Too Broken to Love

25

Averleighs POV

I have never been good at communicating, its probably one of the things I suck at the most. It has always been easier to just keep my feelings to myself, at least if I never show how I feel then it can't ever be turned back around on me. Yet right here and right now I knew I needed to explain. Bailey had been right when we talked, If I wanted this to work, he deserved to know the truth about everything.

I tried to think of the best way to begin explaining the list of feelings I had, yet nothing sounded right in my head. There was no right way to explain any of it, so when I heard him walk up behind me I said the words people in relationships dread during a phase of tension. "We need to talk."

My hands were still shaking in my lap as he sat beside me, I couldn't bring myself to look at him, but in his true supportive self, he grabbed my hands to comfort me.
"Whatever it is Averleigh you can tell me! I'll always be here!" He said as I squeezed his hand.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, allowing the calming effect to briefly pass over my body. I looked at our laced fingers and thought about Baileys words. I did want this to work, in fact I needed it to work. I love him.

"Spence I have to tell you a few things, but you can't say anything until I'm finished okay?" I finally managed to speak.
He didn't speak but instead squeezed my hand, which was all the reassurance needed to continue.

"So I guess I should start from the beginning.." I took a deep breath and willed myself to let it all go. "After the winter dance, or after you left, things kind of went down hill for me. My dad got cancer, and my parents were so focused on him that they resented me. My mother would constantly tell me that I was nothing but a burden and that I was destined to go no where in my life. I was partying really hard, drinking myself into oblivion, to drown out the pain of you being gone, to drown out the pain of their hatred, and when they told me about his sickness I was a wreck. Me and Bailey went to a party and I wanted to leave, but she was talking to Zac, she had been flirting with him for a while so I went outside and that's where I met Chris."

I stopped briefly closing my eyes to take a breath before continuing.
"We talked, and he kissed me. A few weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend, and honestly I was happy for the distraction. He was sweet at first, always doing little things to make me smile, I spent more time at his house than my own. One night my mother hit me after an argument and I went to the only place she wouldn't look. Chris's. His parents insisted I move in and take a guest room, and it worked for a little while, but he became persistent with us taking things further. He would always tell me that I needed to thank him for saving me from my mother."

He squeezed my hand again as tears began slipping down my cheeks.
"One night his parents were out of town, we had drank a little of his mothers wine and he helped me upstairs, we had kissed obviously but we never went all the way. I never really felt I was ready. That night he kissed me like he always did, but then he got pushy. I still wasn't sure about having sex but I thought I really loved him. He told me if I truly cared about him I would let him show me he loved me, so I agreed."

Spencer stiffened beside me as I continued to stare down at my hands, almost sobbing.
"It was uncomfortable and rushed and honestly nothing like I wanted. When he was done I went back to my room and cried myself to sleep. After that night I guess I just thought it was my job as his girlfriend to please him, so that's what I tried to do. When I got pregnant his parents were shocked but they supported us, I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, but at the time I wasn't ready to have kids. Things changed after Jacob, He would stay out late, we argued more, and he would throw things. I almost didn't keep Anna when I got pregnant with her."