Dipshits in Space: Season 8

90: Trial by Friar

The Groove Wagon puttered along, smoothly and sleek, like a falcon of destiny through the airless space of space. A green tint illuminated the starboard side, ironically lit by the star that also made starboard starward. Lawg strutted proudly, staring into the sunlight as the computer automatically tinted and filtered the windows to prevent him from going blind. He gazed down at the lush planet below, green with either rich vegetation or the green sunlight, making it also possible to just be a white planet.

"Commander Marley...status."

"Habitable, lots of oxygen, mostly Earthlike in every way necessary to do a mission. Seems to be a very primitive type of humanoid living there, but no large structures." said Marley. "Probably dark-ages level technology. Plows and barbed wire fences, so Earthlike you could be filming in Iowa."
"Gross...Iowa. Is there any intelligence?" asked Lawg.

"Dude, I mean, define intelligence. Marley shrugged.

"General smarticity or inteligenceness." Lawg squinted.

"Not a lot of inteligenceness up here by that statement." Riea muttered, flicking Lawg in the head as she passed to sit down. Marley elaborated.

"Regarding alien species, intelligence could mean anything. Technological, academic, overall diversity of skills, or pure contemplation power. As far as processing power, most computers are more intelligent than we are, but they lack consciousness in most cases. Hell even plants are alive and functional via a series of super complex cell division and photosynthesis, but they don't have a consciousness either." Marley yawned. "What about dogs? They have a conscious mind, they feel pain and recognize others, form micro-societies and even some understand the basic functions of simple tools like using a stick to dig or as a lever, but they don't have technology or even a functional language. All they got is just emotional signals. Intelligence is hard to even define with reasonable margin of error, even among the humans that invented the tests. The fact that most of us can read and write and operate a ship is frankly miraculous. It's also a massive testament to the educational system established universe wide, and we went to schools considered kinda shitty." Mar finished.

Lawg blinked slowly.

"I was...kinda hoping for more of a yes or no thing. Did you get a hold of some really good weed or something?"

"Oh yea, dude. New ship's hydroponics lab is the shiznit." Marley smiled. "Anyway, the sensors are picking up unusual star readings. It's definitely a green supergiant." he nodded.

"Is it super-jolly, or just as jolly as a regular green giant?" asked Lawg.

"It's a star, I tend to view them as sorta angry given the nuclear violence, this ones is green with gamma rays so I'm guessing it's super angry."

"Damn. We never get a break." Lawg sighed.

"Anyway it's going to go supernova in about a year and wipe out the planet, so we kinda have a moral responsibility to warn the people and at least offer them some ideas. Far too many to evacuate on this ship, so I suggest we warn them, let the feds know of the situation and make sure they get help."

"I can provide sunblock?" shrugged Riea as Lawg squinted dimly.

"Wow, you are stupid-cute. Both stupid and cute, yet despite being stupid, you're so cute that it's stupid. We would make a fine pair. Anyway, yes. Good thinking Mar. Maybe some of the resident women will want to join a badass advanced space crew...advanced to them anyway. They won't know we're like 20 years behind the times everywhere else in the Federation." Lawg nodded confidently.