A Year Of Hope

I knew something was wrong when the sight of the Christmas tree disgusted me.

And I recognize it as my typical Christmas Blues. Every year around during December, I became severely depressed, and if I was already depressed, which I typically was, it became worse. It typically lasted until the first week of January but it lasted as late as March.

I had been in such a good mood for so I had thought for once I would be happy during December. But here I was, disgusted at the sight of the Christmas tree.

"Cai, are you okay?" I heard someone say. "Is something wrong with the Christmas tree?"

It was Sam who had said this, staring at me from the kitchen. I had come to the realization I had been scowling at the tree and softened my expression.

"I'm fine," I finally said. "Sorry."

"Cai when's the last time you showered?" Jane asked. "No offense, but you smell like serious B.O."

I then became self conscious of the fact that they were staring at me with concerned expression. "I'll take a shower... right now." I muttered and slowly turned around. To be honest it had probably been a week.

"When do you work again?" Jane asked. I knew it wasn't either one of their faults, but I began to feel aggravated.

"In a week," I said shortly.

"They let you take more time off so close to your Houston trip?" Sam asked

I hadn't asked, I had just given my shifts to two other managers that were searching to pick up shifts for the holidays, so that I could stop using PTO. I didn't need it anyways. I paid my portion of the rent and utilities, and I hardly spent money over the years, so I accumulated enough money in savings that if I ever lost my job, I'd survive for months.

"Yeah," I said shortly and closed the bathroom door a little too harshly.

I felt lethargic that day, so I took a seat in the shower fully clothed and let the shower soak me and my clothes, and eventually I fell asleep.

I woke up being violently shaken, and feeling frigid cold and wet.

"Cai, Jesus, are you sick? You took a shower with your clothes on, fell asleep, and you've been in here for two hours! The water went cold and your lips are blue."

I didn't say anything, I just stared at her. She looked at me as if she was searching for the answer in my face.

"Let's get up man, I'll make you a hot chocolate and you can sleep," she said, and held out her arm to help me up. I took it slowly and walked with her to my bedroom.

"Put on some fresh clothes. I'll be back!" she had said. I quickly obeyed, ready to get out the sopping wet clothes. I immediately hopped into bed and wrapped myself up in my comforter but still didn't feel warm. Jane came in moments later with a hot chocolate and a space heater.

"You gotta be careful, dude. You could've died of hypothermia or something."

Ah wouldn't that have been nice,  I caught myself thinking and I quickly tried to shake the thought out of my head.

"Cai, what has gotten into you lately. You're not yourself. You're reminding me of the day I hit you with my car."

"Nothing." I grumbled and slowly took the hot chocolate and sipped it.

"You're bullshitting me and you know it."

"Then why'd you ask if you knew the answer Jane?" I sighed and placed the hot chocolate on my side table.

Jane laid down next to me, and grabbed my face in between her hands so I was staring her directly in eyes.

"Are you suicidal?" she asked.