Contemplation

Fine I'll Tell You About The Impossible

Fine.
I'll tell you
The truth is I'm not ok
I've cried within this month more than I've ever cried in my entire life.

If you know me
I rarely cry
But I just can't keep the barricade up any longer
One bad thing after another has happened
I feel as though someone is playing dominos with me.
Once all the pieces have fell, they take their time to fix and put them away

I understand that life isn't easy or fair
Believe me I do

I'm tripping over my own two feet, I feel as though I've superglued a smile to my face.
I've lost quite a lot of things these past few months.

On top of that I haven't fully dealt with the idea of my father becoming ashes three years ago

I can steal hear every word spoken to me from that day.
I can picture the dull black colored body bag, to my mom as she scrubbed the blood away while trying to block me from the sight.

I am in a deep abyss right now and I can't crawl out because I have to face it ALL

I need too

How the first boy I was with gives me chills, how his body pressed into mine brought back nightmares from my past.
How unanswered calls make question whether or not the person I'm trying to reach is okay

How all at once I want to run but stay
Be brave but hide
Scream but cry
And live but die from the pain that so many types of grief have given me
How betrayal that runs so impossibly deep, carved out the trust that I once had
How "seeing the good in others" feels like a chore and so impossibly....
Impossible