Dipshits in Space: Season 8

87: ...drugs

Captain Lawg strolled through the empty halls of his ship, a vessel designed for a crew of several hundred, populated by about 8. He strutted with a jovial swing to his step, read to give the new and improved sonic hot-tub a try, having no idea what it actually consisted of. He rounded a corner with a spin as he alternated from whistling, humming to singing a song he most likely made up himself.

"Oooo000OOOh, the night is a-glistening, and no one else is listening. It doesn't matter of it's midnight or noon, cuz I'm goin on a shore-leave to score me some pooooHAAGH Holy sonoFABITCH CRAP!" he yelled, drawing his pistol and fumbling that very pistol, quickly rolling to retrieve it and rolling directly over it, hurting his back slightly in the process. "HOW ARE YOU, AND WHO DID YOU GET ON MY SHIP!? He squealed, fiddling the safety off as a tall, dark, figure stared him down in the halls.

"I am the ghost of the unsatisfied women of your Christmases past." said the figure with a haunting voice.

"...really?" Lawg gasped.

"No, ass-butt, it's Adrian!" smiled the unfamiliar face.

"But you're...a random black dude."

"And you didn't even think it was me for a second, did you?"

"I'm so confused." Lawg whimpered.

"New Adrian prototype with Holographic implants, I can look like basically anyone I want. Check this out. Morgan Freeman, Morgan Freeman again only green for some reason." He said with a giddy smile.

"Why is he green?"

"It's a prototype, it's not perfect software. Stop nitpicking and be impressed."

"Are you...shorter?" Lawg squinted.

"Sort of. My old body had a resting height of almost 8 foot, this one is adjustable from that maxed out, down to 6 foot 8 at the minimal setting."

"Why would you wanna be smaller?"

"How often do you hit your head on things?"

"Bout once a day." Lawg nodded.

"Okay, how often do you do that, excluding when you're a clumsy jack-off who doesn't look where you're going?"

"less often." he nodded.

"The point is, that I have options. I can blend in now if I need to."

"Izzy won't let you borrow her body, will she?"

"Unfortunately no, she say's that's the same as cheating on her husband, sharing her body with another man...except I'm also the same guy and she has 3 bodies, but I can see her point. I haven't even seen her naked since about 400 years ago when she was about 300 years older."

"Still looked good?" Lawg squinted.

"Oh yea, always good. Now the coolest part of this body...watch this." he smirked, rolling his eyes back as they turned blood red and rolled forward.

"Horrifying." Lawg nodded as Marley joined the two of them, entering the mission briefing room.

"It's an eye shield. This transparent poly-metal alloy can resist bullets, arrows, even filter out mind control effects. There is the one downside."

"Which is..." Marley asked. "Looking like the devil?"

"Cant see a damn thing through this. The tinting is way darker then I thought it would be in theory, but the alloy won't clear up. It's like wearing 6 pair of sunglasses at once, all of them red."