Untangling a Memory

No Bucky

Natasha woke up, still feeling emotionally drained. She stayed in bed for a while, not having the strength to get up and face the world. So, she just laid there on her stomach, looking out the open window, beautiful sunny day, thin cotton curtains blowing in the light breeze.

She hurt him. She kept repeating the words over and over again in her mind. She hurt him. She wasn't exactly sure what she could have done differently after what he had asked. Maybe delayed telling him till after they had developed more trust. Maybe she could have told him in smaller bites. Maybe not even told him all of it. She wasn't sure he even needed to know and feel the injuries he had inflicted on her. A little voice in her was saying it wasn't her fault, but she wouldn't hear it. She hurt him.

After laying there for long time, just looking out the window, Natasha finally roused herself and climbed out of bed. She wrapped herself in a long, white cotton robe and went to the bathroom to wash her face. She looked in the mirror- her eyes looked hollow, dark circles underneath from not sleeping, lips chapped and cracking from having bitten them all night as a habit to deal with her anxiety. She splashed some water on her face, realizing she couldn't really fix these problems. Just better to get going and hope things got better over the course of the day. Natasha put on some gym clothes and left her room.

She walked through the kitchen and living room. No Bucky. She walked past the gym where Steve and Sam were working out. No Bucky. She left the palace out by the stairs that he sometimes ran. No Bucky anywhere.

So, Natasha just started running. She ran down the stairs. She ran across the courtyard. She ran down the walkways until she found the fields and kept going. And kept going. And kept going. Natasha only turned back when she realized she had been out for over two hours and didn't want any of the boys to start worrying.

When she ran back, Natasha stopped in the garden, finding a bench to sit on. She was covered in sweat and out of breath. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on the smell of the flowers in the garden as Bucky had the night before. She had been running to clear her mind, but she still hadn't been successful. She hung her head, hands on her knees as she sat on the bench.

Natasha pictured Bucky sitting next to her, hands in his lap looking comfortable, taking it all in. Keeping his eyes closed as he focused on the beautiful scents of the garden the sound of the wind through the leaves. Completely relaxed and at peace with himself. Natasha opened her eyes, but no Bucky. She took a deep breath and headed inside.

"Nat, have you seen Buck today?" Steve was sitting at the kitchen counter sketching on his pad. He looked up to see her when she entered the common area.

Natasha with a blank look on her face, shook her head. "No, I've been out for a run since I got up. Haven't seen him."

"Ok, if you see him, tell him I was looking for him." Steve smiled as she climbed the stairs towards the hall with her room. "I hope you had a nice run!"

Natasha had a long shower and put on lounge clothes before heading back to the common area. Still no Bucky. She put on 'Gilligan's Island' hoping he might come out and want to watch with her. No Bucky. Steve, Sam, and Natasha made and ate dinner together. No Bucky.

"Steve, I'm sure it was just a bad day for him. That's bound to happen. Maybe just stop by his room and let him know you're around for him." Natasha offered to Steve, knowing he was getting worried now. He nodded and Natasha gave him a hug before heading back up to her room. Now, by hurting Bucky, she had hurt Steve too. She tried to push the thought aside.

Natasha spent the night in bed, unable to sleep. She tried writing in her notebook, but every thought she came up with was another thought she'd rather avoid all together. She tossed and turned, staring up at her ceiling. She looked at the wall above her head, its slight shimmer from the vibranium woven into the sandy material it was made from. Natasha finally pulled out her copy of Pride and Prejudice and started again from the beginning. The cover was thoroughly worn, pages ragged around the edges, and significant creasing in the binding. But it held together, just as she was trying to.

Over the next couple of days, there were still no signs of Bucky. Steve had gone by his room and Bucky had only acknowledged that he was still there by eating some of the food Steve left for him. By the bags under his eyes, Steve clearly hadn't been sleeping well either, worried about the condition of his friend and unsure how to help him. He had no idea what had changed to cause such a 180, but it was terribly disconcerting for Steve. He'd tried talking to Bucky through the door, but Sam had walked him away and told him to give Bucky some time.

Natasha did everything she could to distract herself. She went for longer and longer runs each day, sometimes stopping in the field for a break or even bringing a snack with her to have under a tree. Creating distance from the palace, and therefore from Bucky, helped to somehow soothe some of the pain, even temporarily. The rest of her day, she spent reading and rereading Pride and Prejudice. Sam made a joke at one point that she must have been reading incredibly slow to be still reading it after 5 days, but she just ignored him.

Each night, Steve cooked dinner for them and they ate it on the terrace outside the common room. It was within sight of Bucky's room and Steve had hoped Bucky might see and want to join them, though he never actually said that was his intent. When Bucky didn't show up, Steve would bring a serving of dinner on a plate for him and leave it outside his room, usually with a note that said that Steve was still there for him. Bucky took the food, only sometimes the note.

Listen to: "Calm" - Jill Cohn