A Year Of Hope

Author's Note

Dear readers,

I wanted to explain to anyone who read this book some of my reasoning and thought processes behind writing this story.

The characters of Jane and Cai and the premise of this story came to me back when I was a junior in high school. Since then I've gone on and off for years trying to write this until I sat down and typed out this book.

I debated writing this book for years. I was afraid of Jane coming of as a "manic pixie dream girl" type character who is wild and her only purpose is to change the life of a man. My other concern was that this book would be very 13 Reasons Why-esque. In the end this book became a bit of a catharsis for me where I could release some of the toxic emotions that I keep pent up inside of me. So that is to say, I wrote this book mostly for myself, but if other people enjoy reading this, I suppose that is fine as well.

I debated the relationship between Cai and Jane for many years, and how the ending would play out. No matter what, I knew Cai couldn't die, but at one point I had ended it with Jane dying, or their friendship ending. I also originally did not intend for Jane and Cai to date. When I came up with these characters, I was openly irritated with all the heterosexual romance in the media, and so originally Cai was going to be asexual and Jane bisexual, and they would just be best friends. As I said, I'm writing this for me, so I decided I wanted the characters of Cai and Jane to date, and by golly, this is my book and no one has to read it, so they end up dating. I also chose not to have anyone die because this book is pretty heavy as it is, and I feel it would be cruel to kill off one of the characters. Personally, I felt this was the best ending for this book.

Jane very much embodies myself. She and I both deal with Bipolar Disorder and ADHD, we both struggle with terrible self-doubt, and we both grew up with alcoholic fathers. We are also both very bubbly and outgoing people who are deeply loyal, enjoy going on mini adventures and long drives, and we are both bisexuals and biracial and want to be educators and writers. 

However, I put a lot of my emotions into Cai, particularly in his struggle with depression. Cai sort of served as a way for me to release some of my own struggles with depressive episodes, intrusive thoughts, and my own thoughts of death that I have experienced.

This is a lesser important detail, but the town I envisioned that Cai, Sam, and Jane all live in was a town I love, Spartanburg, SC (although technically I lived right outside of it, but I spent a lot of my time in Spartanburg, particularly during my time in college). I left the town nameless because I wanted people to be able to envision whatever suburban wanna-be big city they chose.

I decided after ending this story, I couldn't bear for Jane and Cai's story to end here, so I plan on writing a sequel to this story from the perspective of both Jane and Cai, which will touch some on the events in this story, and continue past the end of this book, so if you enjoyed this book, I encourage you to look out for the next one.

Anyways, to all who read this, thank you so much. And to all who found themselves relating to the characters of Cai and Jane on a very deep-rooted level, I want you to know you are not alone. The struggles of depression, mania, anxiety, a self-loathing are all things I know too well. But you can manage it, and you can live a very fulfilling life despite it. Never give up. There are so many beautiful simple life moments you haven't experienced yet, ones that make you feel alive and realize that it's worth living to see the sun rise another day.

I thank you all who chose to read this once again, and I wish you all well in life.

Sincerely,

~S~