Falling For My Mentor Jake Peralta X Reader

25. Struggling

It's been about a month since I came home. I've been having regular sessions with a doctor to try and recover my memories but so far I've made no progress. Jake seems to be getting increasingly worried and has recently been spending more and more time at work. Maybe he's avoiding me, it must be hard on him.

I look up as Jake returns from work. "Hey... You looked exhausted." I frown.
"Busy day." He replies curtly.
"Are you trying to avoid me? Because if you are, I can go and stay with my parents..."
He sighs. "It's not that I want to avoid you. I just worry about you and I guess work takes my mind off it."
I sigh and look at the floor. "Look, if I'm too much of a burden to you, I'm sure I can stay elsewhere."
"You aren't a burden."

I stay silent for a moment. "I was thinking of returning to work-"
"What? But you haven't recovered yet."
I sigh. "You aren't going to like what I'm about to say but I think it's time we face the facts." I pause for a moment. "I might never get my memories back. I still have work aspirations and the longer I just sit around doing nothing, the longer it'll take me to reach my goals."
He shakes his head. "Don't say that, you'll get your memories back. You have to..."
"You need to accept this, I've been going to see the doctor almost every day and I've not made any progress! You refuse to talk about what happened and you barely speak to me unless we're having an argument and what I can and can't do!" I sigh as tears well up in my eyes. "I don't know what else I can do."
His face falls. "I'm sorry... I didn't know you felt that way."
"Of course you didn't! You never speak to me!" I choke out.

I storm out of the apartment and wander around aimlessly until I find a park not too far away. Suddenly, it starts to rain heavily and I regret not grabbing a jacket on my way out. I cover my head with my hands, not that it does any good at keeping the rain out. My phone repeatedly pings in my pocket but I ignore it, I needed to be left alone for a while.

Eventually I take my phone out of my pocket. As I look at the screen I see my reflection, I look awful, like a drowned rat. Multiple texts from Jake, even some from my parents. I sigh as I stand up, I suppose I should make my way home. Which way did I come from though? I decide to go right. I've been walking for a while when I realise I'm walking towards the precinct. I could only remember going once but I recognised the street.

By the time I get inside, I'm thoroughly drenched and freezing, so much I'm shivering. There aren't many people around as it's getting late but I see Holt in his office. He's on the phone but he quickly puts it down when he sees me. "Y/N where have you been? You're soaked and everyone is worried about you!" He scolds as he taps away at his phone, I assume he's texting Jake.
"I want to come back to work."
Holt looks at me, astounded. "You go missing for hours, then turn up here with no explanation of where you've been and just decide you want to come back to work?"
I sigh. "Not you as well. I'm going mad sitting at home. I'll say to you what I said to Jake. I might never get my memories back but I need to get back on track with my career! Why is everyone trying to take control over my life?"
He raises his eyebrows. "Well for one, you're recovering and you need help, secondly I'm your boss."
My cheeks redden. "You're right, sorry sir."
"Let's find some dry clothes for you to change into, then talk about what happened."

Once I'm dry and in new clothes, I sit in the chair across from Holt's. He speaks first. "After your argument with Jake, where did you go? He's worried and so was I."
I sigh. "I went to the park, it wasn't raining when I set off. I was fuming, to be honest. Jake's been avoiding me and he wouldn't tell me how he felt and he won't tell me about the accident. I've been seeing a doctor almost every day and I still don't remember anything. I'm sick of having decisions made for me, I lost some of my memory, I'm not stupid." I fume.
"I think you should be discussing this with Jake, not me."
"How am I supposed to do that? He's my husband yet I barely know him, he avoids me and barely wants to speak to me. I'm sick of living like this and I just want to go back to work." Holt is staring behind me. I turn around and see Jake standing in the doorway, I hadn't heard the door in the middle of my rant.

Jake silently turns and leaves. I jump up and go after him. "Jake."
"What?" He snaps.
"I'm really sorry... I'm just struggling with everything that's going on, I know it must be hard for you too, though."
He sighs. "No, I'm sorry. I'm being selfish and and putting my needs before yours. If you want to talk about the accident then we can and if you want to come back to work, then you should."
I smile. "Alright, let's go home and we can talk."

When we get home I settle down on the sofa with Jake next to me. As Jake talks me through the day of the accident, a few pieces of my memory start to come back and suddenly I can remember the accident clearly. I grab Jake's hand in excitement. "I remember the accident."
"You do?"
I nod. "Maybe if we talk about other things that happened, or go to places where things happened, I'll remember those too!"
He nods in agreement and a huge smile forms on his face. "I have an idea, we should go out for a meal tomorrow."