Dear diary,
I can't.
I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to be forced to smile, laugh and pretend everything's alright at school, in public, or even in front of my own mom.
Because things really aren't ok.
They're anything but ok.
Everyone's slowly creeping out of my life and I hate it. I fucking hate it.
This one very important person to me, is slowly pushing me out of her life. She acts like she's here, supporting me one day but the next, she leaves me all alone and ignores me, leaving me wondering what I did wrong.
I try.
I try so damn hard and I fucking hate myself for it.
I try to be what people want me to be. I try to please them, do things they enjoy just to be with them, because If I dont, then I'm completely left all alone.
And that terrifies me. When I'm alone, everything comes rushing back to my memory. All the times I fucked up, al, the times I've upset people, all the times I annoyed them.
These voices inside my head, they sound a lot like my voice. And they're telling me that I'm a failure, loser, fatass, monster, ugly, embarrassment,.
And I believe them.
Hell, my pants didn't want to button anymore and I cried. I cried and cried and cried.
I told myself that if I want to be skinny and attractive, I need to lose weight. And the only way to do that is to starve.
But lately, I've been doing nothing but eating.
Eating 3,4 slices of pizza,
5 pieces of cake,
7 cookies,
Drinking 3 bottles of coke
2 cheeseburgers.
And today I payed the price for it.
These cuts all over my left arm, remind me that I'm weak, a failure, a burden,
I just want to be happy again
