floor grabbing my hair as angry tears streamed down my face.
We've been on tour for just over 3 months now, me and ellie well you can see thats going well. I just cant get my head straight, theres so many thoughts going through my mind. It all started when adam kissed me, damn him with his sexiness and good kissing skills making me doubt everything ive ever known. Hes not really talking to me now, sauli is back on the scene I told him hes an idiot for taking him back but hey what can you do another royal fuckup for tommy joe ratliff.
It doesnt matter how much I shout and drink it doesnt help with these feelings, I traced the faint scars down my arms and shook my head. No you've not done that in 3 years you dont need to start again, I pulled my sleeves down and swallowed the last of the bottle before throwing it to the ground. "Drink I need more drink" I said aloud as I stumbled up and made my way across the park to a shop.
I picked up a large bottle of vodka and paid for it as I sat down on a park bench, I unscrewed the top and went to drink it but stopped myself. We have another show tomorrow I can be hungover for that, enough is enough for tonight. I put the lid on and stumbled back to the bus, I hid the bottle underneath it and walked inside. "Youre back then" ashley said looking me up and down then walking over, "whats that in your hair?" she asked. "Nothing" I said hiding my hands in my pockets, "its blood did you cut your head?" she asked.
"Nope, I tripped and scraped my knuckles thats all must have moved my hair and put it there" I said shrugging. "Show me" she said as I pulled them from my pockets, "what the hell tommy you need to wash that" she said. "Nah Its only blood anyway im going to bed laters" I said heading into the bathroom and running water over my hands. I wrapped them in bandages and headed to bed kicking my phone across the floor.
It lit up with ellies name, I sighed and picked it up. "Look tommy me and emanuel have been talking I think we should break up. You can still see your son when hes born but theres no more us sorry." I let out a frustrated scream as I dropped my phone to the floor, I itched my arm as I spotted my razor on the bedside table. I picked it up as the light glinted on the sharp edges, no tommy be strong you dont need to do his I said to myself.
You want to just think how it would feel to let all that pain stop my subconcious yelled back. I was arguing with myself, a battle where blades always won a battle I cant win. I pressed it against my skin, the coldness spreading over the warmth of my skin. I dragged it across my skin with shaking hands as drops of blood fell onto my jeans, I could feel all the pain just drifting away as I sunk to the floor dropping the razor next to me.
I looked down as the lines of blood streaking across my pale skin as I heard someone knock at my door, I sat up and hid the razor in my drawer as I pressed a makeup wipe on my arm. I gritted my teeth as it stung like a bitch before I pulled on my dressing gown and answered the door. Ashley was there, "here cream for you hands" she said holding it out to me as I took it and thanked her. She nodded and went to bed as I went into the bathroom and ran cold water over my arms, I quickly wrapped a bandage round it and went to bed after washing the razor and placing it back in the drawer.
