Dipshits in Space: Season 8

83: A new Gregginning

The alarms sounded throughout the militarized underground bunker. Armed men in camo gathered around the smoke-billowing coolant tubes, as a very large stone triangle began glowing and displaying symbols like a sort of countdown. A man in general stripes rushed to the line of computer consoles, as nerds typed frantic gibberish on keyboards.

"What the Sam-hill is going on. We didn't authorize a teleport."

"Sir, it just activated on it's own, no origin signature."

"That's impossible." said a grey haired man with a gun and badass sunglasses. "You can't code a wormhole teleport without an origin point. Someone is masking the starting gate, or scrambling the receiver or something."

"Activate the defense shield." the general nodded. A trio of interlocking triangles extended to the center of the red glowing ring and sheathed it. There was a metallic thud that followed moments after it locked into position.

"That gonna hold?" asked Mr. Badass sunglasses.

"That shield is half an inch of indestructible Neodymium alloy, a billion-trillionth of an inch from the wormhole. Even atoms can't form that close. Nothing can get through that." the nerd assured.

"Sir, with all due respect, you say that every week, and about 1 in every 5 things gets through it, and we have to have a firefight in the teleport room, and then the eggheads build an even tougher one. They cant all be indestructible if things keep destructing them, now can they? That's just lying." sunglasses sighed.

"Well this time it's true, my men assure me that nothing, not even light can get through that wormhole with the shields closed." the general nodded as another thud shook the armor, followed by a horrendous sound halfway between a wild animal screaming and the high pitch buzz of electricity. The indestructible shield began to glow in the center, increasing slowly to a bright yellow.

"It won't hold, just like usual." Sunglasses warned, loading his weapon and opening a window for tactical cover fire.

"Damnit, man. That alloy is impervious to heat."

"Then how did we cast the darn thing to begin with? Is it possible the scientists just fed you a line of shit to keep their jobs?" sunglasses asked. The general developed a worried look as a 2 foot chunk of the armor crumbled and fell through like a 9000 degree gram cracker crust. A glowing white object flopped out from the opening and rolled to a stop a few feet away. The object, an oversized skull and spinal column, twitched, curling slightly like a mechanical larvae of some demented transformer insect. The eyes glowed blue, flickering as it let out the horrendous scream again, sending out small blue feelers resembling lightning bolts, or energy infused plant roots.

"Hit the cryo- defenses!" the general barked. Jets of liquid nitrogen sprayed the area as the writhing mass of glowing tendrils began lifting itself upright. The electric screams faded lower in pitch and became more like a lion's roar, as the blue fog dimmed and glowed. Silence fell on the facility, broken by stomping footsteps within. A figure appeared in the fog, stepping out as a very large and very naked blue humanoid. Wiry hair sprouted from the freshly formed and still semi-transparent skin as the creature inhaled to speak.

"Fuuuuuck...it hurts so bad, every time." Greg wheezed, spitting liquid nitrogen and staggering from the wormhole as it closed behind him. "Can I get a long island iced-tea and some burgers or something? My head is just splitting right now." he said, wincing and rubbing his face. "Maybe some pants, size 54 waist." he asked.

"What is that?" asked the general.

"Another alien, another Monday." said sunglasses, stepping out and popping a grenade round in his under-rifle launcher. He strutted closer to introduce himself. "Colonel Mark Strapman of the United Wormhole Defense Division. Level 9 Federation clearance Facility, Alpha E. You just broke about 8 galactic laws and are currently real close to getting lit up like Christmas." he said as Greg adjusted his vision to the lighting.