A Year Of Hope

"What's your life purpose?"

This was 3 weeks after Jane's depressive episode. It was mid July, and the fall semester would've been starting in 1 month for Jane, but she decided to take a gap semester. Her and I had become practically inseparable, and we often spent our time at one another's places of work when we weren't hanging out or working at the same time. Today she was grilling me about my interests and ambitions

"Haven't thought about it," I admitted, glancing at the clock. The next manager was already five minutes late, and I was ready to get out.

"Why not?"

I sighed and stepped out from behind the counter to change the music while I waited my replacement.

"Probably because before a few months ago, I was planning on killing myself, as you pointed out."

"Cai," she warned.

She swore she didn't regret that night, but she always told me she didn't want me to bring up anything to do with it.

"Yeah, forgot, sorry."

"Well what's your reason for being alive?"

"To be honest, I have no idea Jane. I'm just alive for the sake of living." 

I didn't want to admit it was Jane. I didn't want her to know that before her life was meaningless, and I probably needed her more than she needed me.

"What was your dream job growing up."

I pondered, "I think I wanted to teach English."

"You're joking."

Jane had also come to the conclusion that she did not need to be a triple major, and that she would stick to creative writing and secondary education for the time being, and eventually become an English teacher.

"Jane, why would I make that up?"

"Well why wouldn't you tell me that before?"

"Because I dropped that when I decided to quit college."

"What made you choose English?" she asked.

"I liked to read... I perhaps am not the best writer though, but I enjoyed writing poems."

"Favorite book?"

I thought for a second, "Maybe... the Bell Jar."

"Of course," Jane laughed.

"What?"

"That's so typically you!"

"Hush."

"Why don't you go back to school?"

"Nah."

"Yes! We can go to school together! You took all your gen eds right?"

"I have like 50 credits."

"My guy we could align our classes together!"

"I'll have to wait a year before I can even attend..." I was now just making excuses. Part of me yearned to go back to college, but I was afraid of just simply dropping out.

"Nope, we have rolling admissions! You can probably get into the spring semester."

"Huh," I said, watching as the next manager came in now 10 minutes late. She mouthed the word Sorry, and I waved back as if to say, Don't even worry about it. She was almost always late. I was used to it at this point.

"So what do you say?" Jane asked.

I shrugged. "My grades were trash in community college, I doubt I'll get in."