Finding Myself Again (Adopted by Markiplier)

~twenty three~

Today

"why am i here?"

I jolted awake, my breath jagged and my face felt puffy and wet. I sat up in bed and looked around, the walls were white- unlike the grey color of my room. I was in my mom's bedroom. Before Mark came over, her room was a mess, but we cleaned it. I'm not exactly sure why I'm in her bed. I wrapped my arms around my knees and hugged myself, needing comfort. I had a nightmare, of what I assume was the crash. It was terrible, screams were heard- piercing, ear-shattering screams, glass was exploding from every window. And blood. There was so much fucking blood. I choked on a sob trying not to relive the experience, and I wasn't even in the crash. I should have been, it should have been me like my mom said seven days ago. I felt an itch on my wrist, it was begging to be opened. I couldn't even if I wanted to- Mark baby-proofed the house.

I heard a small knock on my door, it was most likely Mark, he was sleeping in the guest bedroom right next to my mom's room. "Yeah?" I sniffled, I looked over at her alarm clock briefly, 2:35 in the morning. Mark slowly opened the door and I averted my eyes so I didn't have to make eye contact with him. I stared at the alarm clock, the red numbers that were blurred by my tears enticed me. "Hey," He sat down at the side of my bed and put his hand on my shoulder. "Hi," I whispered back and blinked a little so the tears weren't completely blocking my vision.

"What happened?" I sighed, not wanting to tell him the details that the nightmare contained. "Just a nightmare, I'm fine." My voice gave out at the end and I could tell he wasn't even the least bit convinced. "Do you wanna talk about it? Sometimes talking helps." I quickly shook my head, trying to choke back another sob. "C' mere," He wrapped his arms around me and held me as I sobbed.

"Mark, I don't know if I can do this, I can't see my dad go," He softly sighed as he rubbed my back gently and stroked my hair. It was a simple gesture, but it helped. "I know, but eventually it will get better," I wiped my eyes and stared at the red numbers on the alarm clock again. "Can't we just- keep him on the machines longer? There are long term care facilities that we can transfer him to." Mark shook his head in disagreement. "That would be illegal, and disobeying your father's wishes. I think that would be the last thing he wants." "I know," we sat there for a moment, trying to process.

"Will you be there while it happens? I don't want to be alone." "You won't ever be alone, I promise." I felt comforted, something I haven't felt in a long time. I felt my eyes drift off, and I fell asleep in Mark's hold. He gently laid me back down and pulled the blanket on top of me.

Several hours later, I woke up to the smell of food. I sighed as I stared up at the ceiling, not wanting to face today. Can't I just go back to sleep and pretend none of this is even happening? Tears welled up in my eyes as I forced myself out of the warm sheets that had once protected me. I entered my parent's en suite bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. What happened to me?

Weeks ago my light brown eyes radiated, the color seemed bright, especially in the sunlight. My short, black hair was full and had a shine to it. I looked happy. Now, my eyes and hair were dull. I felt dull. I showered and put on one of Luke's hoodies, black fitted leggings, and converse. If I feel like death I guess I better look the part as well.

I walked out of my mom's room and downstairs to the kitchen. Mark was standing at the stove making eggs, and a bunch of fruit, what I had for breakfast every day. He looked at me briefly, "Hey, good morning," his words were spoken gently as if he was afraid he'd trigger a beast inside of me that was a mental breakdown and a war just waiting to pop out at any time.

"Hi," I grunted and sat down at the island, laying my head down onto my arms. "I'm not hungry, I'll puke it back up." He turned the heat on the stove down slightly, and walked over to the island, pulled out the other bar stool, and sat down next to me. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "I know, that's why I waited until you got up to confirm my suspicions." His other hand revealed an iced coffee. "You should at least have this." Sighing slightly, I took the cup and drank a sip before resting it onto the counter.

"Do you wanna be in the room?" I asked, referring to ending dad's life support, watching as his life withers down the drain. He stroked my hair, "Do you want me in there?" I nodded, he was practically going to be the only sane adult that I could have a shoulder to cry on. "Yeah, you went to college with him, you guys were friends. You should be there with him, I know this is affecting you too."

"Then I'll be there for him, and you. I know your mom probably isn't going to want to say goodbye." I scoffed, deep down I knew this was true. "I don't know why she wouldn't, they were soulmates. One hundred percent perfect for each other" "Then that's probably why,"

"But does she want the last memory of him to be of the crash?" I argued."I'll talk to her," he squeezed my shoulder before he went back over to the stove to attend to his eggs. I stared at the ice in my coffee, watching it swirl as I moved my straw around. "Luke's coming home next week," I know talking about your boyfriend to one of your guardians probably isn't the most preferable subject, but I yearned for a topic change. "That'll be good for you, where did they go camping?"

"Bodega Bay, it's a little up north, like seven hours away." "It's a pretty town though, 'The Birds' was shot there," I raised my eyebrows to signal that I have no clue what he's talking about.

He opened his mouth the start explaining, but his phone interrupted our conversation by ringing. I saw it was the hospital's number appear and I immediately froze. My breath caught in my throat. Mark grabbed his phone and swiped the answer button, "Hello?" He waited for a second, "Yeah this is him," a moment passed and I couldn't read the expression on his face. "Okay," he sighed, "Thanks for letting us know, you too."

"Well?" I demanded with pleading eyes, he grabbed my hands and I knew it was bad news. "Your mom's in end-stage liver failure."