A Quick Fix (Oneshot Collection)

The Penis Vegetable (Which Is Technically A Fruit) (Metallica)

Notes: Finally got around to writing some James/Lars for everyone who has asked me to do so in the past as well as recently. KEA era. This is absolutely ridiculous but I enjoyed writing it very much. Also, the word dick is said way too many times but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Lars and James discuss the phallicity of produce.

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"Alright, what else do we need?" James inquires as he looks at the ripped piece of paper doused with horrendous scribbling.

Lars is practically skipping alongside him as he pushes the shopping cart whilst trying to read Kirk's list at the same time. He squints at the paper to see if they've missed anything amongst the crossed out items on their shopping list. Kirk had made a little checklist of groceries they needed, but James had forgot how horrible Kirk's penmanship is. He should've been a doctor with this kind of chicken scratch.

"Didn't Kirk say he needed that penis vegetable?" Lars offers, ever helpful.

James peers over at Lars with a dumbfounded expression as he attempts to decipher what that means exactly.

"Penis vegetable?" James reiterates, looking at his friend like he's a moron.

"You know, that one that's shaped like a dick," Lars explains, walking off ahead of James.

"Lars, that can be so many vegetables," James complains as he tries to keep up with his small friend.

"A-Ha!" Lars exclaims when he finds precisely what he's searching for. He spins around and produces (heh... produce) a dark purplish oblong. "This thing!"

"You mean an eggplant?" James asks, completely at a loss for words.

"Yeah, man, an eggplant."

"Why did you say it looks like a dick?"

"Because it does look like a dick."

"That looks nothing like a dick!" James argues.

"I'd say it's pretty accurate," Lars comments, inspecting the vegetable (which is technically a fruit) with a cursory glance.

"What kinda dicks are you looking at?" James snorts. "A cucumber or a banana are more phallic than that thing," James remarks, pointing at the eggplant in Lars' hand. "Looks like the poor guy got his junk slammed in a windowsill."

It's at this point that James realizes a few people perusing the produce section have tuned into their discussion a little, but they were polite enough to not say anything. James would be more embarrassed if he wasn't so accustomed to having these conversations with Lars on the regular whether they be in the privacy of their apartment or out in public.

"Are you telling me you've never seen a dick that looked like this?" Lars questions, shaking the eggplant like he can't fully wrap his head around the idea of James not seeing it.

"No, dude. And anyone who has a dick that looks like an eggplant should see a doctor immediately."

"Who are you to judge?"

"Why do you care what I think anyway? What, does your dick look like that?" James goes on to inquire.

"Why don't you come over here and find out, big boy," Lars taunts, holding the eggplant near his crotch in the middle of the grocery store.

"I think I'd rather eat the eggplant."

"That can definitely be arranged," Lars teases, making a lewd gesture with the eggplant.

"Quit sexually assaulting the produce and put it in the damn cart," James gripes, getting Lars to hand it over, but not without a knowing smirk.

"You're no fun!" Lars sighs heavily and sets the eggplant in the basket.

James picks up the purple oblong produce and regards it skeptically before dropping it on top of all the other items and shooting an unimpressed look over at Lars.

"Remind me to show you what a real dick looks like when we get home," James says as they head towards the checkout.

"Ooo! Is that a threat or a promise?" Lars goads, grinning from ear to ear.

"You're such a child..."