Nothing Worth Having Ever Comes Easy

Chapter 16

{Trigger Warning~ Selfharm}

The rest of the day went by unbelievably quickly, before I knew it Kim was knocking on my door "are you ready to go out straight from here or do you need to go home first?" she asked "I don’t mind, it’s up to you" "we can go now as far as I’m concerned, Max is picking Dexter up from the child-minder on his way home. So if you do need to go home I’m free to come with you" I could really have done with going home, to get changed and let Jonah know about my plans but I couldn’t let Kim come back with me and I couldn’t leave her waiting in the car, it wouldn’t have been fair. Although going out straight from work may be the best idea as it means that we won’t be out too late and I wouldn’t get distracted by Jonah when I was trying to get ready because it was inevitable that he would try his luck and I just wouldn’t be able to resist. "Okay sounds good. I’ll have to text J in case he’s made plans" "oh, if you’re busy then we can do this another time" I laughed "don’t be silly, I don’t have anything planned it’s just sometimes he will try and surprise me, he thinks he’s the only person I speak to" I joked though I don’t think she caught on, she looked rather guilty and I could tell she felt bad "are you sure? I mean if you two are new love birds then you’ll want to spend as much time together as possible. I know exactly how it feels to be loved up and in a new relationship" I fished around in my bag attempting to find my phone and as I did so I said "I have a feeling this one will be around a while, I can spare a few hours to go for a few drinks with a friend. Just let me text him now and we’ll head off" she shook her head and began to laugh "only you would choose your friend over your new fit bloke" I had to laugh but I couldn’t help feeling a little weird, hearing Kim talk about Jonah like that, almost like she’d be cool with the fact that he was a student. Of course she wouldn’t and she only said that because she had no idea who my boyfriend actually was, if she did it would be a totally different story, I’m sure. I had just sent my text message to Jonah ‘hey handsome, forgot to tell you earlier but I’m going for a few drinks with Kim Campbell straight from work. I shouldn’t be long, I’ll see you soon. Missing you already, love C xxx’ before Lauren Andrews approached my classroom in a similar way to how she did this morning. I saw her look through the window and turn away again as soon as she noticed Kim, I knew that she needed to speak to me and it was obvious that she didn’t want anyone else to know so I made my way to the door, Kim looked slightly confused "there’s just something I’ve got to sort out, I shouldn’t be long" I said and I began speeding down the corridors in search of Lauren. I found her sat in the corner of the art room, tears pouring from her eyes.

I made my way over to her and sat down beside her "I saw you walk by my classroom Lauren, is everything okay?" I asked, I felt as though I was pressuring her but I knew that I had to get to the bottom of what was wrong, there was clearly something going on and by the way she had been acting all day made me sure that it was something incredibly serious "I know, I just wanted a chat but you were busy with Miss Campbell, it doesn’t matter, I’ll be alright" "you are far from alright Lauren, look at you. Miss Campbell and I were just talking, nothing important. I told you this morning that my door will always be open, now come on what’s the matter?" she kept fidgeting about almost as if she was trying to hide something on her left arm "I..I don’t know how to say it" "it doesn’t matter how you tell me, just tell me Lauren, I might be able to help you" "I don’t think you will Miss, I don’t think anyone will" I looked her directly in the eye and said "I can try and I promise you I will, you deserve so much more than to feel like this. It isn’t fair Lauren". She took one final deep breath before she began to pour her heart out to me, nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to hear "I…I…I cut myself Miss Montoya" as the words left her lips her tears began to fall that bit harder and faster. This poor little girl has been fighting such battles all on her own, I really wanted to tell her all about my childhood and that things do get better but I knew that would be the last thing she wanted or needed to hear. I’ve been there myself and nothing anyone ever said to me made me feel the slightest bit better. Instead I said nothing and opened my arms, signalling for her to fall in to them and she did. I wanted to squeeze her so tight that all her broken pieces fixed back together again but before I had the chance she wriggled free "don’t Miss, I don’t deserve it. What I’ve done is weak and shameful. So many more people have it worse than me" it broke my heart to hear her say those words, for her to believe that she has no right to be sad because other’s have it worse is like her not allowing herself to be happy because other people have it better. I knew that I really had to be there for her now, 100% "don’t you ever say that Lauren, you are so strong and you really do deserve to be happy. Do you want to tell me why you do it?" I didn’t want to pressure her, that would have been the worst thing for me to have done though she obviously didn’t feel pressured as she began to tell me all about what makes her feel so low and worthless "well, it’s my mum and dad. They’ve been arguing a lot, they’ve never been the quietest of couples but recently the arguments have been getting worse. At first I thought it was my fault, I thought that I was causing problems between them. I kept out of their way as much as I could in hope that the rowing would stop. I would spend the majority of my time in my bedroom and whenever I was downstairs with them I’d keep quiet but it didn’t change anything. Then I saw my dad meeting a woman; I’d never seen her before so I knew she wasn’t an aunty or a friend or anything like that. I thought that he was cheating on my mum and I spent months believing this was true, hating my own dad. But yesterday I saw them in their bedroom together, everything seemed calm and under control so I peeked my head around the door and then I saw it" she paused, I didn’t want to interrupt her so I just looked at her reassuringly and she carried on "I saw my mum hitting my dad and now I feel so terrible because I thought it was him who was in the wrong and abusing my mum but it turns out it’s the other way around and I am the worst daughter ever" she said the last few sentences so fast I could hardly comprehend what she was saying "oh Lauren, I know nothing I say to you will make you feel any better but I will tell you this, none of what is going on between your parents is your fault. You are a 15 year old girl and you deserve to be happy and in time you will be I promise. I’m going to do everything in my power to make you happier and start recovering. I know how self-harm works, I know how you become addicted and how hard it is to stop and this is why I’m going to get you better before things get any worse. I’m so glad you’ve come to me Lauren" she wiped her eyes and sniffed "I know you do Miss, I can see your stripes" she whispered as though everyone was listening, my eyes welled up, I still had faint scars from where I used to cut and she had noticed them. I should have noticed hers, I forced myself to smile, I couldn’t let her see me cry "I’m so sorry I didn’t notice Lauren, I should have done" "there was no way you was going to miss, I’ve got pretty good at hiding them" she lowered her head to her knees and as she did so Kim walked past, she locked her eyes with mine, I shook my head and mouthed the words ‘you go, I’m sorry’ she didn’t question me, she carried on walking which meant that Lauren didn’t see her "even so. Come on; let’s go back to my classroom. I think I’ve got some chocolate hidden somewhere" I stood up, hoping that she’d follow but she didn’t. She gulped "I’m going to go home Miss, I just need to be on my own. I’m really sorry" "alright, I’m not going to force you to do anything but please let me give you my number before you rush off" she took a book and a pen out of her bag and handed them to me as I wrote my number down I told her "text or ring me anytime. I’m here for you Lauren, I promise" she just about managed to muster up a smile which was obviously faked but I didn’t say anything other than "stay strong, you’ll get better" she simply nodded and turned away, that was when my tears began to fall.