Ever Since New York // H.S. - ON HOLD

CHAPTER 22 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

A/N - Sooo this is the longest chapter I've written and I'm not sure how I like it...

. . . 

I woke up this morning much earlier than I normally do. Typically I am up around 7 and Emma comes over around 7:30 to help with Ginny so I can be out the door by 8. Except today, it was 5:30 when I suddenly jolted awake, completely unable to fall back asleep. Memories of the day before lingered in my mind.

My brain rakes through every millisecond of the day before. Retracing every footstep imprinted in the ground, trying to figure out how I got to this place. So much has happened and I can't even begin to comprehend where I am at now or where to go from here. My heart feels light, but my mind is still weighing me down.

Peter. The voicemail. My panic attack. It is all so exhausting. I can't keep living like this. It has been three fucking years and the sound of his voice sends me into the abyss. If I want to move forward with Harry, I need to relinquish my history with Peter for good.

Glancing next to me, my sweet angel baby stays curled up under my comforter, knocked out cold as usual. Every once in a while I let Ginny sleep in my bed with me, and last night felt like one of those nights. I just wanted to be close to her and be reminded of what all of this is for. She is who I am protecting. Peter can manipulate me all he wants, but he will never touch a single strand of hair on my baby's head. Every change I have made, every lie I have told, since moving to LA has been to protect her. And I would do it all again if it meant she would stay safe.

But how do I move forward and still shield her for the vileness of the world? How do I stop lying to those who genuinely care about me? I have become an entirely new person since she was born. Amber Hampton is the west coast version of Evelyn Winters. She's a fierce, strong-willed, no nonsense type of woman who lets nothing stand in her way. Evelyn Winters is still the fearful, broken woman from New York. Where is the line between the two? How can I close the book of my past and allow Evelyn to step into the shoes of Amber?

As much as it kills me to think how I may have to face Peter again, it could be what releases all of my emotions from him. As much as I have accepted what he has done to me, I can't let him control me forever.

Quietly, I unravel myself from the covers and throw on a sweatshirt before prodding down the stairs to the living room where my laptop lays. Taking a deep breath, I swallow harshly, feeling the muscles in my throat tighten.

We are not crying right now. We are stronger than this.

I connect my phone to my computer and export the voicemail before deleting it from my phone all together. As it uploads to my hard drive, I draft an email to Maria.

"URGENT: You need to listen to this ASAP. What do we do now?" I hit send after attaching the voicemail. Closing my laptop, my hands clench into fists as my fingernails create many moon shaped indentations into my palms. Somehow, this is the only way I am able to regain control of myself. Slowly, I am able to take hold of the reins and put the heinous thoughts about Peter back up on their shelf where they belong.

It's the start of a new work week, and I am determined to make the most of it. Harry and I have stepped into this new territory with each other and although it is extremely foreign and completely overwhelming, he is a great human being and I don't want to screw this up.

Grabbing my phone, I slide my bare feet across the hardwood and toward the cool tile of the kitchen. Shoving a k-cup into the keurig, I eagerly await my daily dose of energy. Butterflies begin to twirl around in my stomach as my lips pull into a smile. I had the shittiest day yesterday, yet somehow Harry managed to make me forget every ounce of pain I endured. Like a movie reel, every second of my night with Harry plays behind my eyes.