RUE: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. The other thing about depression is it kind of collapses time. Suddenly, you find your whole days blending together to create one endless and suffocating loop. So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy. But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy. And eventually, all you can think about is how life has always been this way. And will only continue to be this way.
I had a therapist once who said that these states will wax and wane. Which gave my mother relief, because it meant that in the bad times, there would be good times. But it also gave her anxiety because it meant that in the good times, there would be bad times. It always confused me, because I didn't really know what it meant. But it did sound a lot calmer than the way I would describe it. Granted, I didn't realize until later what waxing and waning implied. That these feelings were fixed and constant and would never end for the rest of my life.
(The script then includes the lyrics from Fiona Apple's song, Every Single Night:)
Every single night I endure the flight of little wings of white-flamed butterflies in my brain. These ideas of mine percolate the mind Trickle down my spine Swarm the belly, swelling to a blaze That's where the pain comes in Like a second skeleton Trying to fit beneath the skin I can't fit the feelings in Oh, every single night's alight With my brain What'd I say to her, why'd I say to her What does she think of me That I'm not what I ought to be That I'm what I try not to be It's got to be somebody else's fault I can't get caught If what I am is what I am 'cause I does what I does Then brother, get back 'Cause my breast's gonna bust open The rib is the shell and the heart is a yolk And I just made a meal for us both to choke on Every single night's a fight with my brain I just want to Feel everything I just want to Feel everything
By Ron Leshem
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