A Year Of Hope

I think something broke in Jane that day.

She felt some level of guilt, but she never wanted to talk about it.

She resigned to my bedroom, which I didn't mind. But the thing was, as far as I could tell, she wasn't sleeping. If I woke up in the middle of the night, she was awake just staring at the wall. The only reason I knew she wasn't sleeping with her eyes open is she would blink.

Everyday she would get out of bed at 5am and take a shower for an hour, long after the water turned cold. And then she'd sit in the shower another hour with the water off until she had dried. Then she'd swish some mouthwash in her mouth, dress into fresh pajamas, and crawl right back into my bed. She wouldn't speak even when spoken to, or eat. Once she decided to call work to request another week off, but that was the only thing that differed from her new pattern of behavior. She was in this a catatonic like state.

Her birthday was coming up, so one day Sam came in and tried to lighten the mood. "Hey girl, what we doing for your birthday."

"My birthday," Jane echoes flatly, and scowled at the wall.

"Yeah, you want to do anything?" Sam asked.

"No, I just want a... release." Jane answered.

Sam and I exchanged nervous glances and she motioned me out of the room. I glanced at Jane as I closed the door behind me.

"What happened," Sam asked in a hushed tone.

"I don't know," I lied, mainly because I wasn't sure if Jane wanted the abortion to remain secret.

"Well... Jane is officially on suicide watch again, until further notice. I'll take next week off so you don't have to use all your PTO."

"That's fine," I said.

"And let's plan something small for Jane."

"Agreed, we can't just do nothing."

So Sam and I decided we would decorate the apartment, and get her favorite cake, some vodka, and weed. I had decided for my gift to her, I would make her some CDs burned with my favorite songs. Jane was always asking me what the names of songs were she heard while she was with me, so she could play them on the few instances we rode alone, so I knew she'd like it. I had also already bought her a polaroid camera, because she liked things that gave a vintage feel like that.

And so the next week I went to work. My first shift was on Jane's birthday. Sam and I had decorated the apartment with streamers and balloons the night before to surprise Jane. I didn't have any qualms working, because Jane was still low, and I had asked for all early shifts this week, and me being their best manager, they were typically pretty willing to accommodate me. Plus they struggled to find openers as it was, and since I never complained, I typically was put on the opening shift anyways.

  When I had woken up, Jane had already showered and was back in the bed. I took a shower, and luckily the water had now warmed up. Then I quickly dressed for work.

"I'll be back by 1pm," I told Jane. "But, also, Happy Birthday!"

Jane didn't respond, she simply just scowled at the wall.  I woke up Sam to let her know I was leaving so she could watch Jane and I left for work.

I had an off feeling all day, and I wasn't sure why.  Then, right as my shift was ending, I received a call from Sam.

"Jane's gone, I don't know where she went," Sam said.

I tried to stay calm, but my heart felt close to pounding out of my chest. I glanced at the other manager. She was counting the tills now, which meant in a minute she would be letting me off.