Dipshits in Space: Season 8

84: Bodies

"Alright, men...and Riea." Lawg said, pacing back and forth in front of the newly functioning teleporter. "You are gathered here in the hall of teleportation to embark on your final mission before being officially being registered as one of this crew. That means all 4 of you noobs will get your portrait on the dining hall painting, and a nametag that isn't made of dry-erase marker and tape. Call it a graduation if you will, and if any of you would like to get yourself killed or just leave, now is the time so we don't have to computer edit you out of the group photo and stuff. It's time consuming. Today we are embarking on this momentous mission that consists of just bringing supplies to some medieval humanoids. This cargo of medicine, fire starters, survival knives and redbull will help these primitive people that the Federation has left for dead. Without such most basicest of basics, these basic-ass people won't make it, so know you are saving lives and doing the right thing, and also technically committing a federal crime."

"Aren't we doing that every time we use the food printer that we had to Jailbreak on day 1, especially when printing bullets?" Malone asked.

"Oh yea, very illegal." Lawg nodded.

"JAIL!" cheered Menace, clapping happily.

The crew materialized dramatically in a wave of glitter and CG, Lawg, Malone, Riea and Genro, and some Asian guy. They waited for a moment on the teleportation pad as Izzy landed from above with a hefty thud.

"Oh damn that stings." she said, wobbling to her feet. "Greg was right, superhero landings are a terrible way to land."

"Why not just teleport?" asked the Asian crewman.

"Because, Crewman Walker..." Izzy wheezed. "Osirians bones can't be broken down in a teleporter. The energy required to dematerialize them would melt the ship. It's hard enough to make the organic alloy even with a full lab. That's why every time they send a Greg to this universe, it shits him out of the hole as a robot spinal column with a skull."

"Why isn't Greg on this mission?" Walker asked.

"Because he thinks it's boring and he's catching up on 6 seasons of crew mission logs to get halfway updated to where we are. He's binge reading. I keep telling him to upgrade to my download hubs so he can instantly just drop and drag the files but he prefers manual. You can't convince any Greg to do anything once he's settled in his own ways. Plus it's a cargo mission, I'm only here in case of a need to lift something." she yawned.

"Very simple mission, Crewman Walker," Lawg patted, smiling casually. "Just a textbook dropoff, shake a few hands and pose for a selfie, maybe a simple thank-you meal if the locals have that custom. You have to follow local customs when you are visiting a planet the federation has black-listed, or they can just nark on you and get you in trouble."

"So about that, Cap." said Malone. "Why is this place blacklisted? The land is clean and fertile, it's got a humanoid population, no airborne pathogens, no radiation, federally acceptable amounts of asbestos and urine in the water, and from what I read, humanoid life with the equivalent of a 15th century medieval Earth technology and lifestyle. Seems like a perfect place for the government to be snooping around and probably strip mining at some point. I'm amazed they haven't relocated the locals and began blasting for training centers and oil refineries." Malone asked.

"Well it's complicated, my young Padme," Lawg circled. "When you get to the age I am, you learn things about the government."

"You're like 4 years older than me and I scored higher in academy." muttered Malone.