Too Broken to Love

1

It's been seven years. Seven long years with my boyfriend Chris. When we first met it had been filled with excitement and happiness, but now? Now it's just filled with awkward conversations about childcare for our three kids, work schedules, bills, and the occasional birthday reminder.

At twenty five I never imagined my life would make me struggle to the point of never being home to see my children. Let alone being with a man who clearly doesn't love me anymore just for the sake of being able to pay the bills and keep the little hope of my family together.

As I walked through the front door of the house after a long 12 hour shift at the police department I could already sense the agitation in Chris's face.

He struggles being home with the children all the time and I get it, he wasn't ready to be a parent at twenty any more than I was ready to be a parent at eighteen, but it's been 7 years, he should be used to being a parent by now.

As I walked in I did my usual routine of taking off my uniform and putting on something comfortable.
"Mommy? Is that you?" My oldest child Riley called out from his room.
"Yeah I'll come say goodnight in just a second okay?". I knew that if I didn't go he would stay up until I had tucked him in. Whenever I get home from work I may as well be a single parent. Chris does good with them while I'm working, but besides that he is more invested in his friends and being anywhere but home.
Quietly I walked into the kids room and tucked him in for the night before sitting on the extra couch across the room from Chris.
"Hey, are you okay?" I asked him, knowing that it would somehow be turned on me and my schedule.

"I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this Averleigh! You're always gone, when you're home you're sleeping, and somehow I am the one that's stuck with the kids all the time". Internally I was rolling my eyes at him as the stress of the day began to bubble just below the surface.

"Can we please not fight tonight Chris! I've had a terrible day and I'm exhausted!"
"What about my day? You're always gone!"
"Come on Chris it's not like I'm out partying or hanging out with my friends, I'm literally at work every moment I'm not home!"
"Yeah well who let you get that job huh? Oh that's right I did, you wouldn't be able to keep that job you love so much if it wasn't for me being home with them!" At this point something inside me snaps and frustration spills over the surface that my job is somehow selfish.
"You realize they are your kids too Chris? I'm sorry that you have to stay home with your children when you get off work, but that's kind of what parents are supposed to do!"
"Well I can't do this much longer, I don't even know if I want them anymore"
At that comment I couldn't even stand to look at him, as he sipped on his beer.

I walked into the bedroom and laid under the blankets, pulling out my phone to play a game and text my best friend.
'Bailey, Chris is being an ass again!'
It takes a minute for bailey to reply.
'What's he saying this time?'
'He said he doesn't know if he can do this anymore and that the only reason I'm a cop is because he let me'
'You deserve so much better than that Averleigh! Honestly I think you would be better off without him'
Her words hit deep in my stomach. I knew she was right, I deserved better. The kids deserved better than the disfunctional  family we were clinging too. Plus there is also the issue of childcare outside of him.
'I know bailey, but I don't have any other options, where would I go? How would I work with three kids to take care of?'
A few moments later she responds again.
'Girl you know I have a spare room you can move into, Zac wouldn't mind, even if he did I wouldn't care! The kids could share our kids room, as far as childcare, I could help out since I stay home anyway!'
It's a few minutes later before I respond to her message.

My mind is racing with thoughts of leaving when I hear Chris yelling at one of the kids in the living room.
"Get in the bed before you feel what this belt feels like!". His voice is raised and stern as the 4 year old, Anna cries and runs back to her bed!
'I'll think about it and let you know okay? I'll call you tomorrow! Chris is yelling at Anna for getting out of bed'
'Okay, love you girl, just let me know!''
With that conversation over I laid silently on the bed, listening for any indication that Chris was still angry.

After minutes of silence I poked my head around the door and glanced at Chris. He was passed out on the couch with a half drank open beer sitting on the table beside his head.

I couldn't help the sigh that escaped my lips, as I tip toed past to check on the kids. One by one I kissed each of them on the head before heading back to the room and going to bed. I did have to work in the morning and the more sleep I got the better!

I easily drifted off into what became a restless sleep. It seemed as if every hour I was waking up, and when my alarm finally went off for work, I felt like I had already been awake for hours.

Quietly I got out of bed and got ready for work. I tiptoed out of the bedroom and past Chris into the kids room. Quietly I woke them all up and got them dressed for school and daycare. Thankfully none of them wanted to fight me this morning, and we were able to slip out of the house quietly.

The kids always did love when I took them to school and daycare. According to Riley, Jacob, and Anna, riding to school in a police car was cool, or at least their friends thought so.
We drove the short distance to the school and I dropped off Riley and Jacob before dropping Anna off at daycare, and then headed to work.

I already knew this was going to be a long day, not only did I have to get through this 12 hour shift, but afterwards I had to go home and change and head to my second job as a waitress at a small restaurant not far from the house.

As I drove to roll call I couldn't help but replay what Chris had said to me. I know he's always mean when he drinks, but getting mad at me for working too much, when I do it so that we don't have to financially struggle through life.

Thankfully my co-workers know better than to ask about my relationship with Chris. We spend so much time together during the shift that they know the drama circle of my relationship like its a movie they have seen a million times. They always just wait for me to come to them, which recently I stopped doing since their solutions were always the same. 'Your kids don't care how much money you have, they just need you to be happy, so you have to make yourself happy before you can make sure they are happy'.

Usually I would call it decent advice, except for the fact that the schedule of a cop doesn't allow for school pick up, nor does it really financially allow for single parent life of three kids. Basically I was at a crossroad and either way I was giving up some part of my happiness.

One thing that I was absolutely certain about is that I couldn't keep my career and leave Chris. If I left him I would have to give up my job, or I could keep things as they were and wait it out until the kids were older.

Unfortunately the latter seemed to be the most tolerable option of the two. I do love Chris, but after 3 kids and some fidelity issues, we had grown apart in our love for each other. Did I doubt that we had a love for each other? Not at all, I know I love him as a person and a father, but the further we seemed to be growing apart, I was coming to the realization that I was no longer in love with him. I still cared about him deeply, but I was starting to understand that I needed more than what he could offer.

I am almost certain that he feels the same way, but given the current predicament we are in, what choice did we have other than to stick it out. The reality of the situation is that while I need him to persue my career, he needs me equally as much to stay on top of the finances and scheduling. However with tensions between us rising quickly as each day passes, we are slowly sinking in an ocean of resentment to each other and I cant help but wonder when or how things will come torpedoing down until we hit the rocks at the bottom of this relationship.