The Callous And The Conceited by ekonorra
Overal review:
A story on overcoming difficulties and past events. Whilst a Romance it is also about slef growth and developing the worth of one another. They help each other grow by going on all sorts of adventures such as clif jumping. Or this is what I belive from the description 😅so go give it a read. :)
Positives/What I enjoyed:
- I personally like the images of the cast/ characters, however I suggest still describing the characters in detail within the story. This is because 1) some people would rather read about how the characters look (after all it is a book) but 2) it is also a good idea to have descriptions of the characters otherwise the readers may forget who is who as all they have is a cast list, in which all characters are introduced at once. It's hard to remember. If you get what I mean.
- I liked the beginning of the story. I liked how you wrote it/ where it was heading. I suppose the thing I enjoyed most about it was how you made us feel sorry for the character straight away. (however I do have some tips to prolong this, so see constructive criticism.)
- You describe the characters personalities well. I feel like I really know who they are. 😊
Constructive critism:
- You state in the story her mum dies and how she has had long brutal years without her. My suggestion is to further expand on this by stating/showing how its been hard on her e.g. You could do comparisons to when she was alive and to when she wasn't e.g.
"It's been difficult without her... Any time I feel alone and hurt I can't go to her to kiss my booboos, to help me through painful times. To help me move on from feeling sad. I can no longer talk to her about boys and petty friendship arguments. I can't do anything with her anymore... And that's what hits me the most."
Then to be extra emotive you could put something like this - something no one probably has ever thought about.
"I never thought of it before, and I suppose you wouldn't but she was always there for me like any mum would be. I never thought about the fact that one day she would be gone and that she would not be here to get me through loosing her. I didn't realise I would have to face the biggest heartbreak without her. That lack of thinking hit me like a bus. I still remember the night of her funeral... I got home and I ran into her room with one thought on my mind 'I need you mum!' and I hoped I would see her there with open arms ready to stroke my head and tell me 'it would all be ok' but she wasn't and I... Have never took anything for granted since"
Etc... You can then lead it back to the story once you have dived in deeper.
- I noticed you switch between dad and daddy. I suggest not doing this, only because it not only confuses the reader but it gives of a different emotion/feeling towards the story. In some cases it even makes it feel like the POV (Point Of View) has changed when it hasn't, making the reader feel like they missed something, which is never a good thing.
- Try not to use (~~~~~~~~~~~) this so much in your story. I know your using it to say there's a change in time/place etc like a 'time jump' however you don't want to use many of these as it can make the reader feel disconnected from the story and feel like you have left parts unfinished. Instead I suggest ethier starting a new chapter if its on a completely new topic or blending it in more for example,
You talk later about her cooking dinner and referencing it back to her mum. So maybe talk bout her mum then move on something like this,
Mhm, mum she made the best bangers and mash. In fact I plan on making that tonight despite me not being the best cook (especially not compared to dad.)
Etc, see what I mean? If not don't worry to much. Just my advice is basically don't use so many time jumps.
- I also noticed someone mention in the comments to put "mmh," instead of "mmmmmh," as it looks more professional and I agree. A way you could make it look like he really enjoys the food is by describing it more etc 'Mmh, this is so yummy."and then go onto the "for a first attempt." that way you still create the "mmmmh," effect but more professionally. However it's completely up to you
Overal thoughts:
Overal, I enjoyed what I read, it was decent. I liked how you brought the characters to life as I could really understand their characters and differ them from one another. However I do think it needs quite a bit of improving but once you have done and edited it I belive it could really be great! Also please don't be disheartened by how much there is in constructive criticism! It's just because I went into lots of detail so you knew exactly what I meant and why I think it needs to change☺️. Ethier how keep writing, you will get better! 💕
Personal rate: 5.5
Was good, it just needs more emotion and a better flow.🥺
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